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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:
Tigandgab · 18/02/2022 06:21

You're being ridiculous and self absorbed. Why shouldn't they have their own lives.

FuckThatBullshit · 18/02/2022 06:23

God you sound needy I don't blame them

Polyanthus2 · 18/02/2022 06:27

Are the ILs working?
Because if they are working but still seeing lots of your 3 year old - that is quite time consuming - also have DGM to visit too.
As a DGM small children are all consuming - you can't put your feet up and read a book and leave a small child to amuse itself - basically you are on duty all the time they're there. Lovely to see my DGCs but not all the time.

Flatandhappy · 18/02/2022 06:48

We have a toddler granddaughter who we look after one day a week. We plan on moving when our youngest finishes Uni, probably 3-4 hours away. Ideally we will time it so it coincides with GD starting school but it is possible we will go the year before and tbh that will be a very minor part of our decision making. We would plan to visit every 6-8 weeks if they wanted to see us ( not staying with them) and would hope they would visit us a couple of times a year. We are the “secondary” grandparents, my DIL is very close to her mum and understandably spends a lot of time there, I am close to my son but he rightly prioritises what his wife wants so we often feel that we are good for childcare but get less of the fun stuff. Am I supposed to stay near for their convenience when my dream has always been to live by the ocean which we don’t at present? I wonder if your in laws feel the same. I might have a different view if it were my daughter’s child and she wanted to see me every day.

Roselilly36 · 18/02/2022 06:50

YABU 3hrs away is nothing at all, it’s hardly the other side of the world. If DH parents have had the holiday home for sometime, and they intended to move there full time in the future, I would have thought they would have spoken at some time to their son of the plans? I can see why you are disappointed but it’s their lives and their choice.

cookiemonster2468 · 18/02/2022 06:50

I think you are being really dramatic about it.

A 3 hour drive is not insurmountable. They can still be good grandparents and see your children often AND have the retirement they want.

Try to be happy for them. They're not "abandoning" you, they are trying to have a happy retirement in a nice location.

SuPerDoPer · 18/02/2022 06:53

They have planned this and not told you because they knew your reaction would be overly dramatic. They are allowed to live their lives and it founds like they've put a lot of thought into it.

AuntieMarys · 18/02/2022 06:55

@SuPerDoPer

They have planned this and not told you because they knew your reaction would be overly dramatic. They are allowed to live their lives and it founds like they've put a lot of thought into it.
Good point.
MsTSwift · 18/02/2022 06:55

They are only in their 50s! The “needing care” comments are mad!

luluw41 · 18/02/2022 06:56

You are making this all about you. I’m sure they did consider you when making the decision to move, but it sounds as if they’ve grown to love this new area so much they’ve put themselves first. Why shouldn’t they? They’ve devoted their younger life to raising a family, it’s their turn now and your turn to raise yours. From what you’ve said taking an elderly relative along isn’t exactly being selfish either. Looking after her and your young family doesn’t sound do able at their age. 3 hours isn’t that far, you can always meet halfway for a day out with the kids once a month and take it in turns to visit maybe overnight each month. That way you’ll see each other twice a month. Perhaps you could consider moving closer to them maybe?

whiteroseredrose · 18/02/2022 06:59

YANBU

I'd be upset too, particularly with your update about his grandmother now potentially having no visitors while they go on holiday.

My parents live around the corner from us. They have been very hands on (their choice) and now have a very close relationship with my DC. It is great both ways.

PIL live a 2.5 hour drive away and have a lovely relationship but it isn't the same. They were busy and had their own lives.

If your PIL have chosen to move, they are obviously not that bothered about being involved with their grandchildren. Their loss.

I wouldn't be in a great hurry to pack everything into a car to drive to visit them. It was a major expedition for us when DC were little. So much gear, car sickness and motorway traffic jams just when DC need a wee.

Also, now that PIL are much more frail it is becoming a problem.

With my own DGM I could pop in a couple of times a week, shop for her, take her to appointments etc. And I will be able to do the same for my parents.

PIL are proving much more tricky. A lot of their friends have died, FIL shouldn't be driving but there is nothing we can do to help them, so he does. We both work full time so couldn't help with any care as even taking to a half hour appointment would involve a whole day.

They made choices though and are now living with the consequences.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 07:02

You're being a bit daft OP.
My IL's have just moved a few hours away and we're moving another half hour in the opposite direction.

They've got a house with a fair amount of land and wild animals etc for a similar price as we're paying for a house in a (albeit very nice) town.

They're not moving to the moon or somewhere extortionately expensive.

If they originally bought it as a holiday house I bet it's nice for the kids.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 18/02/2022 07:16

YABU and self centred. Your children can still have a wonderful relationship with them.

When I was little my maternal grandparents lived with us. Both my parents worked full time so my granny was my primary carer. When I was 5 they moved back to Ireland and after that I only saw them for the summer holidays (and not every year as some years my parents couldn't manage the ferry fare). This was the 60s so phone calls were too expensive (and GPs didn't have a phone!) so weekly letters were our only contact. Despite that we were still very close, much closer than we were to my dads mum who only lived 5 miles away.

Flazeda · 18/02/2022 07:18

YABU, there it is.

Brefugee · 18/02/2022 07:20

3 hours? it's hardly the middle of the Outback is it?
And YABU. Give yourself a good talking to. First because it is entirely up to them where they live. And second because the other way round? the MIL who was being left alone in the country as the 2nd of her sons went abroad was called manipulative for being sad about that.

Help them pack and be nice to them. You can visit for holidays. Heck they might even offer to have your DCs for part of the holidays, that would be brilliant, no?

yesterdayisgone · 18/02/2022 07:23

Were you hoping for free childcare when you returned to work ?

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 07:23

@whiteroseredrose

YANBU

I'd be upset too, particularly with your update about his grandmother now potentially having no visitors while they go on holiday.

My parents live around the corner from us. They have been very hands on (their choice) and now have a very close relationship with my DC. It is great both ways.

PIL live a 2.5 hour drive away and have a lovely relationship but it isn't the same. They were busy and had their own lives.

If your PIL have chosen to move, they are obviously not that bothered about being involved with their grandchildren. Their loss.

I wouldn't be in a great hurry to pack everything into a car to drive to visit them. It was a major expedition for us when DC were little. So much gear, car sickness and motorway traffic jams just when DC need a wee.

Also, now that PIL are much more frail it is becoming a problem.

With my own DGM I could pop in a couple of times a week, shop for her, take her to appointments etc. And I will be able to do the same for my parents.

PIL are proving much more tricky. A lot of their friends have died, FIL shouldn't be driving but there is nothing we can do to help them, so he does. We both work full time so couldn't help with any care as even taking to a half hour appointment would involve a whole day.

They made choices though and are now living with the consequences.

Exactly this. We haven't been to their holiday home yet. I'm sure it's lovely but it's not very big so that will no doubt cause a bit of tension with two little ones (my mil can be very particular). At the moment we are struggling with my son's behaviour with possible SEN and our 7 month old absolutely hates the car! She screams even before we leave the driveway quite often. Of course, we'll do our best with visiting but it's not going to be easy. If they come down to see us, we don't have space for them to stay at ours so I don't know if they'll be up for a hotel or Airbnb.

They absolutely adore our ds in particular and I'm sad that he won't really understand.

I know families live far away, different counties, states, countries, for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it's choice, sometimes it isn't. But those people who have said that living closeby to family is a bad thing, isn't really fair. How can it be bad to want to be near your family at any stage of life? It's just personal choice.

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 18/02/2022 07:30

Love the fact that you chose to quote one of the very few people who agreed with you rather than the majority who think you are being a bit of a drama queen 😁

Kanaloa · 18/02/2022 07:31

Yeah but the thing is you can’t your personal choice, or preference, to someone else’s living situation. They want to live in the countryside. Living close to each other is great if everyone’s happy. Living nearby because your DIL thinks it’s ‘so sad’ that you’re not prioritising the family and you’re ‘abandoning’ your adult kids, or living close so the kids won’t refuse to care for or visit you if you become frail and elderly? That’s not the same thing whatsoever.

Kanaloa · 18/02/2022 07:31

You can’t apply your personal choice, I meant.

Figgygal · 18/02/2022 07:34

All your posts are about you
Do they help a lot with the kids by any chance
Fair play to them

BasiliskStare · 18/02/2022 07:36

@Brefugee - I know it wasn't the Op's point but a good point I think you make is - ( caveat DH & I never relied on GPs for day to day childcare - we both worked full time and had plans in place ) but when DS was young and it was school holidays he loved going to stay with GPs for a while & they loved having him & because they weren't around the corner it felt like a holiday for him & they were geared up for it.

Brefugee · 18/02/2022 07:36

I was wondering if they were doing this now to pre-empt being sucked more and more in to giving free childcare while also looking after an elderly parent.

godmum56 · 18/02/2022 07:37

@LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….
bloody hell that's nasty
RewildingAmbridge · 18/02/2022 07:39

This is fairly common where I live clear to London and in a lot of more urban areas I suspect, people retire, sell up and move somewhere more rural, if they didn't it would be even more impossible to get on the housing ladder. PIL live in a rural village 1.5-2 hours away DS loves visiting them and MIL comes to look after him at least one day every other week