Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

YABU. My DP and I live together, 3-4 hours away from his parents and where he grew up. He moved aged 20. You and your DH chose to have dc. His parents didn’t force you to have dc and they are not obliged to put their lives on hold to raise your dc.

Why would you think they are trying to get away from you, have you been relying on them a lot?

For goodness sake, they're only going to be 3 hours away. I thought you were going to say that they're moving to the other side of the world.

I'm sure you'll still see plenty of them.

Do you mean that if they choose to move 3 hours away they shouldn't hope for help in their old age if they need it? Mean!

Of course not! But the reality is that the OP and her husband will not be able to visit as often if they are far away. They will not be as "on-hand." If the area is car-dependent with little public transportation. the older couple could be in a bit of a fix if they develop health issues that make driving impossible.

@ camperqueen54
How fun... have a great time...and don't forget to write...ha...
Having your own life is fabulous.

Your family are close, geographically and emotionally. Your DH’s aren’t. Your language suggests that you think that your set up is better, preferable, morally superior even. “Priority” suggests a moral choice.

You couldn’t be more judgemental or close-minded!

Here’s something: I find families that prioritise living in each other’s pockets suffocating, ridden with anxieties and/or insecurities, insular. I think it’s a weakness, as though family is like kryptonite (or the opposite - was it meant to repel Superman?! Totally forgotten). Basically as though your life force, or meaning, comes from the succour and approbation and support of the family echo chamber, as though you can’t stray too far lest you fall apart.

Your way isn’t better or worse, in reality. It’s just different. Your in laws are making a perfectly reasonable, sensible, morally neutral, choice. It’s not selfish. Certainly not as selfish as wanting them to stay when they don’t want to 🤷‍♀️

"They wouldn't move away because family is priority"

There are trains and roads and planes and Skype or zoom and phones. - I am not sure living round the corner ( I paraphrase wildly there ) from parents / siblings / children is the absolute definition of family is priority.

Family is my priority however we don’t live close to each other because DS1 is in the army so lives where he’s told, and DS2 went to university, met DDIL and never came back.

Me and DH are in our fifties and are just about to move for DH’s work. It’s nearer to DS1 but further from DS2. I was dreading telling DS2, because we are very close, but I shouldn’t have worried because he said “do what’s right for you, mum.” He’s excited for us. He’s looking forward to coming to spend time with us in a new area and we will always go back to see him.

My children didn’t grow up with their grandparents on the doorstep, either, because DH was in the RAF. If you want to make these situations work they will. My parents were shitty grandparents, but they would’ve been if we’d lived next door, MIL however was brilliant.

You’re being a bit daft imo. They’re only going 3 hrs away, not to the other side of the world.

@TheFairyCaravan

I suppose this is just total contrast to my own family. I'm an only child and I'm incredibly close to my parents. They wouldn't move away because family is priority. Not through duty for anything but because we are close and like being nearby each other. I'm very lucky that my dh values family as much as we do.

This script is odd. Be very careful about this with your children. It's possible to love and be close emotionally to your family and not be close physically. Don't be that parent who raises a child who can't travel or go away to uni or move abroad if they want.

I can understand how you feel op.

It doesn't matter that they are of course allowed to do it, that they may have been working towards this dream for a long time, it is still upsetting for you and of course you are allowed to be upset and disappointed.

You will miss them living nearby, your dh will miss being able to pop in to see his parents and grandma, your children are unlikely to build the sort of relationship with them that you had hoped for and, from a practical point of view, one source of babysitting support, even if only in an emergency, is disappearing.

And it is hurtful. I cannot imagine moving further away from children and grandchildren. They are tacitly saying that they are happy to see less of you, and kept it a secret for a long time.

However, there is nothing you can do. Just like when your children move away, you have to pretend to be thrilled and look forward to visits.

Yabu

They have their own lives that don’t revolve around you

How much “help” do they give you with your DC? Might seem like just a bit to you but not to them. Maybe this is one of the reasons they’re moving and also part of the reason you’re so upset? It can be hard for grandparents to admit they can’t or just don’t want to be as involved in the day to day raising of grandkids.

YABU

Older is is no longer pipe , slippers and grandchildren . It's the first time in decades from raising a family that they can make choices for themselves and live the rest of their lives how they wish . Older people now are getting stuck into travel , learning , hobbies , etc etc not waiting for the grim reaper it's the best part of life and are maxing it out .
Yes moving away is sad but you have your own family and 3hrs is not the end of the earth away . Once the surprise/shock is over you'll all be fine .

Three hours? My mum lives 5000 miles from me.

They wouldn't move away because family is priority.

You can move away and family still be a priority. Your family can move away from you and they can still be a priority. Priority doesn’t come with proximity, it comes with action. I moved away from my family when I was 21 and DH’s parents moved away when he was 20 and still at uni. Both DH and I have to drop work and personal things where we live to visit my family and DHs parents during health emergencies. Distance does make health emergencies more stressful but I don’t think the vast majority of people should base decisions on potential health emergencies and instead live their life as they wish.

My grandparents were always local and I grew up seeing lots of them. That's just my own experience that was a good one so I suppose I want similar for my children.

I grew up locally to my grandparents and would see both sets every week. I saw one set of grandparents daily. My DD isn’t going to get that but it doesn’t mean her childhood will be bad. I guess because we’ve been apart from our parents for so long, we know how to keep connected and DD will know no different. Local doesn’t mean quality time. When you visit, you will do things together rather than just stay at home. When you call you’ll dedicate time to actually listen to them. We speak to our parents weekly. DD is a baby but we’ve done virtual games with the in-laws and they are already talking about children’s games they might be able to play virtually with her.

Grow up!

@givethatbabyaname

Your family are close, geographically and emotionally. Your DH’s aren’t. Your language suggests that you think that your set up is better, preferable, morally superior even. “Priority” suggests a moral choice.

You couldn’t be more judgemental or close-minded!

Here’s something: I find families that prioritise living in each other’s pockets suffocating, ridden with anxieties and/or insecurities, insular. I think it’s a weakness, as though family is like kryptonite (or the opposite - was it meant to repel Superman?! Totally forgotten). Basically as though your life force, or meaning, comes from the succour and approbation and support of the family echo chamber, as though you can’t stray too far lest you fall apart.

Your way isn’t better or worse, in reality. It’s just different. Your in laws are making a perfectly reasonable, sensible, morally neutral, choice. It’s not selfish. Certainly not as selfish as wanting them to stay when they don’t want to 🤷‍♀️

My sentiments exactly.

@blackdumpling

I live 3 hour drive from my family It's really not that far away if you put time into perspective Many people will sit on their arse watching TV in the evening for 3 hours It's just sitting in a car for the same amount of time 3 hours is just a 2 CDs away Listen to some music, make the trip fun Make the trips there a holiday to look forward to You can easily go and visit them whenever you choose You are choosing to be self centred & see this as all about you They just want to enjoy their retirement They already are the carers of a frail old woman They should not be expected to be providing you with more help when they are already carers This attitude is selfish & highly unreasonable You are not being "abandoned", you are being "dramatic" If this is your reaction it seems clear why they haven't told you till now Let these people enjoy their twilight years Who wouldn't want to go live at their holiday house if they could?

This....

3hrs is really nada.

If you worked regular hiurs... Yiud leave from work and be there by dark/or before TV watershed.

I reguarly do this distance once/twice monthly for weekend.

My parents moved six hours away when they retired. I now live back near to them due to a break-up but that was never the intention and it was perfectly fine to have them so far away.

But I was raised with all my family on the other side of the world (Australia) so things like that were just normal to me. I've never had a relationship with any of my grandparents where we've seen each other as often as people seem to see theirs on MN.

Every two to three years was normal

I suppose this is just total contrast to my own family. I'm an only child and I'm incredibly close to my parents. They wouldn't move away because family is priority. Not through duty for anything but because we are close and like being nearby each other. I'm very lucky that my dh values family as much as we

Christ, I missed this.

Sorry, but I would find that attitude incredibly suffocating. What's going to happen when your kids grow up and want to go to university several hours from home? What will you do when they inevitably meet a partner there and don't come back?

Tell them they don't prioritise or value their families?

As others have said; sometimes older people just want to be able to enjoy their lives. I'm older, and I've spent all of my adult life caring for others. I understand that older people embrace the chance to live where they want, get up/go to bed when they want, do whatever takes their fancy during the day. When do you suggest they do that? Because at some point they possibly won't be able to? Ill health will strike, and they might well be housebound. I know nothing about what their lives were like when younger, but that might have a lot to do with why they have made that decision to move.

@MrsTerryPratchett - I agree with you - my family & DH's are emotionally close albeit not physically & there are ways of keeping in touch frequently and regular visits.

I understand OP. My parents moved 1.5 hours away about a year ago. My mum had been really hands on (her choice) with childcare so it's been a bit of a shock to the system for me and my kids- my youngest is 4 and misses her Nanny terribly if we don't see her for a couple of weeks as she used to see her nearly every day.

But, I understand why they did it and their quality of life is so much better I can't begrudge it. The only problem I have now is that my parents expect us to visit at least once a fortnight which we're having to manage expectations on because fuel is expensive and it's a massive chunk of time every other weekend- not just pooping in for a quick cup of tea and a chat!

In short, YANBU for feeling abandoned but it won't be as bad as you think!

I live 300 miles away from my adult children. I see them about every 6 weeks which is great. All of us are busy people...as it should be.
I really wouldn't like living in each others pockets.
I never went " home" after university, and I don't expect my children to look after me ..its not their responsibility.
I'm in my 60s and thoroughly enjoying life.... I certainly don't want to spend my time providing childcare