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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/02/2022 21:07

The guy has been found guilty by MN on no evidence at all.

Most of us aren't saying he is definitely guilty. Even if it's 50/50 why would you take that chance after 3 dates? Confused

shouldistop · 17/02/2022 21:09

How do you know about the text? This would swing it for me.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:09

Women are supposed to give a man every chance in the world and then some, otherwise we are heartless bitches.

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 21:09

Thanks for all the replies. Mixed bag. I click with him and would like to see him again. But not too sure I can forget about what he told me. I might see him again and see how I feel.

If he has been falsely accused it’s terrible

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 17/02/2022 21:09

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

The guy has been found guilty by MN on no evidence at all.

Most of us aren't saying he is definitely guilty. Even if it's 50/50 why would you take that chance after 3 dates? Confused

Exactly this. Op has had 3 dates with this guy, she doesn’t know him, she doesn’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. After 3 dates is it worth the risk? There are plenty more men out there, why take a punt on a potential abuser?
Willyoujustbequiet · 17/02/2022 21:10

False allegations are tiny. A man is more likely to be raped himself than face a false allegation.

I used to work with victims and rapists get away with it every single day. One girl took her own life when her case was dropped for insufficient evidence.

Run.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:11

@Musinglife11

Thanks for all the replies. Mixed bag. I click with him and would like to see him again. But not too sure I can forget about what he told me. I might see him again and see how I feel.

If he has been falsely accused it’s terrible

If he's an abuser it's worse.

For you.

BurbageBrook · 17/02/2022 21:11

I think I’d give him a chance but proceed carefully. False accusations do happen.

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 21:12

@AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken

It's so unfair that men who do get falsely accused have it follow them round and ruin future relationships. Sadly accusations do get made up and if your guy says he's a nice guy, he told you about it himself and your police friend said it sounds it's likely he told the truth- you should keep going with the relationship if you're comfortable to.

I totally get it will make you wary but all of the people saying dump him it's a red flag are too quick to jump to a conclusion imo

For me it’s more why would I take the risk? There are plenty of men out there I wouldn’t risk one that’s been accused of rape, as I would always have doubts in my mind.
RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 21:13

And just to add to my comment surely all men accused of rape even the ones convicted are going to say it wasn’t true and she was lying, are any honestly going to admit it?

Maze76 · 17/02/2022 21:14

He’s been investigated and there was no case. I know of a woman who made a false accusation of Rape against an ex partner for revenge. It DOES HAPPEN!
He did not have to volunteer this information, you would have been none the wiser. I’d say give him the benefit of the doubt, you will automatically be more cautious now.
I think it must be awful to have a false accusation hanging over you.

expat101 · 17/02/2022 21:15

Proceed with caution. False allegations certainly do exist!

I give him points for telling you upfront though.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:17

@Maze76

He’s been investigated and there was no case. I know of a woman who made a false accusation of Rape against an ex partner for revenge. It DOES HAPPEN! He did not have to volunteer this information, you would have been none the wiser. I’d say give him the benefit of the doubt, you will automatically be more cautious now. I think it must be awful to have a false accusation hanging over you.
Its also an abusers tactic to get out in front of the truth getting out, with an obfuscation instead.

Why should any woman, at any time, for any reason, risk her safety for the benefit of a man?

Just - WHY?

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 17/02/2022 21:17

I'd take his word for it - for now. Just proceed with caution.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/02/2022 21:20

@Musinglife11

Thanks for all the replies. Mixed bag. I click with him and would like to see him again. But not too sure I can forget about what he told me. I might see him again and see how I feel.

If he has been falsely accused it’s terrible

My ex is abusive. I had to move miles away and live in a refuge due to his abuse.

He is able to turn on the charm and click with anyone he wants. Lots of abusive men are like this.

He told me about his evil ex and her accusations when I got with him and I felt so sorry for him. I found out a couple of years later he was lying.

The 'click' could be real, or it could all be an act. The problem is that you won't know for sure for probably 1-2 years. Many abusive men can mask it to reel you in for a long time before their true colours shine through.

If you are going to proceed do it with absolute caution. Maybe even do the online freedom course so you are able to recognise any early signs.

Even if he's lovely and genuine it won't do you any harm.

I honestly think you should run for the hills before you get real feelings though tbh, there are plenty of men out there without rape allegations against them.

TracyMosby · 17/02/2022 21:20

Its also an abusers tactic to get out in front of the truth getting out
This. This is a very common tactic. Telling you so soon means nothing

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:21

This is an early sign though. Disclosing at date 3 is an early sign. Red flag. Whatever. Its not a good thing.

cuno · 17/02/2022 21:21

People saying proceed with caution... gosh, life is too short for that! And proceed with caution how exactly? As women we are already constantly altering our behaviour and being cautious to keep ourselves safe. Why add this into the mix? Plenty of other nice men out there without the maybe-false-maybe-true rape accusation. Women really need to start
putting themselves first more!

Really18 · 17/02/2022 21:22

@everythingisgoingup

Why would you want to date someone who had been accused of rape, falsely or otherwise?

You choose

Personally I would walk away Sad

Someone can make an allegations and destroy a whole life. No smoke without fire. Why would a women even suggest this. He must be a terrible person ect. None of those things might be true. If he tells her early then he is trying to manipulate her, test her boundaries and why give him a chance you don't know him. If he waits then he has manipulated her and kept a secret. This guy can't win. He is fxxxxx.
ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:23

"Here's a bloke who very well may be an abusive rapist. But hey ho, points for him telling you first. Bring a rape whistle to date 4 maybe."

Ffs.

Just10moreminutesplease · 17/02/2022 21:24

I’m torn because I have known someone lie about rape and later admit it. But equally, so few rapes make it to court when the victim is telling the truth, a case being dropped doesn’t necessarily make someone innocent.

What does your gut tell you?

cuno · 17/02/2022 21:24

Also even if it's false (which you will never know), you:
a) Don't owe him shit
b) Are not responsible for his life being "ruined" by a false accusation. Even if he kills himself. It is not your fault and not your responsibility.

Catswhisky · 17/02/2022 21:25

I know of 2 men who were falsely accused ( proven false). One of them she was quite convincing talking about it ( I knew them both quite well, they weren’t dating). It really did tear both the mens lives apart despite being found not guilty.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:25

This guy can't win. He is fxxxxx.

...and?! Why should women sacrifice themselves, risk their safety, for his hurt feelings? Women are killed at a rate of nearly 3 women per week, by their partners or ex partners - I don't know the statistics for assault and rape, but I assume it is likely higher.

We should not be expected to put men's feelings over our safety. Ever.

QuinkWashable · 17/02/2022 21:27

One of the ways to get a read on someone is to tell them no to something.

someone can be sweetness and light as long as things are going well, but the moment they don't get something they want, reveal their true selves.

Is there something you can say no, I don't want to do that, and suggest something else? See how he deals?

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