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AIBU?

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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
Notwithittoday · 17/02/2022 19:51

Even if it isn’t true I cba with the level of drama. Plenty of other men

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2022 19:52

Six months is very quick for a rape investigation

Yes and no. OP mentioned there's a text which suggests it wasn't true, so if the police became aware of that early it could have been wrapped up sooner

Darbs76 · 17/02/2022 19:52

Well I might be going against the majority but he’s been upfront with you, and imagine how much of an impact it has on someone’s life when men are falsely accused. We know it can happen. He didn’t need to tell you, but probably wants to be honest with you and it’s surely better to know now than 6 months down the line. Can’t be easy for him having to tell anyone he dates what happened

BoodleBug51 · 17/02/2022 19:53

Thing is, you'll never actually know what happened. At best, you're getting one side of the story.

I wouldn't take the risk for someone I've had 3 dates with.

Wreath21 · 17/02/2022 19:53

@Genevie82

It’s totally illogical that he would volunteer up this information about himself if he were a potential or past rapist OP… my reading of this is that he’s a man that’s had a serious allegation made against him (which would have been hellish ) and really likes you so he’s telling you his experience up infront rather than 6 months down the line when it would be a question of why didn’t you tell me sooner. Trust your instincts if you like him and it is indeed very possible that what he is telling you is true. Next step meet his friends xxx
Not at all. Almost all abusive men have 'crazy' ex partners who 'lied about everything'. The police and courts often don't bother to prosecute rapists (not least because, as has been shown quite widely and frequently, a lot of police officers are either rapists themselves or think rape is just no big deal).

While it's possible that this man was falsely accused, it's rather more likely that he is a serial predator but only one of his victims tried to have him brought to justice.

The dating world is full of acceptable men - do you really want to bother with this one?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/02/2022 19:53

A man is more likely to be raped than be falsely accused of rape- run a mile!

saraclara · 17/02/2022 19:53

If he has an enhanced DBS, I'd give him a chance. I doubt he'd have got that if there'd been any inkling that he could have been guilty.

I might be biased because I knew someone who made a false rape accusation. She actually told us after the fact.

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2022 19:54

I agree if he was a sexual predictor why would he tell you this? Also you never can really trust any guy initially and should be cautious with anyone new you meet.

MissConductUS · 17/02/2022 19:55

Studies show that about 5% of rape accusations are demonstrably false. A much higher number are classed as unfounded or unproven.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_accusation_of_rape

Garysmum · 17/02/2022 19:59

I don't know what I would do in the circumstances - though I guess Claire's law would be a starting point.

It seems though once a man has been accused of rape, the majority of the female population would steer clear and believe him guilty even if he was declared innocent after a trial by jury. This does suggest to me that it's the perfect way of ruining a man's life and reputation.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 17/02/2022 20:00

As pp have said - telling her now means he can control the narrative and test her boundaries.

He has told you police investigated him and decided not to take it further. You have concluded this means he is innocent.

He has told you police investigated her for false allegation and decided not to take it further. You have concluded this means she is guilty.

Reality is - you will never know, unless he rapes you.

I have an ex who told me all about his crazy ex. He went on to abuse me. I would run a mile.

Mo1911 · 17/02/2022 20:01

He's got the paperwork etc if be fine with it.

There's a lot of nasty bonkers women out there.

NeverChange · 17/02/2022 20:01

"If he was a sexual predator why would he tell you".

Because a lot of people would ask that question to and believe there is nothing to worry about!!!

Lovemusic33 · 17/02/2022 20:03

I’m sorry but I would run for the hills.

I was raped by someone I dated for a year, I didn’t report it until he became violent, I also found out he was cheating. When I reported it he accused me of lying and wanting revenge for his cheating (this was not the case), it went on for months and during this time he was charged with harassment. Because there was no DNA evidence and was my word against his the charges of rape were dropped (lack of evidence). He raped me several times and sexually assaulted me several other times. There’s not a chance in hell I would have gone through the process of being interviewed if it wasn’t true, the whole process was awful.

When I started dating him he told me his ex was crazy and had reported him for assault several times, he swore he didn’t do anything and I believed him. Never again would I make that mistake.

Not worth the risk. Run.

247magni · 17/02/2022 20:05

I would take things slowly but continue seeing him. I have known women who would do this to someone.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 20:06

@TheHoptimist

Hmm I also know someone who falsely accused a man of rape

So not that uncommon

Yes. We all want to believe that no woman would do this. But most of the reactions on this thread show just how effective it is as a means for revenge. A totally innocent man can become absolutely untouchable and never, ever trusted again. The end of their job, and the end of any chance of ever having a relationship.

Of course there are women (hopefully a small minority) who are evil enough to do this to someone. It's way too effective for them to ignore.

Harlequin1088 · 17/02/2022 20:06

My partner’s ex-wife made up an allegation of rape as she thought having him locked up in prison would be less hassle than divorcing him. It all came unstuck when the police discovered she had made an almost word-for-word rape allegation against one of her male relatives not six months earlier in a bid to get him written out of a will so that she could inherit a large estate upon the death of another relative.

We have the letters from the police saying my partner wouldn’t be prosecuted.

The level of malice that woman showed in an effort to get what she wanted not once but twice was astounding.

Unfortunately, the police don’t tend to prosecute people for making false accusations as they don’t want to discourage genuine victims from coming forward which is fair enough I suppose but sad for my partner and the other bloke who nearly lost their liberty because of this woman.

Drunkpanda · 17/02/2022 20:07

@Mo1911

He's got the paperwork etc if be fine with it.

There's a lot of nasty bonkers women out there.

...and there are significantly more nasty rapist men.
TheHoleNineYards · 17/02/2022 20:08

I had a similar situation where a potential BF revealed an assault charge on one of our early dates. I went down the ‘oh well he’s told me. Isn’t it good that he’s honest’ route. Big mistake. Over the next few months there were various mentions of one ‘crazy ex’ who’d called the police for this spurious reason, and another ‘crazy ex’ who’d called them for another. I eventually realised that he was the common denominator and dumped him. Getting him out of my life completely was difficult. I wish I’d used Claire’s Law at the start and got the ‘official’ information rather than his version. That’s what I would recommend you do now.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/02/2022 20:08

Abusers have a knack of knowing how to make people feel comfortable around them. I wouldn’t take your feelings of comfort as proof of him being a good guy.

Unless he has incontrovertible evidence he’s innocent, it’s not worth the risk. Apart from anything else, it will be in your mind every time you look at him.

SickAndTiredAgain · 17/02/2022 20:12

@Arabellla

Even if he didn't do it, I would wonder what he did to make her accuse him of such a thing.

At three dates in, I would call it a day.

I think it is grossly unfair to suggest that the (tiny) number of men falsely accused did something to bring it upon themselves.

That said, because the number falsely accused is so tiny, I’d also call it a day as I think I’d always have the doubt in my mind.

Duntelchaig · 17/02/2022 20:12

This happened to my nephew. It destroyed his life. There was a load of “no smoke without fire” and horrible horrible things said about him. Thankfully she had texted her sister admitting she’d made it up for revenge because he broke up with her and her sister showed the police AND she had done the same thing at uni to a guy there. There are some women who do this. You know the guy. Trust your gut. What are his friends like? What was his previous relationship like?

Hollowtree3 · 17/02/2022 20:13

I’d feel sorry for him that his life and future relationships have been ruined by a malicious ex.. but I would also quickly walk away.

LowlandLucky · 17/02/2022 20:13

Difficult but only you know how you feel. Yes some women make false claims ( my DSD did) It is so easy to be spiteful and make the accusation knowing that mud will always stick, can you imagine being innocent and for the rest of your life people spurned you ? Listen to your gut.

Chickenpoxtwins · 17/02/2022 20:14

Statistically speaking, it's overwhelmingly more likely that he raped her than she lied about it. I would cut your losses.