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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 12:56

The punishment makes no sense. It's not related and the duration is unreasonable. How old is he?
I would give it back. How old is he?

Mabelface · 19/02/2022 12:57

Give it back. He won't understand why he can't have his favourite toy. Way too long and harsh for a little one.

Soubriquet · 19/02/2022 12:58

Give it back but be prepared to deal with the fall out from dh

He had no right to punish him that way, especially when he isn’t the one dealing with it

BigPurpleEgg · 19/02/2022 12:58

Personally I think taking toys away is a shitty thing to do and doesnt work at all. 3 year olds aren't naughty they just have big feelings. I would give him it back and discuss better strategies with your husband, but I do think he's likely to feel completely undermined if you do. I still would

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2022 12:58

I would distract him while following through the punishment but also talk to your dh about considering that in future. It is also a good idea to get him engaged in some other toys to expand interests.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 19/02/2022 12:59

How old is he? I'm assuming 3/4 given the choice or toy?

Punishing him for 3 days is excessive. At that age, afternoon is more than enough.

BUT your DH has said it now so if you give it back you'll be undermining him (if your child knows it's Saturday? My preschoolers wouldn't know).

Anyway, this is a conversation you need to have with your DH. You need to talk about appropriate discipline.

For now, go for a walk or play with play dough, drawing, film... Then I'd give it back tonight, explaining that he'll lose it again if he bites again.

Chri5stopher · 19/02/2022 13:00

Off his head I say, your husband’s.

Pennox · 19/02/2022 13:02

He’s way too young for that kind of punishment surely

Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 13:02

Yes YABU, the two of you need to work as a team. If you dont want this type of punishment for your ds then agree that separately with his dad (or at least warn him that you wont be enforcing it in future) dont just undermine him now because it is easier for you. At least that's my advice if he's 3 or above.Younger than that then it's an inappropriate punishment for his age and I would give it back.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/02/2022 13:03

How old is your ds? That sounds like an extreme and cruel punishment for what I presume is a child under 3.
I'd give it him back personally. My youngest is 3 and I can't imagine removing her favourite toys because she had a tantrum especially for that length of time.

Momicrone · 19/02/2022 13:03

Oh god yes, your dh is way out of line, do it your way

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 13:04

Yes, give it back, obviously.

However it sounds like you do need to come up with an appropriate discipline plan for your toddler - biting and tantrums that go on for ever aren’t good.

Momicrone · 19/02/2022 13:04

You can't work as a team if daddy's away on a jolly

tillytoodles1 · 19/02/2022 13:05

My husband told our son he couldn't play outside after being cheeky to him. He was 10 at the time, so he understood, but I was the one who was with him after school while he was at work and he drove me mad, bouncing his football around in his bedroom. In the end I practically threw him out of the door to go and play. Tell you husband that if he wants to take something away from your son, he should be there, not leave it to you to suffer.

DropYourSword · 19/02/2022 13:05

It sounds like he's too little for that punishment. I'd be giving it back to him.

Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 13:06

Punishment (or consequences rather) for kids should be immediate, not go on for days. Small kids don’t have a concept of being punished today for something they’ve done days before. It’s really not fair.

Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 13:06

He's nearly 3 so he's too young to even understand a punishment like this in my opinion, to be honest I think he's too young for any sort of punishment he should be redirected and firmly told not to bite which is how I deal with it but DH said he's done this as my way isn't working

It's still a pretty new toy so he's obsessed with it and nothing else is good enough I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually but he's breaking his heart for it and I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and being so wound up by the relentless whining. I can feel myself getting irritated and snappy with him and I don't want the whole weekend to be unpleasant and stressy

OP posts:
FlossMoss · 19/02/2022 13:06

That's no way to deal with tantrums. You both need to have a talk about how you are going to manage different scenarios so you are more aligned with your parenting.

Children have tantrums because they feel like they don't have any control or power. Taking their favourite things away from them is just going to reiterate this.

Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 13:08

Just explain to him not to bite again and when he’s calm just give him the toy back.

DickMabutt73962 · 19/02/2022 13:08

As everyone else has said, that 'punishment' will mean nothing to him, he won't make the connection. A 2 minute time out for biting would have done the trick much better.

JustWonderingIfYou · 19/02/2022 13:09

How old he? Sounds far too young for that type of punishment.

Tantrums are pretty natural for toddlers- i don't think its fair to punish tantrums- they are learning how to control and react to emotions. They always seem to end much quicker if you just ignore. Obviously he needs telling that biting isn't acceptable, thats different.

Blueeilidh · 19/02/2022 13:09

Little kids don't understand this being taken away for an extended period of time. It might have been reasonable to take it away for the rest of the day but not all weekend. I'd set a manageable goal for him to earn it back today.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 13:09

He's 2?! What a dick move on his part. He won't even associate his loss with that bite. Give it back and tell your DH not to be so ridiculous

YNK · 19/02/2022 13:09

What a nobheid of a DH.

You two seriously need time out to discuss parenting strategies that work for your child to protect them and teach them how to express strong emotions safely - clearly this is something your DH in particular needs to reflect upon.

Give the poor lad his toy back and do not undermine each other this way again!

Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 13:09

Sorry to double post but you need to remember that the toy for him is the equivalent of, let’s say, your phone for you. Would you whine if someone took it away for the weekend? I would!