Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

@joliefolle

Maybe MIL is waiting for an apology from her son who kicked off and said things he shouldn’t have done

This. I really don’t understand why there has to be any “talking over”.

My DH didn't say anything nasty regarding the move, he just didn't agree. Having said that, my DH is more likely to make the first move with his mum as I can't see her doing it.

Why should she make the first move? They're grown adults choosing to move house - it's not your DH's place to "agree" with them

OP - having read your updates, it sounds like you and your DH are not particularly close to your MIL. It feels like you’re upset just because with them moving you will lose access to free and reliable childcare. You sound very selfish and YABVY.
My children have never lived in the same country as their grand parents yet they are very close to them as they have spent a lot of quality time together during holidays.

My dh got upset and angry yesterday and probably said some things he shouldn't

Just be honest with yourself at least. It's not his place to 'agree' or otherwise with their decision to move to their holiday home in any case, but he did more than that.

Think about what he actually said and think about how that made the people on the other end of it feel. Think about why they told their daughter about their decision to move but put off telling their son. Think about it from someone else's point of view.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in.

=

*We're annoyed because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and they’ll no longer be available at drop of a hat to help us with the kids and give us a break”.

What I find so utterly depressing is that it almost seems as though once a person reaches a certain age they are not permitted to do anything out of the ordinary. It seems that the expectation is to be a granny who sits around waiting for the times they see the grandkids. They aren't allowed to do anything just for them, or have any ambitions, or make plans to climb Everest or whatever. Or even, shock horror, move house!

@loislovesstewie

What I find so utterly depressing is that it almost seems as though once a person reaches a certain age they are not permitted to do anything out of the ordinary. It seems that the expectation is to be a granny who sits around waiting for the times they see the grandkids. They aren't allowed to do anything just for them, or have any ambitions, or make plans to climb Everest or whatever. Or even, shock horror, move house!

This!!! Especially more so for grandmothers. God forbid they might actually want to do other things too.

One minute the son said something he now regrets and now he said nothing.

One minute the ILS are so close it is a shock they are moving - now they aren't that close.

@XpressoMartini

OP - having read your updates, it sounds like you and your DH are not particularly close to your MIL. It feels like you’re upset just because with them moving you will lose access to free and reliable childcare. You sound very selfish and YABVY. My children have never lived in the same country as their grand parents yet they are very close to them as they have spent a lot of quality time together during holidays.

It's not to do with not being close. She can just be difficult and has a fiery side to her. I'm really close to my own parents and they can be difficult too in their own ways. That's just human nature. I don't think that needs reading into.

It's not to do with childcare. My DH and I job share. An 80% him, 20% me at the moment but this will increase slightly in time. My mum sometimes will help out too, not really the ILs. So anyone who's made assumptions about childcare from them is wrong.

So far you have described your MIL as unmaternal, unemotional, discontent, highly touchy and with a fiery side to her...

Surely you should be helping her pack her bags?

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption people are making re childcare. You said in your op you felt they might be moving so they didn’t have to ‘help out,’ plus judging by your descriptions of them it’s hard to find any other reason you wouldn’t want them to move. It’s not like people have plucked it from thin air.

My PILs didn't really do this. In fact, my MIL retired 2 years ago exactly and her main reason (so she often told us) was to spend lots of time with our ds

But two years ago you didn't have a second child and you said they are really close to DS.

Stop guilt tripping them, send them off with your heartfelt blessing and make plans for how and when you will see them in the future.

I'm older than your ILs and if my DCs had been like you both have, I'd be so so upset. I have no idea what your DH said but he needs to make amends and you need to have a change of heart about their move and move on from this. Neither of you should be 'upset and angry' about two people wanting to live their lives in the best way.

That is so unfair

It's not missing them due to childcare relating to work. That's not particularly relevant to us. If anything it's more just missing that support of them being nearby. DH and I have had a really difficult time this last year - my second pregnancy was extremely hard for many reasons and I was ill throughout, dd had to go into special care after birth, we moved house when she was 9 weeks old, I had terrible PND and anxiety (had it with ds too), I also had a health worry during that time. My ds started at pre school but got really ill almost straight away (two bouts if tonsillitis, a stomach bug, ear infection, several coughs, colds, then was recently quite seriously ill with glandular fever). I pretty much had a nervous breakdown over Christmas through all the strain and lost a lot of weight. My dh also started two new jobs in the autumn and has also been ill with every germ going.
I didn't want to put all that into my initial comment on this thread as yes, that is all about us. We haven't said any of that to the ILs as of course, that sounds like guilt tripping them into staying and we'd hate that. There's probably never a good time to move away as life problems could always get in the way but after the last year, I think we're feeling a sense of vulnerability perhaps. Despite my MIL moans, they are fabulous ILs, we all love them very much and they've really supported us. Maybe that explains my comments in a slightly more detailed context.

That’s wonderful they’ve supported you through all of this, and I’m sorry for all you’ve been through - sounds like a difficult year indeed. But it must have been difficult or you in laws too.

If they wish to move away though, that’s their right. I’m sure they can give you long distance support too.