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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:

WouldIwasShookspeared · 17/02/2022 19:07

Did she confess to lying or was there insufficient evidence to proceed with a prosecution.

I'd be wary tbh unless it is on record that she genuinely confessed to making it up. Not enough evidence does not mean innocent and I wouldn't take a chance when it comes to something like that.

Firesidefox · 17/02/2022 19:08

This would be a massive red flag for me, even if that is unfair.

I would proceed very very carefully.

Cakelover17 · 17/02/2022 19:09

Can you use Claire’s law to check there’s nothing else you need to no?

Foxden · 17/02/2022 19:10

Having seen the infographic thing about how many rapes are reported/taken forward/found not guilty along with the other infographic showing men are more likely to be raped themselves than to be falsely accused of rape and then also knowing what women who report rape go through, it’s often a certain set of circumstances that lead to the minuscule amount of false accusations rather than revenge/regret as many people believe, so I wouldn’t continue to see him. Even if it was a 0000000.1% chance he was a rapist rather than being falsely accused I wouldn’t want even that amount of risk of being with a rapist.

alcopoop · 17/02/2022 19:11

@Cakelover17

Can you use Claire’s law to check there’s nothing else you need to no?

Yeah if I was even slightly considering continuing to see him I'd do this. Honestly tho

alcopoop · 17/02/2022 19:12

Aaargh
I wouldn't carry on seeing him, I just can't see me taking the risk that it's true.

Charges not being brought is not proof he didn't do it.

Original poster

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:12

@WouldIwasShookspeared there was a text to her friend saying nothing sexual happened as they were in a park and he wasn’t keen on it.

@Cakelover17 I don’t think I can after a few dates. He has a job that requires enhanced dbs checks. I assume he has been checked.

OP posts:

Janesmom · 17/02/2022 19:13

@Foxden I don’t understand how anyone could purport to provide an accurate figure of the percentage of men wrongly accused of rape.

The problem is because many cases are one word against the other, no one can honestly know who is lying?!

Rainbowqueeen · 17/02/2022 19:13

It would be too much of a risk for me to confine seeing him. I find it odd that he came prepared to a third date to tell you all this. Is he worried about what you would find on a google search so wants to tell his side first?

I’d put my own personal safety first abs move on

WouldIwasShookspeared · 17/02/2022 19:14

[quote Musinglife11]@WouldIwasShookspeared there was a text to her friend saying nothing sexual happened as they were in a park and he wasn’t keen on it.

@Cakelover17 I don’t think I can after a few dates. He has a job that requires enhanced dbs checks. I assume he has been checked.[/quote]
How did you learn that?

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 17/02/2022 19:15

Oh wow, that is so hard. The natural instinct is to withdraw but assuming the police know their stuff and he’s telling the truth it is so unfair for him to be punished forever more for malicious claims. In his position I’d also feel like I had to be upfront about it before you googled him. Hand on heart I don’t know what I’d do, you can only go with your instincts I guess.

notthatonethisone · 17/02/2022 19:16

His names not Iain is it?

Honestly I'm torn. Innocent till proven guilty and all that. But I would put my safety first in this instance.

Someone's already mentioned Claire's law. Do you have any mutual friends?

CorrBlimeyGG · 17/02/2022 19:18

Do you mean no further action, or insufficient evidence?

You need to go with your gut, we don't know him, so any advice on here is based on next to no information. Take your time and know your own boundaries.

Blue4YOU · 17/02/2022 19:19

Did you post about this before OP?
I’m asking because I recall an almost identical issue raised fairly recently.
Either way - DBS checks aside and statistics etc.
It is rare for someone to accuse someone falsely of a sexual crime.
In part I expect it’s because the police would most likely pursue prosecution against a false claimant precisely because of the devastating effects.
But that’s speculation.
I can testify that I made a claim of sexual assault to the police (sexually assaulted by a consultant paediatrician),
The police investigated.
Took no further action because there was no “objective” (CCTV etc) evidence and because he denied it and because he’s in a same sex marriage.
That does not mean it didn’t happen,
My only advice is - be very, very careful.

Iseeyoulookingatme · 17/02/2022 19:20

Op I would run. I gave someone the benefit of the doubt about rape aligations and he raped me. He also denies raping me. I wouldn't even risk spending any time with this man. Put your safety ahead of hurting this man's feelings.

GlitterSquid · 17/02/2022 19:20

Hmmmmm I was VERY casually seeing a guy who told me he'd been 'falsely accused' by the police, of molesting a minor, family member.
I've never seen him since. I'd cross the street to avoid him.

He may well be innocent but I just can't get past that. 🚩

Genevie82 · 17/02/2022 19:20

It’s totally illogical that he would volunteer up this information about himself if he were a potential or past rapist OP… my reading of this is that he’s a man that’s had a serious allegation made against him (which would have been hellish ) and really likes you so he’s telling you his experience up infront rather than 6 months down the line when it would be a question of why didn’t you tell me sooner. Trust your instincts if you like him and it is indeed very possible that what he is telling you is true. Next step meet his friends xxx

Original poster

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:22

@CorrBlimeyGG no further action.

@notthatonethisone no it’s not

@HaveTeaWillSurvive I have googled him. Nothing came up except about him professionally.i gut says trust him, but my head is saying be uncomfortable

@Rainbowqueeen he wanted to be honest and told me early on. He has waited in the past and was accused of hiding stuff.

OP posts:

tothemoonandbackbuses · 17/02/2022 19:22

I think he’s told you now because he likes you and wants to keep seeing you and is aware that if you discovered it later and he hadn’t told you it would be a major problem By that time you both would be significantly invested in the relationship.
There isn’t really a good time to find out.
I don’t know what I would do in your position

Cakelover17 · 17/02/2022 19:24

@Musinglife11 I think Claire’s law can also disclose ‘intelligence’ aswell as convictions, so if that had happened before and the police considered him a risk they could potentially still tell you, even if the cases weren’t proceeded with.

Personally I’d just not see him again, even if he did absolutely nothing wrong, he must have been pretty horrible for someone to make such a damaging false accusation to the police. Why risk it? But if you are going to risk it regardless, better to do any research you can before you are too invested.

Lucinda7 · 17/02/2022 19:25

I was on the jury of a rape case where the man was falsely accused. The innocent verdict was unanimous. Unfortunately mud sticks. She did it out of spite and for financial reasons. To grab money while he would hopefully be in jail.

Really18 · 17/02/2022 19:26

A friend of mine put a photo of himself and a new girlfriend on Facebook. A week later the police arrested him on suspicion of rape and a series of serial assaults. It was totally untrue. How do I know? He was on holiday with me in ibiza. There is no possible way he could have been in the UK. Anyhow, he had 6 months off work because of the investigation. He has to declare the investigation when applying for jobs because they do a DBS. He very nearly had a breakdown because of it. She nearly ruined his life because she was jealous.

Luhou · 17/02/2022 19:28

I have a friend who was in a relationship and her ex told her the same about a false accusation, lack of evidence....

He went on to domestically abuse her, since it has gone to court it has come to light that he made the whole thing up and it was a control thing he made up so that she thought if she went to the police the same would happen, it would just get dismissed due to lack of evidence

Tequilabeliever · 17/02/2022 19:28

Six months is very quick for a rape investigation.

Also it’s the crown prosecution service that make a charging decision, not the Police. I would totally agree with your detective friend.

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Huge red flags.

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 19:29

I wouldn’t continue seeing him personally not worth the risk for me. Though I was reading the story of grace Millane and the guy had a history of raping women I just wouldn’t take the risk not worth it for a guy you’ve only met 3 times

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