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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 18/02/2022 02:07

I can understand why you are hurt if you are close. I’d be frank if they say well we’ll still see lots of you. Be clear how often or not you’ll visit.

jytdtysrht · 18/02/2022 02:13

I personally think it’s a bit weird prioritising location over proximity to children/grandchildren. But I would just crack on with your life - a 3yo will forget seeing them all the time really quickly and the baby will never know any different.

PiperPosey · 18/02/2022 02:14

@steff13 Maybe it's more prevalent in the States to have our opinions. I never gave it a thought when I lived in Ohio and my parents moved to Florida when I was 20 and had a Newborn.
I just assumed I would take care of my child without them assisting me. They had 4 adult children when they moved. The key word here is ADULT children who were very capable and independent.

I never saw them so happy as when I would visit them in Florida. Just happy to be by themselves without the stress of handling adult children's problems. None of us informed them about having an electric bill due...or husband issues...to babysit etc.
And thank God because my dad died at 52 ...died with his boots on playing tennis in beautiful Florida weather.

PiperPosey · 18/02/2022 02:16

@Chichimcgee AMEN to that... 100% agree.

steff13 · 18/02/2022 02:17

PiperPosey I think you might be right. My parents died, my dad when I was 21, and my mom and I was 24. I had a little baby when they each died and I just had to crack on and take care of it myself. My mother-in-law would babysit from us from time to time but she worked and had her own stuff going on so she would always just take our kids when she wanted to to have time with them. It was never really because we needed it. Not that she would have been opposed to doing that occasionally but we wouldn't have abused the privilege by expecting her to do it on a regular basis.

CrabSnake · 18/02/2022 02:18

@jytdtysrht

I personally think it’s a bit weird prioritising location over proximity to children/grandchildren. But I would just crack on with your life - a 3yo will forget seeing them all the time really quickly and the baby will never know any different.
I agree, if it wasn't for work I'd always want to be close to family. We moved away from ILs because of DH's job and I can't wait to move back once he's finished with it (even though the location we live now is a lot nicer).
Bromse · 18/02/2022 02:20

It often happens that people move away when they retire. I expect they think you will visit them for holidays; I hope you do and have some good times there.

I understand it's hard for you all to 'los'e parents and grandparents in that way but you will get used to it, honestly. They are not doing it to escape you and the fact that others knew before you is just how it happened. Short of getting all the family together and making an announcement, there was always going to be someone who was told last.

Chin up, life goes on.

Flickflak · 18/02/2022 02:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ExhaustedMumma · 18/02/2022 02:21

The Mumsnet response is always so individualistic in relation to any expectation of grandparents - they owe their kids nothing and can do whatever they want. It’s true but it’s also quite sad and it’s clear not everyone feels that way.

For lots of people, parents/grandparents are a part of their everyday lives and it isn’t unreasonable to expect that to the case if that’s the way your family has always been. It’s also not unreasonable to feel sad that a move away is more important to them than being near you. It’s just something that you’ll need to learn to live with.

My grandparents were hands on and a daily part of my lives as a child. They meant the world to me. My parents are distant in comparison and it does make me feel sad but I recognise their entitlement to their own lives and that I can’t change it.

Joystir59 · 18/02/2022 02:28

Shock horror, lots of parents of adult children don't want a particularly active role in the lives of grand children.

blackdumpling · 18/02/2022 02:31

I live 3 hour drive from my family
It's really not that far away if you put time into perspective
Many people will sit on their arse watching TV in the evening for 3 hours
It's just sitting in a car for the same amount of time
3 hours is just a 2 CDs away
Listen to some music, make the trip fun
Make the trips there a holiday to look forward to
You can easily go and visit them whenever you choose
You are choosing to be self centred & see this as all about you
They just want to enjoy their retirement
They already are the carers of a frail old woman
They should not be expected to be providing you with more help when they are already carers
This attitude is selfish & highly unreasonable
You are not being "abandoned", you are being "dramatic"
If this is your reaction it seems clear why they haven't told you till now
Let these people enjoy their twilight years
Who wouldn't want to go live at their holiday house if they could?

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/02/2022 02:34

I find your use of language interesting.

You are adulting, parenting, bill paying etc but use the word "abandoned" about his parents moving away.

I wonder if you rely on them more than you admit and more than they are happy with, which may have contributed to their move. I will be moving 2.5 hours away when all of my children have left home, I will sell up and move to the coast. Not because I dont want my kids but because by the time I can do that, I will have been actively parenting (ie, to under 18's) for 41 years and it will be my time. I will still work but I will live where I want to rather than where my kids school and friends are.

As an aside, I am ten years younger than your parents and envy the fact that they can take early retirement, I rather suspect that I will be working until I am 80 if the current increases in retirement age are anything to go by.....

PiperPosey · 18/02/2022 02:35

steff13 I'm sorry that you lost your parents at such a young age. Tragic.
I have seen so often grandparents being taken advantage of and being expected to babysit their grandchildren. That was nice of you to recognize this.

BeckonCall · 18/02/2022 02:40

AYBU to feel sad that they're moving? - No, not unreasonable.

AYBU to call it abandoning? - Yes, unreasonable.

AYBU to be upset that they're not emotional about leaving their grandchildren and son? - Yes, unreasonable.

They're allowed to be excited at this big move and change of life. They're looking after an elderly mother, so they're stuck between generations and expected to care for everyone.

I think it is worth your son having a heart-to-heart chat with them where he says he will really miss them and feels sad that they're moving away. Hopefully they'll say they'll miss him too, and you can all look forward to lovely holidays in the countryside for the grandchildren.

It is upsetting, but try not to make it all about you and your children.

tricky29 · 18/02/2022 02:50

I can see why you’re upset (and your DH), but your in-laws are only a decade or so older than me and I suppose that in my late 50s, once my children are independent, I would like to make choices for me and my OH about what we want to do while we are young enough to really get the most out of it.

It’s not that your kids aren’t incredibly important but more about your children having their own lives (which they should) and you having your own life back a bit (which is also fine).

It’s definitely a conundrum...you might miss out with hands-on grand parenting and then feel you don’t want to hands-on sort of care when they are really old.

I would just say try not to take it too personally and keep your lines of communication open as much as you can. It probably feels like an exciting thing for them, might not be permanent so don’t do or say anything you can’t get back from.

They might look forward to you visiting a lot.

KosherDill · 18/02/2022 02:50

They're only in their 50s; it's understandable they don't want a staid grandparently life. They have lots of their own living to do yet!!

Three hours journey isn't enough to preclude lots of visits. Meet halfway and it's nothing at all.

Good luck.

Katie2017 · 18/02/2022 02:58

Guys, the OP and her DH found out just today, I'm not surprised about the strong reaction, it's a shock. OP am sure you will get used to the idea and see it's not so bad but I can definitely see why you would be shocked it's come out the blue for you both. Who knows in a couple years they might decide to move back. I'm sure they are upset to be moving further away from you just because they don't act like it doesn't mean it hasn't been hard for them.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 02:59

AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? more important than what? Their happiness? No you can't slow down your life and live somewhere you like g hrvatska even in your 50s you don't matter??

It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones. maybe so but why is that OK but not in reverse?

Suzi888 · 18/02/2022 03:06

Personally I think it’s odd they haven’t mentioned it, before now.
Agree with pp, free holidays Grin.

It’s their life, not an awful lot you can say or do. I’d be disappointed too.

camperqueen54 · 18/02/2022 03:07

We are in our 50s and plan to move to Thailand for a while. Imagine! Having a life!

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 03:15

Hands up, I admit, the word a banding was too strong. I get why that doesn't sound right. Bad choice of word there.

I suppose this is just total contrast to my own family. I'm an only child and I'm incredibly close to my parents. They wouldn't move away because family is priority. Not through duty for anything but because we are close and like being nearby each other. I'm very lucky that my dh values family as much as we do.

My grandparents were always local and I grew up seeing lots of them. That's just my own experience that was a good one so I suppose I want similar for my children. However I know 3 hours isn't awful and it will just be different.

For those who said about the 85 year old grandmother, she currently lives in sheltered type accommodation 2 mins away from my inlaws. When they move she'll still be in new sheltered accommodation but actually further away from them than now. Plus, they do go on holidays quite a bit which is fine but currently my dh is nearby to go and see her when that happens. My dh is really really close to his grandma too so that's another sad part of it and she loves seeing her great grandchildren. If she stayed here, we'd definitely look after her but it seems like she'll go too.

OP posts:
Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 03:16

abandoning that should say

OP posts:
poTAYtoes · 18/02/2022 03:34

I can see why OP's husband would be upset, since his parents seem to have kept this a secret from him. Of course they can do what they want, but I do think moving 3 hours away from such young grandchildren is unusual for grandparents who have previously been active in their GCs' lives.

I'd try not to burn any bridges, but I'd certainly find that hurtful, and it would change how I felt about them and what I'd be willing to do for them in the future.

Mamanyt · 18/02/2022 03:40

I'm at a bit of a loss...it's nothing, here in the USA, for parents to retire to places well over 1000 miles away! Three hours is a bit of nothing. I do understand that you will miss them, but "abandoning" you? That's hardly the case, unless you and DH are 14 years old (and I'm reasonably sure that you are not), or unless you have been depending on them for child-care, etc, far, far more than you say here.

GreekGod · 18/02/2022 03:56

YABVU

Abandoned you ? They are only in their late 50s and want to move away. They are not unpaid babysitters. I am sorry OP but you should be feeling happy and exited for them with their new life choice not resentful.