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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
ButtercupOfFlorin · 19/02/2022 13:40

YANBU, ridiculous and selfish of him to take away a punishment knowing he won’t be the one dealing with the tantrum.

But in this occasion I think you need to follow through

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2022 13:41

As an aside, my Ds is nearly 8 and still likes his paw patrol toys - as does his best friend so it can’t be that weird

DrSbaitso · 19/02/2022 13:42

He's too young for this punishment to work even theoretically and it's too severe anyway. Give it back and discuss it with your husband on his return. It's not undermining him when it's a silly punishment and the child doesn't understand it.

Hollywolly1 · 19/02/2022 13:44

Unbelievable stuff to read here,he's not even 3 yrs old just give him back the toy and find a calmer way to help him understand things.All you guys are doing is giving him more tantrums and its extremely unfair

LolaLuffnagal · 19/02/2022 13:45

Op I work with 2-3 year olds. At that age the punishment needs to be doled out there and then, and then you all move on with the day. He's far too young to understand that he has to be "good" all weekend to get his toy back. I actually think it's a horrible punishment for any age.

Ohfgsnotagain · 19/02/2022 13:48

Give him back the toy. The punishment is too long for a toddler. The punishment should be immediate for a toddler. I would’ve told him immediately that it is wrong to bite, we don’t bite, that hurt daddy. I then would’ve led him calm down and told him again that we don’t bite, it hurts.

Greydogs123 · 19/02/2022 13:50

All behaviour is communication. Your 2 year old has not developed a way to communicate frustration or any other emotion yet therefore he bites because it expresses what he is feeling. Punishment at that age is completely pointless - there is no understanding whatsoever at what your Dh has done. All he knows is that daddy took away his favourite toy and mummy won’t give him his favourite toy.
I don’t think you can undermine your Dh now it’s done, but you and Dh need to have a big talk about how to deal with the biting (I recommend “Aha parenting” website) and be in the same page.

RoseGoldEagle · 19/02/2022 13:50

He cried and said bin lorry no take it away

Aww OP your poor little boy, it’s horrible thinking of your DH saying the bin lorry would take it away and how upset that would have made him. My DS is almost 3 too and I can’t imagine him coming up with that himself. Am so glad you gave it back to him. Your DH definitely needs to read up on appropriately dealing with tantrums, it sounds like your DH has a bit of a tantrum of his own with that response. Does he really think his little boy will be thinking ‘ah of course, I shouldn’t have bitten, I won’t ever do that again and that way I can get my toy back!’ Their brains are nowhere near developed enough for that kind of thinking!

esloquehay · 19/02/2022 13:51

You don't 'punish' a toddler. It's cruel.
Your DH is a dick.

BadgerStripes · 19/02/2022 13:52

@Soubriquet

Give it back but be prepared to deal with the fall out from dh

He had no right to punish him that way, especially when he isn’t the one dealing with it

Absolutely give it back...crap parenting from your H.
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2022 13:57

Biting is done through frustration. Your ds is more not less likely to bite out of frustration with this type of age inappropriate punishment. A child needs to be about 6 to associate their favourite thing is being taken away as a consequence of poor behaviour. Even then I wouldn’t take it for such a long period as a first offence.

TabithaTittlemouse · 19/02/2022 13:58

Your Dh is an absolute arsehole. Your son is 2!

Question887 · 19/02/2022 13:59

My son is nearly 3 and there is no way we would punish him like this, he just wouldn't understand. A 2/3 day punishment is extreme and pointless, I know that my son wouldn't be able to link his bad behaviour with the toy ban. At this age they are testing and pushing boundaries. My DS can be hard work but it's his age and part of learning acceptable behaviour.

Sparkletastic · 19/02/2022 14:00

Your husband needs to read Philippa Perry's book.

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2022 14:01

You need to talk to your DH - first how did it occur - a biting incident like that doesn’t just happen I suspect there were things that led to it (hunger/tiredness) or again some unrealistic expectations on behalf of your husband
Then about appropriate responses to these things and how normal and common such behaviour is and how to deal with it

Because a 48 hr loss of a toy clearly hasn’t gone in and is massively inappropriate

Then that he expected you to do it not him

FusionChefGeoff · 19/02/2022 14:01

It's a bit late now but can you contact DH at least and tell him / discuss ways to give it back so he doesn't feel completely undermined?

I disagree with the punishment but you won't help your cause by ignoring the sanction altogether without even talking to DH about it.

This will make a grown up conversation about next time very difficult as you've set it up that he is wrong and you are right rather than both of you discussing and agreeing behaviour management tactics. Judging by the sounds of him, he will take this very badly and go on the attack / defensive rather than coming to the table with a view to finding middle ground.

Cateria · 19/02/2022 14:01

You've done the right thing. I'd also let him have a bit of TV as well if it would give you a break. Under the age of 3 I don't think they have much control over their actions. Obviously you still stop anti social behaviour. There was probably a reason he was tantruming such as tiredness. It's telling that he didn't really understand why he was being punished. Your dh probably did say about the bin lorry to be honest.

IForgiveYouPaula · 19/02/2022 14:02

his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages

I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself

😳

SoupDragon · 19/02/2022 14:02

@Momicrone

You can't work as a team if daddy's away on a jolly
Or whilst Mummy is out for the day 🙄

OP you were not unreasonable to give it back - he's already had time without it and you've explained why it was taken away. You need to work out strategies with your DH about how to handle these things in future and what an appropriate punishment /length of punishment is.

AngelinaFibres · 19/02/2022 14:03

He is too young for such a sustained period of punishment. Two minutes out of the room to think about what he had done, and saying sorry to daddy would have been far better. However if you want you husband to be a fully involved parent then undermining him is not clever either. The punishment needs to stand because he set it and only he should be able to say that it is over early. Your son needs to learn not to bite and he also needs to learn that mummy and daddy are equals in his parenting. If a woman had set a punishment and her husband had undermined her the responses here would be completely different. You need to sit down after this weekend and work out appropriate measures that you are both happy with and are age appropriate.

OneTiredMam · 19/02/2022 14:03

Yanbu I'd give it back.

It makes no sense to punish him for a whole weekend he's not old enough to understand.

2DogsOnMySofa · 19/02/2022 14:05

So as your 3yr old hasn't behaved all weekend I'm presuming your dh won't give him the toy back. It's an utterly ridiculous consequence. 3yr olds have tantrums, consequences be short and sweet with realistic expectations. Telling a 3 yr old that he's only getting his fav toy back if he can behave for a whole weekend is unrealistic. He won't understand what is going on and why he can't play with his toy.

OneTiredMam · 19/02/2022 14:05

That said the hissy fits talk to your health visitor about it or your GP if your both really struggling. You both might benefit from parenting classes (don't mean that badly but they do help.)

Cateria · 19/02/2022 14:05

If a woman had set a punishment and her husband had undermined her the responses here would be completely different
No they wouldn't as the punishment is inappropriate for an under 3

SoupDragon · 19/02/2022 14:07

@Cateria

If a woman had set a punishment and her husband had undermined her the responses here would be completely different No they wouldn't as the punishment is inappropriate for an under 3
Oh, they absolutely would be different. She wouldn't be called an arsehole,, a dick, accused of having anger issues. She would gently have been told it's OK to change your mind about a punishment and we all make mistakes in the heat of the moment.