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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
thedefinitionofmadness · 19/02/2022 13:26

Give it back to him and give your husband some reading material on child development

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/02/2022 13:26

Your DH sounds a bit thick. Does he genuinely believe a 2 year old is going to equate the punishment to the crime?!

WonderfulYou · 19/02/2022 13:26

He's nearly 3 so he's too young to even understand a punishment like this in my opinion

I completely agree.

Yes there should be consequences but this is not the right form of punishment as he won’t be able to put the two together.

Candycan · 19/02/2022 13:27

op I have a 2 year old and couldn't imagine doing this to her. very very harsh

GrendelsGrandma · 19/02/2022 13:27

Yeah, give it back to him and get your DH to do some reading on how toddlers develop. They need to be given consequences in the moment for bad behaviour, this is teaching him nothing. If anything you're giving him a general disconnected vibe of 'you're a bad boy' which could become a self fulfilling prophecy.

JeffThePilot · 19/02/2022 13:27

I think your husband could do with doing some work to understand ages and stages and what is an appropriate response to behaviours like this. It’s not only a completely disproportionate but also entirely ineffective punishment.

RachelGreeneGreep · 19/02/2022 13:28

Give it back to him and tell your husband to cop on.

Mummytobe93 · 19/02/2022 13:28

Maybe give him a chance to redeem himself (let him help you with some tidying or something) otherwise he will probably be kicking off until tomorrow night as he’s got nothing to loose in his mind.

Smidgy · 19/02/2022 13:29

He's only 2 years old. He's not going to make any connection at this point between losing his favourite toy and his tantrums/biting yesterday, so the punishment is completely pointless.

And yes, it's all well and good throwing out harsh punishments when you're not the one who has to deal with the fallout. I would give the toy back to him now.

Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 13:29

He's got it back. He cried and said bin lorry no take it away at first and I'm hoping that's from his own head and not DHs words. I asked him if he knows why it was taken away and he said it was because he was sad and because he cried. I've told him you will never be in trouble for crying and that being upset or angry is ok, but we can't hurt people. I really bloody hope DH made it very clear it was for biting and not for crying. I make a point of encouraging DS to be able to say when he's happy, or sad, or angry so that we can talk things through and not tantrums so when he gets upset he knows that's being sad and he communicates that so if he's suddenly connecting that with punishment that's really awful. One incident wouldn't be enough to do that I hope? He tells me all the time that he's happy but is also honest and can acknowledge and name when he isn't and I'll be so sad if he thinks he can't be.

OP posts:
TurdCrapley · 19/02/2022 13:30

Oh my god, bless him. Please give it back. My son is 3 and he understands a telling off in the moment and then it's forgotten. Your little boy won't even understand why he can't have his toy. Your husband is a prick.

I shouldn't read these threads, they make me so sad.

ikeepseeingit · 19/02/2022 13:31

Give your son the toy back and have a good long chat with your DH about why it's not a developmentally appropriate way to teach your child. Your son isn't three yet, so he just plain old doesn't know what's going on. It's completely pointless. I hope your husband isn't doing this because he's actually holding a grudge against your two-year-old, and that he's doing it through a misguided judgment of correct discipline, and actually thinks it will work.

Chewbecca · 19/02/2022 13:31

I’d get him to promise to be a good boy (with any specific thing that suits) and give it back on that condition. Being prepared to follow through and remove again if needed.

PoshPyjamas · 19/02/2022 13:32

Tantrums are normal at that age, surely?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 19/02/2022 13:32

This book is meant to be quite good for biters..

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?
MistyFrequencies · 19/02/2022 13:33

I'm glad you gave it back. You're right to. And you sound like a lovely mum trying to raise a secure and happy little boy.

givethatbabyaname · 19/02/2022 13:33

Your DH is entirely in the wrong here.

Talk to your DS about how to deal with whatever triggers his tantrums. Calm behaviour, deep breaths, whatever works for your child. Then talk to him properly about why biting is wrong, that if he feels angry he must use his words, and give him examples. He’s 2/3yo. The very fact you have to do this is proof that the punishment is totally unsuitable for this age range. He doesn’t even have enough language yet to talk properly, let alone get a grip of his emotions. It’s not an Xbox, DS isn’t 15. You don’t frighten or shock a 2/3 into not biting, you teach them.

Then tell DS why daddy took the paw patrol thing away, and tell him that you believe he’s done a good job understanding what you’ve just told him so you think he can have it back. Not great, but what else can you do at this point. If he has another tantrum and you don’t see him trying to do the things you’ve just talked about, you’ll be sad. But that it’s okay, all little children have to try to handle themselves and you will help him.

Unchain the paw patrol thing from the tantrums and biting. It doesn’t work in a 2/3yo’s brain to link them.

When DH gets home tell him to grow the fuck up, and stop taking his impatience and anger out on a little boy. How can he expect to teach a kid not to tantrum, when he’s tantrumming himself?

Stroopwaffle5000 · 19/02/2022 13:34

He needs to go to parenting classes!

Sexnotgender · 19/02/2022 13:34

I’ve got a 3 year old so understand your pain!

Absolutely give him it back. That’s not an appropriate consequence and he simply won’t understand.

CaMePlaitPas · 19/02/2022 13:35

This is really unfair on him. "Punishment" at this age should be in line with their age (2 mins for a 2 year old , 3 for a 3 year old etc) and should be more of a time out/cool down. I feel sorry for you and for him.

FlossMoss · 19/02/2022 13:35

In all seriousness, I would be keeping a close eye on future situations. Don't let your dh tell you your instincts are wrong as they clearly aren't.

I remember being all horrified when there was a biter at DD's playgroup. A couple of weeks later the little boy was no longer biting. A couple of weeks after that my dd was the biter! People were avoiding us like I had avoided that little boy. It's a phase. They are frustrated so they bite.

Soubriquet · 19/02/2022 13:35

Bless his little heart. He sounds so confused

Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 13:37

Tantrumsare normal, though it's very wearing if you get a whole day of them. Biting is also fairly normal in toddlers but by 3 it is pretty well the most anti social thing your child can do (it can cause really nasty injuries for a start) so its definitely one to clamp down on. Just redirecting isnt a strong enough message at nearly 3.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2022 13:37

Give it back. I can’t stand bullying men/ “fathers” who expect the women to back them up with unreasonable punishments.

LoveMyPiano · 19/02/2022 13:40

Shouldn't the duration of the "punishment" be related to the age - and in hours maybe, not days!
All that this has resulted in is you now becoming tired of and maybe impatient with how your litle boy is acting because he does not have the toy, when he would otherwise probably be playing nicely with (and sort of gratefully, even if not conscious of that himself) had he been restricted from it fo a couple of hours after the biting incident.
In no universe would I have been left to 1) maintain the "punishment", and/or 2) Have supported that kind of teatment of a 2-3 year old in the first place.

I would be the one biting, not the kid. It's inhuman, to all parties, except your husband. He sounds horrible.

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