Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

Are they supposed to just hang around for your whims? What an odd attitude. They have lives too you know.

It sounds like you have really been taking them for granted.

They are not abandoning you because they are not responsible for you. They are entitled to their own lives. Yes, you can feel sad about them moving away, but you have to accept that it's there decision and you have no right to have them near you.

I understand why you're upset and 3 hours is actually quite a long way - more than what can we done in a day trip for most people. I don't think there can be a 'should' about this though. They have to live their own life. It's not reasonable just to stay because you want them to. But I can understand why you are upset as you obviously will see a lot less of them.

You couldn’t be more unreasonable. I bet you wouldn’t think twice about moving if it suited you.

Sorry but I think YABVU!

It's absolutely fine to be sad about them being further away but it's ridiculous to say they're "abandoning" you - you and your DH are grown adults, they're not leaving their young kids behind.

Moving away to somewhere they enjoy doesn't mean they don't enjoy being Grandparents and it would be massively U to try claim otherwise. You also shouldn't be expecting them to stay because you want them to "help out with their Grandkids" - you can love your Grandkids and enjoy spending time with them without wanting to do childcare.

You seem to only be thinking about yourself and all the reasons they should want to be around you. Why not try see it from their side - they want to enjoy their 'golden' years in a location that they love and have been enjoying holidaying in for a while. They've lived their lives, they should be allowed to enjoy their retirement without being made to feel guilty for abandoning grown up children - I'd imagine that's why you were the last to know because your reactions sound very self centred. They're 3 hours away, many people live further than that from their family/parents - they can visit and you can visit them, presumably if it's somewhere they've enjoyed holidaying it could be a nice place to take the kids to for holidays sometimes?

It's almost always the younger generation moving without a backward glance, and no-one gives that a thought.

True enough. I did this to my parents and am only too well aware that it could happen to me. And I would do my very best to keep smiling.

But I can’t think of anything that could make me move away from my grandchildren while they’re still young enough to enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. And I feel very sad for the OP.

3 hours is not that far you can still visit! When my kids were young we never lived near grandparents and we managed

I think you need to let go of melodramatic ideas such as that they’re ‘abandoning’ you. They’re moving to the countryside for a better quality of life/to enjoy their retirement time. Probably it will be relaxing for the grandma too who sounds like she might not be that well if they’re caring for her full time. I’m sure they’ll still be loving grandparents and it will be nice to visit them and let your kids see the countryside.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to feel sad. If my pils moved three hours away I would miss them a lot. We have family that far away and although we love them it’s a different relationship to mil who we see nearly every day compared with people we see in the summer holidays.

I’d also have a look at your idea that it makes you feel like they don’t want to ‘help out’ with your kids. They’re already caring for an elderly grandma/parent, they don’t need to ‘help out’ and there shouldn’t be that expectation of them. Being loving grandparents, sure, but it sort of sounds like you mean providing free childcare for two very small children.

YABVU and very, very unfair.
They are moving 3 hours away not to Australia. They are free and can go and do what they want. You can still see them - or is it that you think they should be on hand for you for child care? No. They have their own lives - they have already raised their own families and your DH should be pleased for them that they are going to have a nice retirement in the country.
You MIL's mother is 85 and she will need to watch out for her.
I don;t get your thinking at all.

Abandoning you? You're adults!

They already have caring responsibilities for an elderly person. I can imagine they don't want to be made to feel guilty for not looking after your children too.

This is a soft you're being very unreasonable.

You can obviously be upset because they're moving, but it doesn't mean you're not going to see them ever again. For the DC's, get them to think about it like an adventure, when you visit them they're going on an adventure, tell them that them moving doesn't mean DGM&DGP love them any less, or that they don't want to see them, explain that sometimes people move away, they don't stay in the same house forever it's part of life.

The unreasonable bit is that they can move wherever they want, they obviously love the new house and location more than their current location, they're moving a few hours away, not to the other side of the world. You'll still see them. They don't need to factor your needs at all, maybe they don't want to be babysitters, and that's OK. They want to enjoy their retirement, their child rearing days are over. Please get some perspective, it's 3 hours away, there's allsorts of tech available to keep in touch.

I'm moving 400 miles away from my family, I'm doing it for me, to get a fresh start, I can't fucking wait tbh, it doesn't mean I don't love my family and friends any less, but I need to do what's right for me and my life.

mag2305 My oldest daughter( she was 43 at the time) only wished me well when I moved from Ohio to Florida 11 years ago ( 20 hours away.)
While my youngest daughter ( 41 at the time) felt that I had abandoned her. " KIDS are supposed to MOVE NOT mothers!!!"
She then told me that I will just be another old lady in Florida that NO one gives a shit about. "
The oldest and I have a close bond that can NOT be broken with distance. She visits regularly, we Face time and talk daily. She's my best buddy.
My youngest one is selfish, spoiled and wanted my babysitting and financial support. I attempted to convince her that I have devoted my entire life to my kids and it was my turn to live life my way.
She screamed, " Once you are a parent you are a parent all your life. You are supposed to always take care of your children and grandchildren."
After 11 years of her abuse she is now NO Contact with me...( and her sister) which at this point is such a relief. I'm 74 now. I am glad that I moved away. Please be happy. They didn't abandon you. They moved a short distance.
PS I have never expected my children to take care of me as I grow older. Never once thought of it.

I think YABU. The very fact that you consider it abandonment implies that you might be over-reliant on them. With an elderly parent who relies upon them for care, I would expect you to be helping them if you're close rather than adding to their burden.

Three hours isn't that long so you can still enjoy a loving grandparent relationship with them, and they can live in a place that they love. My kids live over 3000 miles away from their grandparents and they have a beautiful, close and loving relationship. And you have a great place to visit for holidays!

Wow, some pretty nasty comments on here about how they'd better watch out, or they won't be looked after in their old age. VVU. They are already doing their family duty, looking after an elderly woman who probably requires a great deal of time and caring. Do you ever do your share of looking after grandma, or is it all about you getting your "rights"? I guess we in the colonies, whose ancestors, 150 years ago, sailed to the far side of the world on a 4-6 month voyage, with no expectation of ever returning, have a different slant. Parents owe their children nothing, and vice versa. It's wonderful if mutual, freely-given love can ensure that each generation supports the one above and below, but it's just not always possible. I've always been amazed at the often very co-dependent relationships that exist between parents and chlidren in the UK. We all get one life, and the duty to ourselves to live it wisely and well. Your parents raised you, cared for you, suffered for you, spent a fortune on you. Think on that, sometimes, rather than on how hard done-by you are.

YANBU to be upset but 'abandoning' you is a bit strong - you are adults, after all. But you can't make people be the grandparents/parents you want them to be. And for your own sake I would make peace with that.

I expected my DM to be a very hands on grandmother but my parents moved country when I was pregnant with my first. I've known no different than not having any family support and it's fine. I mean they aren't even going that far so I'm sure you'll still see them regularly.

PiperPosey I live in Cincinnati! I'm sorry about your daughter, that's rough.

@steff13 Thank you so very much. I suffered with her antics all her life. And now? I feel such freedom from NOT walking on egg shells around her.
I have a very close bond with her children who are 19 and 21. I will NEVER say an unkind word to them about their mom. I can't imagine what she says about me. But they don't share and I don't ask. I feel bad for them because I know what she's like.
They are at the age of moving out once they finish college.
Cinncy? You guys played so good in the Super Bowl! You showed up!

Stop being so wet and drippy. Let them lead their own lives!

Life is so short, good for them!

Tell the children it’s sad that grandparents are moving away but it means you can visit for lovely holidays.

I lost my parents when they were both young, I wish they’d had the courage to live their lives for themselves and not others.

YABU I’m afraid. They are entitled to their own life. You say your haven’t expected much of them but perhaps they feel differently, maybe “not a lot” to you is “too much” to them.

"Once you are a parent you are a parent all your life. You are supposed to always take care of your children and grandchildren."

This attitude is so pervasive on MN, and I just don't get it. Some people on MN seem to think that if you're a woman and you've given birth to children, because it only ever seems to apply to mothers or mothers-in-law, you're obligated to spend the rest of your life at the beck and call of your children.

So once they're raised if they need you to babysit so that they can work or go on date nights or do whatever, you have to do that with no thought to yourself or your life. And any failure on your part to do that will result in them being perfectly justified in just throwing you out on the curb in your old age and never bothering with you again. Which is not only rude but illogical because if we're talking tit for tat then your mother raising you to childhood ought to be sufficient for you to care for her in her old age.

As I said in a previous post I have never expected my children to care for me and my old age. I'm perfectly happy to go to a nursing facility. I would like for them to visit me, but I don't think that I should feel obligated to provide all of these services for them for the rest of my life or they will just not be bothered with me anymore. But people on MN come out with that all the time.

To feel sad that parents are moving and worried you will have less support? No. To feel ‘abandoned’? Yes, a bit. My parents moved abroad without a second thought for me bringing up my ND kiddo alone. I’m a bit miffed about it, frankly (and they use my place as a free hotel and airport run when it suits them) but if they choose to literally distance themselves from my life, I’ve no rights to it. Although I will definitely make my own life choices later on through the same lens. (I would never be so …. unavailable for my child. They stated outright that their choices should not be limited by my vulnerability, which is fair enough. So I won’t make my future-life choices based on theirs. You can’t have it both ways)

Cinncy? You guys played so good in the Super Bowl! You showed up!

We were heartbroken! So close! Joe will bring us back there though. 🐯 Who Dey!

You are supposed to always take care of your children and grandchildren.

Erm no.
You raise and care for your children.
They raise and care for their children.