Page 21 | What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

Musinglife11 · 2022-02-17T19:03:41+00:00

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him. He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown. Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge. I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more. How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

CanofCant · 20/02/2022 16:25

That is fucking awful and yet depressingly unsurprising.

namechangge · 20/02/2022 16:36

My DH was put in prison because of his ex, harassment and threats to life (he had a Stanley knife in his work van) , her uncle was high up in the police force.

She was ringing him telling him to meet up then would leave the second he got there. although she had cheated, moved out and took everything with her without giving him a reason why then would tell the police he was harassing her if he text her or rang if she was with her new partner.

All got found out when she lied in court said he was outside her work but he had sold his car the week before the day she said, and told them he was outside her house when he was already in prison because of her

She never got done for it and its still on his record 🤦🏻‍♀️

Rape is a lot different though harder to prove or not prove, but ex's can do some f*cked up stuff to men.

Snoozer11 · 20/02/2022 16:37

[quote cuno]@rambleonplease

Then why post on here?? Just walk away and we would never have this debate. But yet she has.

She's posted on here to ask for advice, precisely because of the neverending "be kind" bullshit trotted out throughout her life that has made her unsure. Instead, if we stopped with this nonsense and empowered women to make choices that prioritise themselves and their own safety, she wouldn't have felt the need to post on here in the first place and there would be no debate to be had. And yet here we are... because of this fucking misogyny. Hope that's cleared things up for you. [/quote]
It's really not that simple though, is it?

cuno · 20/02/2022 16:57

@Snoozer11

You must have missed the point of my comment. People here saying give him a chance, he sounds like a decent bloke, he's been honest with you etc, are contributing to the idea that women should be kind and the feelings of men should be prioritised over women's safety, and that misogynistic attitude in society is what has made the OP question herself and come to this forum for advice. Just to be faced with the same old misogyny. And yet a PP thinks her asking here means that we should be repeating that misogyny, rather than empowering her to walk away and because she owes this alleged rapist precisely nothing.

user1481840227 · 20/02/2022 17:01

@Dontbeme
One of the most shameful things to ever happen in Ireland. Breaks my heart every time I think about that poor girl and how she must have felt to see that.
The priest was an absolute scumbag for his comments and the poor girl had to suffer an intimidation campaign in her town also.

THERE WAS BLOODY CCTV WHICH SHOWED THAT HE CARRIED A SEMI-UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN BEHIND A SKIP AND BRUSIES AND INJURIES ALL OVER HER CONSISTENT WITH THAT SCUMBAG DRAGGING HER ALONG THE GROUND WHILE SHE WAS UNCONSCIOUS.

but people STILL stuck by him, because they wanted to!

It really makes you wonder, it was obvious he committed the crime...they couldn't have genuinely believed he didn't do it, so they must have just thought that what he did was ok and she shouldn't have made a fuss.

While in most cases people wouldn't be disgusting enough to go and shake the rapists hand in the court they will still do it in the local area and treat the victim like the guilty one! Absolutely shameful!

eeek88 · 20/02/2022 17:52

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

I would go on your next date or even the one after and when the time is right ask a little more . Express appreciation for the difficult situation he found himself in by trying to be honest with you. Tell him that you are going to make a quick investigation with the police using Claires law because obviously you are worried and see how he reacts.

For Some reason I believe him I think it's incredibly responsible to tell you at the beginning of a relationship so there are no secrets, he clearly likes you OP.

This, but in a public place. And meet his social circle and family asap, maybe a different ex. Certainly find out about the other exes - if they’re all allegedly psychos there’s your answer. Or don’t bother and find a different man.

BigFatLiar · 20/02/2022 18:15

Certainly find out about the other exes - if they’re all allegedly psychos there’s your answer.

Would this imply he has a thing about dating unhinged women? If he does go for that type what would that imply about OP.

cuno · 20/02/2022 18:35

@BigFatLiar

Certainly find out about the other exes - if they’re all allegedly psychos there’s your answer.

Would this imply he has a thing about dating unhinged women? If he does go for that type what would that imply about OP.

I took it to mean that he's clearly spinning a tale if all his exes are "crazy". Abusive men always say their exes were crazy, unhinged, psycho etc, I guess in case one of them reaches out to you or you catch wind of something he did to them, you already have it in your head they're crazy and making it all up. The point is none of them were crazy and neither is OP.

TracyMosby · 20/02/2022 19:03

@Dontbeme holy shit.

Thats 2013. Has there been any update on daniel foley?

sweetbellyhigh · 20/02/2022 19:15

@namechangge

My DH was put in prison because of his ex, harassment and threats to life (he had a Stanley knife in his work van) , her uncle was high up in the police force.

She was ringing him telling him to meet up then would leave the second he got there. although she had cheated, moved out and took everything with her without giving him a reason why then would tell the police he was harassing her if he text her or rang if she was with her new partner.

All got found out when she lied in court said he was outside her work but he had sold his car the week before the day she said, and told them he was outside her house when he was already in prison because of her

She never got done for it and its still on his record 🤦🏻‍♀️

Rape is a lot different though harder to prove or not prove, but ex's can do some f*cked up stuff to men.

Sorry but I'm not buying any of that. You've been a sucker to swallow that.

Original poster

Musinglife11 · 20/02/2022 19:38

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away. Suggested meeting friends for lunch next date.

I like to think I am a good judge of character and have walked away from dodgy stories from previous guys before.

He has shown me the emails and still has the texts the girl sent him on his phone.

OP posts:

OhWhyNot · 20/02/2022 19:40

I wouldn’t believe that either

It got to court and only then it came out that he had sold the car he was meant to have stalked her in ….

Right and why would it still be on his record if all found out to be untrue

ForTheHorde · 20/02/2022 19:43

@namechangge

My DH was put in prison because of his ex, harassment and threats to life (he had a Stanley knife in his work van) , her uncle was high up in the police force.

She was ringing him telling him to meet up then would leave the second he got there. although she had cheated, moved out and took everything with her without giving him a reason why then would tell the police he was harassing her if he text her or rang if she was with her new partner.

All got found out when she lied in court said he was outside her work but he had sold his car the week before the day she said, and told them he was outside her house when he was already in prison because of her

She never got done for it and its still on his record 🤦🏻‍♀️

Rape is a lot different though harder to prove or not prove, but ex's can do some f*cked up stuff to men.

Interesting that ‘all was found out’ but it’s still on his record and the police didn’t deem her malicious. How did he end up in prison the first place, because the actual charge clearly has nothing to do with that event. So sorry you are with an abusive man. I hope you are okay. 💐

OhWhyNot · 20/02/2022 19:46

The emails from who ?

MOJ ? CPS ?

Arabellla · 20/02/2022 19:55

@namechangge

My DH was put in prison because of his ex, harassment and threats to life (he had a Stanley knife in his work van) , her uncle was high up in the police force.

She was ringing him telling him to meet up then would leave the second he got there. although she had cheated, moved out and took everything with her without giving him a reason why then would tell the police he was harassing her if he text her or rang if she was with her new partner.

All got found out when she lied in court said he was outside her work but he had sold his car the week before the day she said, and told them he was outside her house when he was already in prison because of her

She never got done for it and its still on his record 🤦🏻‍♀️

Rape is a lot different though harder to prove or not prove, but ex's can do some f*cked up stuff to men.

That all sounds very…odd.

ForTheHorde · 20/02/2022 20:00

@Musinglife11

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away. Suggested meeting friends for lunch next date.

I like to think I am a good judge of character and have walked away from dodgy stories from previous guys before.

He has shown me the emails and still has the texts the girl sent him on his phone.

OP, kindly I don’t understand of this. What emails is he showing you? Was he bringing up again on the lunch date today?

And why does it need to be next date? Why was this date not enough for you to say no - I’m actually concerned and it’s still on my mind.

I’m really worried for you and where this might go.

user1481840227 · 20/02/2022 20:12

[quote TracyMosby]@Dontbeme holy shit.

Thats 2013. Has there been any update on daniel foley?[/quote]
I just found him on facebook easily.

Still lives in the same area and he's in a relationship

On the status where he announced the relationship there are dozens of replies saying great news, you deserve it, if anyone deserves it it's you, lucky girl and so on

Makes me feel physically sick!

BellatricksStrange · 20/02/2022 20:17

@Musinglife11

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away. Suggested meeting friends for lunch next date.

I like to think I am a good judge of character and have walked away from dodgy stories from previous guys before.

He has shown me the emails and still has the texts the girl sent him on his phone.

There's obviously a reason you're going out with him, so it would be quite foolish to throw it all away for nothing. Keep your guard up, and if you get the slightest whiff of anything untoward drop him, but otherwise, I would trust the CPS conclusion.

cuno · 20/02/2022 20:20

@Musinglife11

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away. Suggested meeting friends for lunch next date.

I like to think I am a good judge of character and have walked away from dodgy stories from previous guys before.

He has shown me the emails and still has the texts the girl sent him on his phone.

OP I still don't understand why you haven't walked away yet and you're mulling it over several dates. I find it concerning.

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 20/02/2022 20:21

The stories of wrongly accused men all come from people who are linked to the man. No one ever says they have a friend/family member who falsely accused someone.

ForTheHorde · 20/02/2022 20:34

There's obviously a reason you're going out with him, so it would be quite foolish to throw it all away for nothing. Keep your guard up, and if you get the slightest whiff of anything untoward drop him, but otherwise, I would trust the CPS conclusion.

Again - another reasoning I don’t get. ‘Keep your guard up’ but otherwise continue. Who fucking needs that in their lives? Walk away if you have any concerns - ANY.

It’s funny because I’ve spent the last two days reading and laughing at the penetration man classic again. Women dumping men because they had tassels on their shoes or said weird catchphrases. But here we are telling a woman to stick with it and give it a try because someone has accused him of rape before and it might have not happened. Not even just give it a go, but it would be foolish not to try.

If women could drop this ‘oh poor men’ shit and start putting themselves first - and telling other women to do it too, we might get a step closer to fairer, better world free of misogyny as a minor, and rape and murder of women.

Dontbeme · 20/02/2022 20:45

[quote TracyMosby]@Dontbeme holy shit.

Thats 2013. Has there been any update on daniel foley?[/quote]
As a pp his fiancée supported him through his court case and sentence. I think the woman in question had to move away from the area and start all over again. Local are still supportive of him, it's absolutely shameful.

This is a link to some cultural background on how these kind of community reactions come about.

anarchism.pageabode.com/blog/listowel-echos-of-the-dark-days-of-the-1980s-and-the-kerry-babies/

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/02/2022 20:47

People here saying give him a chance, he sounds like a decent bloke, he's been honest with you etc, are contributing to the idea that women should be kind and the feelings of men should be prioritised over women's safety, and that misogynistic attitude in society is what has made the OP question herself and come to this forum for advice. Just to be faced with the same old misogyny.

I'm one of the ones saying keep your wits about you but don't end it just yet. It has nothing to do with misogyny and sparing the feelings of the menz. It's because the OP on what she's seen so far really likes him, and so I'm saying don't walk away from what could be a good, perfectly safe relationship on the basis of statistics. Statistics are made up of individuals who don't all roll off exactly the same production line. Be wary, dig around if you can, but don't assume he's a liar any more than you assume he's telling the truth.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/02/2022 20:47

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away

That sounds sensible OP - nothing wrong with giving this a chance, but also nothing wrong with ending it if you're uncomfortable

What was your gut feeling about the emails/texts? Obviously don't say what was in them, but I just wondered about your general impression?

Dontbeme · 20/02/2022 20:53

Honestly I just don't get it, the early days of dating are usually putting your best self forward and his best self is telling you he was accused of raping someone. Where do you go from there?