Page 17 | Inlaws abandoning us to move away

Crikeyalmighty · 19/02/2022 20:39

I remember reading quite a lot of comments from some late middle aged and older women with regard to Brexit , ones who didn’t have much of a career etc saying they were glad that their children would now find it difficult to move out the UK for work opportunities and more likely to stay local. I remember thinking ‘serves you right if your adult son goes and lives in Devon and you live in Newcastle- whereas if he lived in Amsterdam you could just hop on a plane regularly.’ It’s up to them OP, clearly the thought of not being around yours or you theirs all the time doesn’t bother them too much , and that’s life- people are all different.

Wednesday88 · 19/02/2022 20:51

At last……….
A voice of reason,
Spent 40 years working full time, & put everyone before me (my nickname was noddy as I didn’t want to let anybody down) this backfired in 2016 when I was diagnosed with a 30% survival of a 7 Hour operation , 18 months recovering however Against the odds I’m still here 7 years later,
I have learnt to be stronger & some people are very selfish
It is what it is,

Grasping · 19/02/2022 20:54

I’m a similar age to your in-laws.

I have 4 children and am a devoted Mum, MiL and GMa. However, my priority now is me, followed by DH. I love all my children but they need to find their own way, as I did.
My job is done

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 20:58

fairylightsandwaxmelts

I would be really upset if my adult DC fucked off to the other side of the planet, and they would if me and DH did. It will never happen though, as we love each other, and care about each other too much to to do this. I would only move away if I had no-one here who meant anything to mE”

Sounds trite but I mean it, I love our kids so much that I would die for them.
So I want them to live their lives to the full and go wherever that takes them.

Really don’t understand why you don’t if, as you say, you love them? Don’t you want what’s best for them (rather than what’s best for you)?

mrcE1 · 19/02/2022 21:51

@mag2305

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there. My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

Obvious solution - announce you’re moving to join them in the country.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 19/02/2022 21:53

@MrsSkylerWhite I'm confused - I don't think that's meant for me?

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/02/2022 21:55

No idea. Copied and pasted from what appeared to be your post: it had your name above it.

If that wasn’t you, my apologies.

LadyPropane · 19/02/2022 23:04

I do seriously question the motives and reasons behind people moving 100s and 100s of miles away.... they sure are running away from something. Or someone!

In a lot of cases they are moving to a wealthier country. Or they get offered a good job. Or they meet someone from overseas and end up marrying them and moving to their partner's home country.

There are honestly so many reasons why people move. It's really weird that you would assume they are "running away from something". Life isn't a Hollywood film. Most people are just going about their business.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 19/02/2022 23:55

*If in turn they decide they want to move to Australia, we shall rejoice in their happiness and visit, often.

WOW. How wonderful for you that you have the money and time to visit Australia - and so often too. Most people are not so fortunate and will very likely never see their family member again if they move to Australia.*

Yes, I always find comments like this so unempathic. You'd have to be living under a stone not to realise that most people can't afford to visit Australia. My sister moved there 5 years ago and we've never visited. We don't have the money. So if you can visit 'often' then you're wealthy and bully for you. A bit of compassion towards people with more average incomes would not go amiss though. The question is, how would it be different if you could NOT visit?

Dillydollydingdong · 20/02/2022 00:56

Beware, people. I see the press have picked this one up!

Original poster

mag2305 · 20/02/2022 01:02

@eternalopt

YANBU to be upset with the change of dynamic. My SIL lives a 3 hours drive away and my in laws' relationship with her children is very different to the relationship with my children. They love all their grandchildren endlessly and equally, but the difference is that as they see my children so much more and, perhaps more importantly, on their own too. The grandchildren 3 hours away are almost always with their parents when they see the grandfolk as they come/are visited for a weekend and it's more of an event. Not necessarily worse, but a different relationship for sure. Less casual perhaps? Hard to describe.

@eternalopt this seems to be a really fair comment. It will just be different. A different experience for everyone.

I think dh and I are coming round to the idea now, the whole thing was a bit of a shock the other day. My FIL is coming round tomorrow to talk it through which is good. My MIL hasn't said one word though - nothing, no contact. I sent her a really lovely message as well and nothing back. So I don't know what's going on there. She has a bit of an odd relationship with dh and has never been particularly maternal. I get on fine with her normally but she can be a difficult lady to understand and isn't the emotional sort. I just can't imagine my mum giving me the silent treatment especially over something like this. Bit strange.

OP posts:

Wednesday88 · 20/02/2022 06:42

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ballroompink · 20/02/2022 07:08

Sorry but although I think YANBU to feel sad they are moving, YABU to think they are 'abandoning you'. My parents and their friends are all reaching retirement age of late and my parents are finding many friends are selling up and moving to a better location for the 'good life'. People are entitled to do this! My in-laws decided to move three hours away when they were in their 50s also. In their case it was to be near very elderly grandparents (who have now passed away) but also because it was a picturesque location with loads to do and where they wanted to spend their retirement. We see them several times a year, including for holidays in the summer, and they are hands on and devoted grandparents. Yes they're not down the road, but it's their life and they're happy.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 20/02/2022 08:05

@MrsSkylerWhite

No idea. Copied and pasted from what appeared to be your post: it had your name above it.

If that wasn’t you, my apologies.

It wasn't me

It was a quote from another poster that I copied and responded to.

Original poster

mag2305 · 20/02/2022 08:39

It would be interesting to hear from grandparents on the other side of things. A lot of comments on here seem to reflect a feeling of 'job done, we're off' when children have flown the nest. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm not saying that's wrong and maybe my dh and I will be in that position one day, who knows. However it would be interesting to hear from any grandparents who love being involved with grandchildren a lot and not from a distance? A few of my mums friends are so desperate to be grandparents and can't wait to get involved (admittedly too much of that can also be annoying).

OP posts:

cheekyasfish · 20/02/2022 08:39

Oh id love that 😂

Grasping · 20/02/2022 09:08

@mag2305

It would be interesting to hear from grandparents on the other side of things. A lot of comments on here seem to reflect a feeling of 'job done, we're off' when children have flown the nest. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm not saying that's wrong and maybe my dh and I will be in that position one day, who knows. However it would be interesting to hear from any grandparents who love being involved with grandchildren a lot and not from a distance? A few of my mums friends are so desperate to be grandparents and can't wait to get involved (admittedly too much of that can also be annoying).

I’m involved with mine and not from a distance. However, as I said upthread, I’m my priority now, closely followed by DH. We’re happy where we live but if we’d had a dream for our retirement I would follow it.

Looking at it from your in-laws perspective, they could give up their plan to stay near you with no guarantee that you will do the same in the future. You could move away when they’re too old to move and start somewhere new, having given up their dream for you.
In many ways it’s given you more freedom.

joliefolle · 20/02/2022 09:09

Maybe MIL is waiting for an apology from her son who kicked off and said things he shouldn’t have done

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 20/02/2022 09:35

My MIL hasn't said one word though - nothing, no contact. I sent her a really lovely message as well and nothing back. So I don't know what's going on there. She has a bit of an odd relationship with dh and has never been particularly maternal. I get on fine with her normally but she can be a difficult lady to understand and isn't the emotional sort. I just can't imagine my mum giving me the silent treatment especially over something like this. Bit strange.

Maybe she wants her son to apologise for what he said.

newbiename · 20/02/2022 09:40

@Wednesday88

You need to mature & step up, Kids are not a a reason to inflate your backside, my generation have given up our dreams to give our children a better life, so suck it up buttercup, word to the wises sadly the next generation has been earmarked as gen-dysfunctional because of their parents I now have not much time left thank goodness, 30 years ago was given the following advice,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Religion is a cop out however BUT BE WARY OF THE YELLOW MAN (covid) Why i waste my time interviewing adults in their 20's Uni Grads apparently ?? sadly when they realise that you peak in 27 -39 years sustainability becomes of your lifestyle, SO LADIES LISTEN UP #

life expectancy in UK is 85-90 for women I sadly probably wont see 4 years so won't see 59, I worked since age 15 & never pounced of benefits, However my time will soon be up, I have arranged & paid for my funeral, I am old school & very private & I wont be a burden ,

I have a business I wanted to gift to Sadly I have been
Disappointed ...........All applicants have been comparable 12 year
I now only interview over 48+ and will gift my business to whom I connect with
I will consider hardworking strong women

=

What ??

girlmom21 · 20/02/2022 09:45

@Wednesday88

You need to mature & step up, Kids are not a a reason to inflate your backside, my generation have given up our dreams to give our children a better life, so suck it up buttercup, word to the wises sadly the next generation has been earmarked as gen-dysfunctional because of their parents I now have not much time left thank goodness, 30 years ago was given the following advice,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Religion is a cop out however BUT BE WARY OF THE YELLOW MAN (covid) Why i waste my time interviewing adults in their 20's Uni Grads apparently ?? sadly when they realise that you peak in 27 -39 years sustainability becomes of your lifestyle, SO LADIES LISTEN UP #

life expectancy in UK is 85-90 for women I sadly probably wont see 4 years so won't see 59, I worked since age 15 & never pounced of benefits, However my time will soon be up, I have arranged & paid for my funeral, I am old school & very private & I wont be a burden ,

I have a business I wanted to gift to Sadly I have been
Disappointed ...........All applicants have been comparable 12 year
I now only interview over 48+ and will gift my business to whom I connect with
I will consider hardworking strong women

=

Your attitude is comparable to a 12 year olds. HTH.

lugeforlife · 20/02/2022 09:48

If it helps we lived away from my parents when my kids were small but moved 30 mins away when they were 3/4. Saw them all the time - at least weekly. My kids are now early teens and whilst they adore their grandma, they want to spend time with their mates on weekends, not going round NT places with her. We were exactly the same with our grandparents at the same age. I spend a lot of time trying to get my mum to get this.

My PIL moved away before my kids were born and when my bils kids were very small. There was a degree of feeling how you feel but pil were always very clear this was their plan. We visited.

georama · 20/02/2022 09:50

@Wednesday88

You need to mature & step up, Kids are not a a reason to inflate your backside, my generation have given up our dreams to give our children a better life, so suck it up buttercup, word to the wises sadly the next generation has been earmarked as gen-dysfunctional because of their parents I now have not much time left thank goodness, 30 years ago was given the following advice,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Religion is a cop out however BUT BE WARY OF THE YELLOW MAN (covid) Why i waste my time interviewing adults in their 20's Uni Grads apparently ?? sadly when they realise that you peak in 27 -39 years sustainability becomes of your lifestyle, SO LADIES LISTEN UP #

life expectancy in UK is 85-90 for women I sadly probably wont see 4 years so won't see 59, I worked since age 15 & never pounced of benefits, However my time will soon be up, I have arranged & paid for my funeral, I am old school & very private & I wont be a burden ,

I have a business I wanted to gift to Sadly I have been
Disappointed ...........All applicants have been comparable 12 year
I now only interview over 48+ and will gift my business to whom I connect with
I will consider hardworking strong women

=

Are you high?

Original poster

mag2305 · 20/02/2022 09:51

I'm not so sure regarding MIL. She is highly touchy sometimes. After my son had been at theirs once, we noticed that the milk in his bottle from theirs smelt off. My DH rang to ask them to just check the milk in their fridge, my MIL went off on one and slammed the phone down!

My DH didn't say anything nasty regarding the move, he just didn't agree. Having said that, my DH is more likely to make the first move with his mum as I can't see her doing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

mag2305 · 20/02/2022 09:56

@lugeforlife

If it helps we lived away from my parents when my kids were small but moved 30 mins away when they were 3/4. Saw them all the time - at least weekly. My kids are now early teens and whilst they adore their grandma, they want to spend time with their mates on weekends, not going round NT places with her. We were exactly the same with our grandparents at the same age. I spend a lot of time trying to get my mum to get this.

My PIL moved away before my kids were born and when my bils kids were very small. There was a degree of feeling how you feel but pil were always very clear this was their plan. We visited.

@lugeforlife I think this is a good point actually about making intentions clear. My PILs didn't really do this. In fact, my MIL retired 2 years ago exactly and her main reason (so she often told us) was to spend lots of time with our ds. Obviously they've had a change of heart and want other things in life. I guess I just wish they'd maybe given us a bit more of an idea on this beforehand. It has been quite sudden.

OP posts: