What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

[Musinglife11]

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

@Feedingthebirds1

People here saying give him a chance, he sounds like a decent bloke, he's been honest with you etc, are contributing to the idea that women should be kind and the feelings of men should be prioritised over women's safety, and that misogynistic attitude in society is what has made the OP question herself and come to this forum for advice. Just to be faced with the same old misogyny.

I'm one of the ones saying keep your wits about you but don't end it just yet. It has nothing to do with misogyny and sparing the feelings of the menz. It's because the OP on what she's seen so far really likes him, and so I'm saying don't walk away from what could be a good, perfectly safe relationship on the basis of statistics. Statistics are made up of individuals who don't all roll off exactly the same production line. Be wary, dig around if you can, but don't assume he's a liar any more than you assume he's telling the truth.

I just despair... I really do. On the basis of statistics, it's far more likely he's a rapist than not. Do you think people don't generally find rapists perfectly charming normal people until they're a victim themselves, or do you think rapists are undateable weirdos that you couldn't possibly fancy them? The fact that OP likes him after 3 dates is so irrelevant. Would you honestly advise your daughters the same?

There will be other men l that you will enjoy being with and more importantly you are not thinking are they lying about being a rapist

Are you that lonely that you will give him a chance because well be seems nice

Many sex offenders and violent men seem nice to everyone else that’s how they are able to get away with it

Never ever believe that you can always just rely on your instincts

But why did he tell you at all? If he was innocent and there was no chance of you finding out - why would he even bring it up? I'm still so confused about why he's come to a third date armed with emails and text messages to show you. It's weird.

He must've felt that there was some chance you'd find out some other way (how? when?) or he is testing your boundaries big time.

@Musinglife11

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away. Suggested meeting friends for lunch next date.

I like to think I am a good judge of character and have walked away from dodgy stories from previous guys before.

He has shown me the emails and still has the texts the girl sent him on his phone.

It takes minutes to fake emails, it takes a burner phone to fake texts. Sim cards are free to £10. Really dont trust him.

I mean, it's hardly romantic is it?

Third date, still getting to know each other, candle lit dinner, drinks, butterflies and then... here, let me show you the emails and texts about my historic rape allegation.

Not exactly what every girl wants to hear over dessert. Talk about a passion killer.

And yet, you have many, many posters with bars so low that they think it's a sign that he's worth more of your time.

I could weep.

If a man I was on a third date with brought up the subject of rape in any context, I'd find it such a turn off.

This whole thread feels like an exercise in pushing women's boundaries.

Given the low to vanishing rate of rape cases going trial (because victims have to report, then be willing to put themselves through that and because the standard of evidence has to be very, very high before the CPS will decide the case is worth prosecuting. Often, as a 'between two people' act, with little physical evidence if not reported immediately, cases are just not taken forward), there are a LOT of real rapists roaming the streets, looking for sympathy, understanding and their next conquest. Most rapists, actually.

This thread feels like an exercise by their PR department in preparing gullible women to accept them.

@Feedingthebirds1

People here saying give him a chance, he sounds like a decent bloke, he's been honest with you etc, are contributing to the idea that women should be kind and the feelings of men should be prioritised over women's safety, and that misogynistic attitude in society is what has made the OP question herself and come to this forum for advice. Just to be faced with the same old misogyny.

I'm one of the ones saying keep your wits about you but don't end it just yet. It has nothing to do with misogyny and sparing the feelings of the menz. It's because the OP on what she's seen so far really likes him, and so I'm saying don't walk away from what could be a good, perfectly safe relationship on the basis of statistics. Statistics are made up of individuals who don't all roll off exactly the same production line. Be wary, dig around if you can, but don't assume he's a liar any more than you assume he's telling the truth.

You’re giving OP advice you would never take yourself.

@Musinglife11

Thanks again. I met up with him for lunch today. It’s on my mind still. If I still feel like this on next date, then I will walk away. Suggested meeting friends for lunch next date.

I like to think I am a good judge of character and have walked away from dodgy stories from previous guys before.

He has shown me the emails and still has the texts the girl sent him on his phone.

No one can correctly judge sociopaths or psychopaths. They can fool trained professionals. And a lot of rapists are incredibly charming and know how to mirror behaviour so you like/trust them.

This isn't some guy giving you vibes of 'I cheat' or 'I'm a cocklodger' or 'I'm a commitment phobe'.

This is a guy where you're having to consider whether he will rape you or not. Or worse. And sure, plenty of men out there are capable of it and you won't know. However, you do know this man has been investigated for 6 months, the woman wasn't charged for a false accusation and there's enough doubt in your mind that you will never know either way. What a risk to take on a complete stranger. How can you really start a relationship with this weighing on your head. I can tell you now, you will always feel a bit uneasy because the concrete proof you're after doesn't exist. And your gut has already told you to be wary.

Is this really how you imagined a promising new romance to start? Having to decipher emails and messages and determine the probability of truth or not. How can you like a man so much after 3 dates that you're willing to put your life at risk, baffled.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/liam-allan-met-police-rape-accusation-false-evidence-disclosure-arrest-mistake-detectives-a8184916.html

Also - just so you can see what happens if someone genuinely is falsely accused, because there were messages from the women proving his innocence. Unless your man has an apology or acknowledgment from the police in a manner where it can't be forged, you can't assume it was a false allegation. It just means there wasn't enough evidence either way.

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

The stories of wrongly accused men all come from people who are linked to the man. No one ever says they have a friend/family member who falsely accused someone.

There were some posters up thread who said that they knew a woman who had done it.

@floss1

I would trust your instincts and give him credit for telling you at an early stage; can’t have been easy. Take care and good luck.

I do hope you have good passwords and security on your accounts because you sound a bit gullible.

Some people are very good at lying. Some people are very persuasive. Not all people, fortunately, but sometimes you only find out who to trust and who not to trust when it is too late.

Friend of mine dated a bloke with a 'crazy ex'. Oh, the ex told such lies. Friend even stood in court holding new boyfriend's hand while he lost custody due to ex's 'lies' about his violence, control, harassment, criminal damage, attempted kidnap and more. All lies, of course. The man lost custody. What a wily woman that ex was.

You see where it's going. Friend began to see the man's true colours. Friend broke up with him. Friend now stands in court herself, trying to protect her children, her home, her car and her relatives from this man's harassment and violence.

He was heading you off at the pass. Can't you do some kind of Claire's Law check? Find out for yourself. But he doesn't sound at all trustworthy.

@ForTheHorde

There's obviously a reason you're going out with him, so it would be quite foolish to throw it all away for nothing. Keep your guard up, and if you get the slightest whiff of anything untoward drop him, but otherwise, I would trust the CPS conclusion.

Again - another reasoning I don’t get. ‘Keep your guard up’ but otherwise continue. Who fucking needs that in their lives? Walk away if you have any concerns - ANY.

It’s funny because I’ve spent the last two days reading and laughing at the penetration man classic again. Women dumping men because they had tassels on their shoes or said weird catchphrases. But here we are telling a woman to stick with it and give it a try because someone has accused him of rape before and it might have not happened. Not even just give it a go, but it would be foolish not to try.

If women could drop this ‘oh poor men’ shit and start putting themselves first - and telling other women to do it too, we might get a step closer to fairer, better world free of misogyny as a minor, and rape and murder of women.

Because the OP is obviously not asking for permission to drop him. She knows quite well she could do that, and what she's really asking is if she has to drop. Something she would do quite reluctantly, as she likes him.

@ChameFangeNail

But why did he tell you at all? If he was innocent and there was no chance of you finding out - why would he even bring it up? I'm still so confused about why he's come to a third date armed with emails and text messages to show you. It's weird.

He must've felt that there was some chance you'd find out some other way (how? when?) or he is testing your boundaries big time.

Soembody may have already said it but 'if' an ex is vindictive enough to try and ruin someones life with a rape accusation or better still a conviction then he may well feel that she will try to intervene and damage his future relationships. Might that be the reason for his transparency or is it just 'burn the witch' across the board here?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10535833/Woman-asks-continue-date-man-accused-rape.html

Soembody may have already said it but 'if' an ex is vindictive enough to try and ruin someones life with a rape accusation or better still a conviction then he may well feel that she will try to intervene and damage his future relationships. Might that be the reason for his transparency or is it just 'burn the witch' across the board here

Surely its wizard?
And still after 3 or 4 dates you want OP to maybe not have a rapist boyfriend, but instead have his so completely nuts ex who is mad enough to make up rape allegations therefore what will she come up with for new girlfriend/OP.

Not sure how either scenario is a win?

@Terfydactyl

Soembody may have already said it but 'if' an ex is vindictive enough to try and ruin someones life with a rape accusation or better still a conviction then he may well feel that she will try to intervene and damage his future relationships. Might that be the reason for his transparency or is it just 'burn the witch' across the board here

Surely its wizard?
And still after 3 or 4 dates you want OP to maybe not have a rapist boyfriend, but instead have his so completely nuts ex who is mad enough to make up rape allegations therefore what will she come up with for new girlfriend/OP.

Not sure how either scenario is a win?

I’d say either scenario is a run for the hills proposition. Either he’s a rapist or he has a crazy, vindictive ex with an axe to grind. Both options are not an appealing prospect for anyone considering a relationship with him.

Couldn't agree more - vindictive ex versus rapist.

No to both.

But that wasn't the question posed.

[quote BobbingWilson]www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10535833/Woman-asks-continue-date-man-accused-rape.html[/quote]
Urgh. Top voted comments are depressing. All in support of the man of course.

Bit like this thread then!

As a women who is in a 3 year relationship with a man who was also investigated for rape i can honestly say he is the most respectful, caring and kindest man i have ever been with.

My DP like yours, was accussed, investigated and charges dropped within 6 weeks (record time!!) with absolutely no evidence. His life was turned upside down and he admitted to feeling suicidal, all due to a false claim.

My sister is a PC who specialises in investigating womens crimes (rape, DM etc) and openly says herself around 80% of the rape cases she investigates ends up in the women admitting she lied because of X/Y/Z (usually due to cheating on partner and not wanting to admit it)
Horrid to think people are capable of this, and does nothing but make it even mroe difficult for the poor women who actually have had to go throught the tradegy.

I knew my DP before this happened, and was aware of his character before. But i guess my point to posting is - sometimes unfortunately people do get accussed of things they havent done. He could of kept it a secret, but he didnt. I would have found that mreo troubling then finding out myself a year down the line.

Only you can decide OP, and you are the only one who knows this man

@ByHook0rByCrook

I had a feeling what this thread would be about before I opened it- quelle surprise.

This is a classic softening up manoeuvre of abusers. Disclosing information of their past misdeeds (usually only partly honest) serves two purposes.

1. He can test your boundaries and see what you're willing to put up with (if you didn't care about this, so what else will you accept, etc)

1. Plausible deniability and the excuse of "I told you, what's you're problem? I'm honest, me"

Just don't bother. 3 dates in? Cut your losses. There are better humans out there.

Could also be accurate though. In which case, poor bloke would be single forever.

@wonderwoman26

As a women who is in a 3 year relationship with a man who was also investigated for rape i can honestly say he is the most respectful, caring and kindest man i have ever been with.

My DP like yours, was accussed, investigated and charges dropped within 6 weeks (record time!!) with absolutely no evidence. His life was turned upside down and he admitted to feeling suicidal, all due to a false claim.

My sister is a PC who specialises in investigating womens crimes (rape, DM etc) and openly says herself around 80% of the rape cases she investigates ends up in the women admitting she lied because of X/Y/Z (usually due to cheating on partner and not wanting to admit it)
Horrid to think people are capable of this, and does nothing but make it even mroe difficult for the poor women who actually have had to go throught the tradegy.

I knew my DP before this happened, and was aware of his character before. But i guess my point to posting is - sometimes unfortunately people do get accussed of things they havent done. He could of kept it a secret, but he didnt. I would have found that mreo troubling then finding out myself a year down the line.

Only you can decide OP, and you are the only one who knows this man

I’m more inclined to believe official research and statistics than the ‘sister’ of a random person on Mumsnet. I do not believe 80% of rape cases end up with the women admitting they lied. It’s bullshit.

‘Around 80% of the cases she investigates’

Not a national statistic and not claiming for it to be, also said around as to signify a clear estimate as to how many in her opinion.

Not claiming this to be a statistic l, just a statement from someone within a RASSO unit

[quote Musinglife11]@CorrBlimeyGG no further action.

@notthatonethisone no it’s not

@HaveTeaWillSurvive I have googled him. Nothing came up except about him professionally.i gut says trust him, but my head is saying be uncomfortable

@Rainbowqueeen he wanted to be honest and told me early on. He has waited in the past and was accused of hiding stuff.[/quote]
Gosh he’s quite the victim of the situation isn’t he

I don’t even know for a second why you’d risk continuing this. What have you got to gain? Is he thaaaat charming that you’re willing to risk rape?