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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 19/02/2022 14:28

@Cateria

Oh, they absolutely would be different. She wouldn't be called an arsehole,, a dick, accused of having anger issues. She would gently have been told it's OK to change your mind about a punishment and we all make mistakes in the heat of the moment Well if the op's dh is posting on a dad's forum wondering if he's done the right thing lets hope he's getting similar sympathy then.

Missing the point there. Unsurprisingly.

StaplesCorner · 19/02/2022 14:31

It always intrigues me how keen some posters are on punishments. For 2 year olds. Well, any child in fact. Nice bit of punishment. Still, it’s not as though we have guillotines to knit round now is it …

Glad you’ve sorted it out OP.

Maryzx · 19/02/2022 14:33

This is awful to read, as my XH did this kind of thing.

There has to be an immediate link between misdemeanour and consequence (ideally, removal from fun activity for five minutes). Then it's over and done with, and everyone moves on.

Apparently endless punishments just make children feel angry and upset, and teach them nothing at all other than that some adults are completely random and unpredictable. This is a very distressing thing for a small child.

In the end, I just used to undermine XH because his "punishments" were cruel and stupid and made matters worse. He used to rant at me for undermining him, so I would tell him that this was because he was so unreasonable that there was no choice.

That's a bad strategy, though. In your case, I'd probably go for a 'halfway house' - tell your son you have discussed it with Daddy (even though you haven't), and Daddy says that if he talks in a proper voice/sits quietly to listen to a story for five minutes/whatever, he can have the toy back. It's a shit solution, but far less shit than your husband's solution. I would would like to agree that if he wants to come up with these stupid punishments, he can carry them out on his watch, but I can't say this as it's so bad for the child.

Then discuss how to deal with future misdemeanours so that you don't find yourselves in this position again. My XH used to forget we had ever talked about it, though, so that was fuck all use to me!

Please don't be cross with your son for being unhappy and confused.

Maryzx · 19/02/2022 14:35

Sorry @toddlertantrumishell I had written my post then my DD rang me before I pressed 'post', so it was out of date by the time I did. Glad you have sorted it out.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:35

@StaplesCorner

Glad you’ve sorted it out OP.

Whats wrong with punishment for 2 year olds or any child? How do you expect to deal with things when they hit teen stage? You obviously arent there yet!

Cateria · 19/02/2022 14:37

Glad things are improving now op. Best to ignore the goady "What about the menz?" poster.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 14:40

@StaplesCorner

Glad you’ve sorted it out OP.

Me too, and that absolute need for control some posters have. It’s a really dark side of mumsnet, some people absolutely love a punishment and the harsher the better. And ‘backing down’ is seen as a sign of weakness, it’s bizarre.

And punishments don’t work anyway. They just build resentment.

Finallylostit · 19/02/2022 14:42

Sorry he bit his father and his father punished him

You are now undermining your DH and your DS will learn - whine enough Mummy will reverse it. I agre the length of time is too long but Dad needs to end the punishment not you

RachelGreeneGreep · 19/02/2022 14:42

@toddlertantrumishell

Advice already heeded and tower given back. It's not a leave the bastard job he is generally a good parent and DS is going through a particularly wearing phase of biting and shouting, he wound me up this morning with it so I can understand why DH might of thought he will try something else to deal with it. His way was wrong which I knew and I should of gone with my gut on that straight away and will explain it to him. Neither of us have any experience with kids prior to DS and are both trying our best just like every other parent out there. It was a misstep and yes I think he needs to read up on age appropriate consequences and will suggest that to him.

Anyway, toy is returned and DS is happy so all is well. Thanks for advice.

I hope that you can get a bit of well deserved relaxation now that the little fellow is happy again.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:42

So what is your solution then if no punishments?

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 14:42

@velvet24

So what is your solution then if no punishments?

Solution to what?

SunshineCake1 · 19/02/2022 14:43

@toddlertantrumishell

He's got it back. He cried and said bin lorry no take it away at first and I'm hoping that's from his own head and not DHs words. I asked him if he knows why it was taken away and he said it was because he was sad and because he cried. I've told him you will never be in trouble for crying and that being upset or angry is ok, but we can't hurt people. I really bloody hope DH made it very clear it was for biting and not for crying. I make a point of encouraging DS to be able to say when he's happy, or sad, or angry so that we can talk things through and not tantrums so when he gets upset he knows that's being sad and he communicates that so if he's suddenly connecting that with punishment that's really awful. One incident wouldn't be enough to do that I hope? He tells me all the time that he's happy but is also honest and can acknowledge and name when he isn't and I'll be so sad if he thinks he can't be.

This hit home with me.

When I was two my mother hit me because I was crying. I did not live with her at the time and never did before 18 months. I am now 50 and still can't cry about stuff I need too. All because of a shit parent who doesn't understand tiny children and the effects of their words.

Notanotherwindow · 19/02/2022 14:45

He is too young to be punished like that, they don't get it, they can't connect the dots.

Punishments need to be immediate and related to the crime. Like no we can't go to the park now, mummy has a sore hand from being bitten so we're going straight home.

No, you can't have that toy back because you threw it.

No, you're going to bed early if you're going to tantrum, you must be tired.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:47

Solution to bad behaviour, surely there must be a consequence, there should be a punishment but age appropriate at dealt at the time.

Lwren · 19/02/2022 14:48

Solution to punishments = natural consequences or time in/out.
Discuss with child in an appropriate way what they've done and how even we've big feelings, (such as anger), they can't hurt mummy/daddy/sibling because it makes them sad.
Punishments don't work.
You can be firm, nobody says that you can't, you can and absolutely should have boundaries. You can't punish a 2 year old, you're distressing him for something he'll not remember. Tell DH to fuck off from me.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:49

Time out is a punishment though?

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 14:50

@velvet24

Solution to bad behaviour, surely there must be a consequence, there should be a punishment but age appropriate at dealt at the time.

What bad behaviour?

Punishments don’t work because they happen after the incident has already taken place. They can’t go back and fix it, so a punishment only exists to make their life shit for a little while.

And he’s too little to make that connection. So he won’t remember ‘I bit my mum on the hand a week ago and we didn’t go to the park, better not do that again!’

Behaviour is always communication - I know that makes people roll their eyes but it’s true. So it’s up to his parents to recognise why he bites - is he tired? Over stimulated? Hungry? - and respond accordingly. Step in and change the situation before he lashes out.

I’m not saying that’s easy, by the way. It’s shit and boring and time consuming, but it’s responding to your kids needs and not your own.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 14:51

@Lwren

Solution to punishments = natural consequences or time in/out. Discuss with child in an appropriate way what they've done and how even we've big feelings, (such as anger), they can't hurt mummy/daddy/sibling because it makes them sad. Punishments don't work. You can be firm, nobody says that you can't, you can and absolutely should have boundaries. You can't punish a 2 year old, you're distressing him for something he'll not remember. Tell DH to fuck off from me.

And me. Take his phone off him for doing it, and tell him he can have it back if he behaves all weekend.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/02/2022 14:53

Help DS do something positive, like help Mummy tidy up for 5 mins, and then tell him he's been so good he can have his tower back.
But if you give it back while he's whining, it sends the wrong message.
And since you are asking, DH is being unreasonable, a) in making you carry his punishment when he is away and b) giving such an unreasonable punishment ( too long and unrelated) in the first place.
Little children don't know when it's Sunday. 3 minutes in time out, however you do that, is more appropriate, if you really must punish a toddler who is not yet in control of his emotions.
Better still would be time spent helping DS recognise his feelings and thinking of other ways to express them. He's too young to even verbalise what he's feeling, yet.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 14:53

@Finallylostit

Sorry he bit his father and his father punished him

You are now undermining your DH and your DS will learn - whine enough Mummy will reverse it. I agre the length of time is too long but Dad needs to end the punishment not you

He's two. He doesn't even know why it was taken so your argument is pointless.

gingerhills · 19/02/2022 14:55

Give him the paw patrol tower. No way can a parent decide on a punishment that the other one has to dish out.
he didn;t check with youy first. You would have said it was excessive. You don;t have to bow down to his unreasonable decrees. You are in charge in his absence. You decide.

babyjellyfish · 19/02/2022 14:56

Where is your DH this weekend and why isn't he helping to look after your DS?

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 15:04

@babyjellyfish

Where is your DH this weekend and why isn't he helping to look after your DS?

Wtf! Maybe he's working, maybe he's doing a weekend full of his hobby, maybe he's on a stay do, maybe he's visiting his sick mother.

What the hell has it hit to do with anything?

He's made a poor decision, so now let's give the man grief for everything and decide he's a total bastard.

Some women just don't like men do they.

Good decision OP, I'm sure once you've had a chat with your DH he'll think more rationally. If he's been home he would've realised it was disproportionate, but as he's away he's not witnessing the fall out.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/02/2022 15:07

@IForgiveYouPaula

his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages

I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself

😳

Yea I think you and DH could really benefit from some parent courses and anger management, for you both tbh.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 15:08

WtF toddlers are annoying life drainers sometimes.

That doesn't require anger management.

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