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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:
phishy · 18/02/2022 07:40

I voted YANBU because I suspect they will be guilt tripping you into visiting and staying in a nearby b&b (at your expense) when they get bored.

Given they did all this in secret from you but not the sister, uncle etc , I would not be inclined to visit them regularly.

cptartapp · 18/02/2022 07:41

No. Their own lives come first. Not family. Do you live your life putting the preferences of others before your own?
Don't be ridiculous.

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 07:41

I've actually sent my inlaws a really lovely, supportive message this morning. My dh got upset and angry yesterday and probably said some things he shouldn't. I don't want there to be bad feelings between us, it's not worth that. So although we're really sad, like so many of you have said, it's their lives and we are still family.

OP posts:
elbea · 18/02/2022 07:43

YABU. Three hours isn’t that far. My parents live five hours away are involved in my children’s lives, we go to visit them and they come to visit us. They pop down when my husband is working abroad for months on end it I need help.

My in laws struggle a little more to be involved but are a thirteen hour drive but still manage to visit a few times a year. Everyone just has to make the effort.

MerryMarigold · 18/02/2022 07:45

thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in

I know you're sad OP but I'm sure it was factored in. It just didn't outweigh the other factors regarding the quality of life they can have if they move. They've spent a long time living for their kids and now it's time to enjoy what time they have left.

dottydodah · 18/02/2022 07:46

Well its not like they are going abroad! 3 hours is a reasonable journey IMO. They are already looking after their Mother of 85. I think holidays/WE with them will be fine .

Iwonder08 · 18/02/2022 07:50

It is also entirely possible they are trying to get away from (potential?) childcare responsibilities and enjoy their own free time. You definitely overreacting

sharkyandme · 18/02/2022 07:51

Yanbu to feel abandoned but I guess they just want to live their own lives. My parents have discussed the same.

speakout · 18/02/2022 07:51

abandoning ?

A little dramatic.

Would you prefer them to stay even though that may be their second choice?
I am also thinking of the holidays. One of my children's grandparents lives 6 miles away and we see her twice a year. Pat on the head and a tenner.

CourtRand · 18/02/2022 07:51

It's ok to be upset. But remember your dreams and goals in life don't stop at 50... maybe this is the realisation of a life of planning for a quiet, countryside retirement

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 07:53

As a side issue to this, I should include that the grandmother's son (so mil's brother) doesn't live far at present so it will effect him too. And for him, he has an ex wife who is terminally ill so faces the prospect of being a single parent fairly soon. So he may need his family nearby.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 18/02/2022 07:53

I'm the granny who moved. We did make sure it's around 2 hours because I provide kidcare. We wanted to be debt free,near sea and countryside, downsized so we can actually afford to heat and eat. I did look after my late F,by doing this journey myself. Ironically now living a few miles away from where he used to.

CurbsideProphet · 18/02/2022 07:54

@mag2305 my initial thought from your update is who will visit grandma when your MIL/FIL go on their regular holidays?

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/02/2022 07:54

We haven't been to their holiday home yet. I'm sure it's lovely but it's not very big so that will no doubt cause a bit of tension with two little ones (my mil can be very particular).

You should get an airbnb, not expect to be squeezed in for free if you choose to visit. We plan to move when DC have flown the nest, I don’t particularly care what people’s expectations are for me to sit tight and be a free holiday pad/free carer/free babysitter etc (nice area, older relatives nearby and one DC already making noises about granny day care Hmm ). I have one life and I will live it in a way that makes me happy.

phishy · 18/02/2022 07:55

How old is MIL’s brother? Does he help care for his mum?

SarahProblem · 18/02/2022 07:55

YANBU to be upset. Particularly if they've known for a while it would have been better for them to tell you their plans.

YABU to think they have an obligation to stick close or you're owed support.

I'd suggest talking with them what this will mean re.practicalities and visiting. Who is the burden of doing the travelling to visit going to be on? What about Christmas (or whatever celebrations you observe). Good to talk expectations early.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/02/2022 07:55

At least you can’t be expected to care for them if they ever need it.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 07:57

@mag2305

As a side issue to this, I should include that the grandmother's son (so mil's brother) doesn't live far at present so it will effect him too. And for him, he has an ex wife who is terminally ill so faces the prospect of being a single parent fairly soon. So he may need his family nearby.
He will have his family nearby. He's got you and your DH.
SockFluffInTheBath · 18/02/2022 07:57

OP there seems to be a lot of expectation of responsibility piling up on your PILs. Maybe they’re tired of shouldering everything for everyone?

Benjispruce5 · 18/02/2022 07:57

They have presumably had a life goal and have been lucky enough to make it happen. They are a few hours away, you can still visit, as can they. They had their children. Good luck to them.

Spudyoulikeit · 18/02/2022 07:58

I know a couple who moved away from their adult children to live in a holiday destination. Similar sort of distance. Both adult children were really angry with them and they fell out. Anyway a year or two after they moved one of the couple died and it was a bit of a mess as no one talking still and half of the couple left alone.

YANBU to be disappointed but don’t let it spoil your relationship. Yes your relationship and their relationship with your DC will be different but it can still be good.

I would be really sad if my parents moved away so I understand how you feel.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 18/02/2022 07:58

But those people who have said that living closeby to family is a bad thing, isn't really fair. How can it be bad to want to be near your family at any stage of life? It's just personal choice.

Being too close to family all your life can be restrictive and can stop people going out and living their dreams because they feel a strong sense of duty to stay nearby.

But as you say, it's personal choice and they're perfectly entitled to make theirs.

Saharafordessert · 18/02/2022 07:59

Maybe they didn't want to tell you earlier because they knew how you’d react?
Maybe they don’t want to be involved with the childcare or expectation of it on a day to day basis?
Maybe they’d prefer you to spend quality time with them during the school holidays instead?
Maybe they’re just doing what’s best for them at the right time for them?

Chestofdraws · 18/02/2022 08:01

This is so very selfish op. Please try to think of them and not make it about you.

NiceTwin · 18/02/2022 08:01

A couple of friends are doing this, their dd has just had their 3rd grandchild. The dd is apoplectic with rage about it. I think she has an absolute cheek, she wanted 3 children, she should look after them.
My friends are in their 50's and 60's, young enough to enjoy their new surroundings and make new friends.
When our property gets too much for us (farm with land) we fully intend to move to the coast, with or without our children's approval.