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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 19/02/2022 14:07

Get him outside. He’s was home all day and tantrumming with his dad. Don’t let this be another day of climbing the walls and raging in the house.

Bullandbush · 19/02/2022 14:07

@FusionChefGeoff

It's a bit late now but can you contact DH at least and tell him / discuss ways to give it back so he doesn't feel completely undermined?

I disagree with the punishment but you won't help your cause by ignoring the sanction altogether without even talking to DH about it.

This will make a grown up conversation about next time very difficult as you've set it up that he is wrong and you are right rather than both of you discussing and agreeing behaviour management tactics. Judging by the sounds of him, he will take this very badly and go on the attack / defensive rather than coming to the table with a view to finding middle ground.

I don’t agree. The dh has no right at all to give a punishment to a small dc if he’s not there to enforce it.

That’s the conversation that can be had.

IForgiveYouPaula · 19/02/2022 14:09

@esloquehay

You don't 'punish' a toddler. It's cruel. Your DH is a dick.
Of course you can punish a toddler. What do you suggest? Let them do whatever they want without any consequences. Utterly ridiculous.
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 19/02/2022 14:09

I would say if he’s perfectly behaved for 30 min he can have it back….

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 19/02/2022 14:10

@HelloDulling

Well yesterday was a major storm and today isn’t much better!

Zilla1 · 19/02/2022 14:11

@Cateria agreed. No more appropriate than expecting one DP to follow through on another DP's 3 day punishment of a cat. Age or species doesn't make an inappropriate punishment appropriate just so it doesn't undermine the other DP.

Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 14:11

@HelloDulling

Get him outside. He’s was home all day and tantrumming with his dad. Don’t let this be another day of climbing the walls and raging in the house.
I would love to but it's pouring rain and there's still an amber warning for wind and it's blowing a gale. Definitely not staying in by choice!
OP posts:
ancientgran · 19/02/2022 14:12

@FusionChefGeoff

It's a bit late now but can you contact DH at least and tell him / discuss ways to give it back so he doesn't feel completely undermined?

I disagree with the punishment but you won't help your cause by ignoring the sanction altogether without even talking to DH about it.

This will make a grown up conversation about next time very difficult as you've set it up that he is wrong and you are right rather than both of you discussing and agreeing behaviour management tactics. Judging by the sounds of him, he will take this very badly and go on the attack / defensive rather than coming to the table with a view to finding middle ground.

I agree with this.
AlphabetStew · 19/02/2022 14:12

Glad to hear he has it back now. I agree the punishment was far, far too severe. Yes, behaviours like biting are quite serious and must be dealt with but I don't think your husband handled it at all well.

Also, no, I don't think one incident of your child thinking he is being punished for his emotions will have lasting implications. What you want to be doing is guiding DS to manage his emotions, help him to find healthy ways to process negative emotions and not act out in aggressive or violent or damaging way. All very, very gently at his young age. It's not something he's going to crack by age 5. A lot of people in their 30s (and beyond) still haven't completely figured it out yet! Sure, I'm going through a tough time at the moment and am reaching for the biscuit tin a bit too much BlushGrin

AgathaAllAlong · 19/02/2022 14:13

Glad you've given your little boy his toy back, I think at this age taking away toys as punishment shouldn't be for longer than a few hours and only if the bad behaviour is directly related to the toy. He just won't make the connection yet between his behaviour and the toys.

Itwasntmeright · 19/02/2022 14:13

If he’s only a toddler then he will have already forgotten why the toy was removed. Punishments like this are absolutely pointless with toddlers, they don’t have the ability to understand that they are being punished for something they did two days ago. Yeah take away a toy if the toy is causing the trouble, but take it away immediately, then give it back when the behaviour has improved.

Dishing out a punishment when it’s not you who has to deal with the fallout is both pointless and a shitty thing to do, especially when it’s a completely inappropriate and ineffectual punishment for a toddler. Toddlers do tantrum, some of them tantrum a lot, it’s kind of part of toddlerhood. If your DH is finding your toddlers behaviour is worse for him, it’s because he’s not managing it very well, which is evident by this ridiculous, pointless and ineffectual punishment.

Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 14:14

@IForgiveYouPaula

his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages

I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself

😳

Well I wouldn't say it to my toddler would I but in a forum when I'm exhausted and venting and frustrated at the situation it's a bit different. Relentless whining and shouting all morning is hard bloody work. Toddlers and pregnancy are hard work. I admitted I was getting irate and snappy which is why I posted and why I gave it back. I'm sweary when I'm irritated, sorry if it offends (obviously not to my child I am not)
OP posts:
AledsiPad · 19/02/2022 14:15

He's 2! Give the tower back, leave the bastard. If he's like this now you are fucked when you have teenagers.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/02/2022 14:15

Your husband sounds clueless. At that age it ahouldnt be punishments, it should be proportionate, immediate consequences. So your husband says he has a sore arm or wherever he was bitten and it's too sore to play with him / get him what he wanted or whatever he was doing to start the tantrum. Of course a child that age has no concept of cause and long term effect, and won't understand why they are being punished 2 or 3 days later. Also its shit to make your life harder when you're pregnant. Of course your way of dealing with it doesn't 'work', young children are learning and they wont ever 'get it's after just a handful of times. I had a biter, she got frustrated when she couldn't communicate properly. Nursery always put her in time out for a couple of minutes, and had a chat with her, and then gave us a book about biting (I think it was called teeth are not for biting or something) which we read a couple of times a day, and the book really helped. She grew out of it in a few months

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:16

Used to take toys away or do time out for tantrums but wouldn't take a favourite toy away for that length of time at 3. I would make sure he knows he has done wrong, says sorry and understands then give it him back, just have to deal with an argument with your husband on Sunday eve.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 19/02/2022 14:17

I disagree with the punishment but you won't help your cause by ignoring the sanction altogether without even talking to DH about it.

Did he talk to her about the sanction before he imposed it, and decided she had to follow through in maintaining it while he was away?

Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 14:19

Advice already heeded and tower given back. It's not a leave the bastard job he is generally a good parent and DS is going through a particularly wearing phase of biting and shouting, he wound me up this morning with it so I can understand why DH might of thought he will try something else to deal with it. His way was wrong which I knew and I should of gone with my gut on that straight away and will explain it to him. Neither of us have any experience with kids prior to DS and are both trying our best just like every other parent out there. It was a misstep and yes I think he needs to read up on age appropriate consequences and will suggest that to him.

Anyway, toy is returned and DS is happy so all is well. Thanks for advice.

OP posts:
Cateria · 19/02/2022 14:20

Oh, they absolutely would be different. She wouldn't be called an arsehole,, a dick, accused of having anger issues. She would gently have been told it's OK to change your mind about a punishment and we all make mistakes in the heat of the moment
Well if the op's dh is posting on a dad's forum wondering if he's done the right thing lets hope he's getting similar sympathy then.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:22

OP - to the person who said leave him I almost spilt my tea! Men can tend to be stricter, my Dh used to completely over react and literally bag up a bin bag of toys and take them away ! You do need to punish so I disagree with those saying you cant discipline toddlers, if you don't do it now you will have hell of a ride with the teenage years.
Im glad all is well now :)

ancientgran · 19/02/2022 14:22

Well I wouldn't say it to my toddler would I but in a forum when I'm exhausted and venting and frustrated at the situation it's a bit different. Relentless whining and shouting all morning is hard bloody work. Toddlers and pregnancy are hard work. I admitted I was getting irate and snappy which is why I posted and why I gave it back. I'm sweary when I'm irritated, sorry if it offends (obviously not to my child I am not) Kids are hard work, if someone tells me they are always sweetness and light with a child I don't know if I should think they are a saint or a liar.

Parents are human, parents get it wrong, you got irritated and that's understandable. Your husband got bitten, he was probably irritated as well. Doesn't make either of you monsters, in fact it just confirms you are human.

HogDogKetchup · 19/02/2022 14:23

He’s the same age as my little boy and he just wouldn’t understand this. It’s too delayed.

ancientgran · 19/02/2022 14:24

@toddlertantrumishell

Advice already heeded and tower given back. It's not a leave the bastard job he is generally a good parent and DS is going through a particularly wearing phase of biting and shouting, he wound me up this morning with it so I can understand why DH might of thought he will try something else to deal with it. His way was wrong which I knew and I should of gone with my gut on that straight away and will explain it to him. Neither of us have any experience with kids prior to DS and are both trying our best just like every other parent out there. It was a misstep and yes I think he needs to read up on age appropriate consequences and will suggest that to him.

Anyway, toy is returned and DS is happy so all is well. Thanks for advice.

Don't think it is lack of experience. Every child is different. I've brought up 4 and I promise you with every one of them I've had different challenges and one thing was for sure, if I thought I'd worked it out the next child would prove me wrong.
Boiledbeetle · 19/02/2022 14:24

@toddlertantrumishell

I'm going to be honest I cried at what you wrote about what your son said when he got his toy back.

For me it was my mum who would pull this shit. It had nothing to do with reprimanding me or teaching me a lesson.

It was always about her getting annoyed and losing her temper and her subsequent need to show me that she had absolute control and absolute power over my happiness and wellbeing.

I still remember punishments like this from when I was 2. They felt unjust then and as an adult I am beyond disgusted in her.

Time for a very serious conversation with your husband I think.

SaySomethingMan · 19/02/2022 14:24

I agree this is over the top but clearly something needs to be done about his tantrums now. They’ll only get worse as he gets bigger

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 14:25

@esloquehay

You don't 'punish' a toddler. It's cruel. Your DH is a dick.
Of course you can punish a toddler, what a load of crap!
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