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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
viques · 17/02/2022 20:45

@Suzi888

He might be telling the truth, he might not. I don’t see how you could ever know for sure.
Precisely this. It’s a bit like one of those logic puzzles isn’t it. There are two doors, behind one is a ravenous tiger..... except this time there is no logical way of deciding the answer. What do you do? Open a door hoping it is the safe one, or walk away leaving both doors closed.
BiscuitLover3678 · 17/02/2022 20:46

Lack of evidence does not mean innocence. I know one person who’s rape case got dismissed for lack of evidence. Innocent until proven guilty but that means more guilty people free than innocent locked up.

WonderfulYou · 17/02/2022 20:48

Abusers have a knack of knowing how to make people feel comfortable around them. I wouldn’t take your feelings of comfort as proof of him being a good guy.

I do agree with the above and would think this as soon as he told me however if he hadn’t said anything to you he’d be just as much of a risk to you.

He could be telling the truth and it’s completely false or he could be lying and did rape her.
Both are irrelevant as he could still rape someone else.

If you like him then carry on dating him but be safe like you would with any man.
If there are any other red flags then end it straight away.

elizabethdraper · 17/02/2022 20:48

A family member had something similar happen.

The told him very quickly they didn't believe the report

When they dropped this allegation th person then reported he had abused her daughter

That went on for years as lots more agencies were involved. Again everything dropped, police said they didn't believe her but they had to investigate
It happens more than you think

CaliFrown · 17/02/2022 20:48

@Musinglife11

A slightly different perspective from a woman who is almost certainly a fair bit older than you are.

Whatever the truth regarding the allegation, I would steer very clear of any man who comes with this kind of drama in his baggage. You have been on three dates. This is as good as nothing. I would let it run into the sand, and try to find someone who is more straightforward. Life is far too short for this shit.

DressingPafe · 17/02/2022 20:49

I was raped. I reported it but, like so many others, my case didn’t get to Court. Doubtless the man who raped me would be saying my allegation was “false”. It wasn’t. No man is going to say “I raped someone but got away with it”. Of course not. So they will always claim it was a false allegation.

As others have said, 3 dates in, I wouldn’t be taking chances. Also if it was dropped so quickly how were you ever going to find out about it anyway? Did he think his parents would out him when you met them or something? I mean really, who was going to tell you? So why has he?

We all have pasts. New people we meet do not need to know all of our past. If he was innocent and it was dropped, he didn’t need to say anything. Therefore I’m concerned he has. If you live somewhere small enough that he was worried you’d hear from someone else, surely you would have already?

fuckoffjournalists · 17/02/2022 20:49

That he has told you this on date 3 in my opinion is a huge red flag, sounds like a tactic to manipulate you or test or boundaries. There’s a small chance it’s genuine , but 3 dates in as others have said why take the risk?

AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken · 17/02/2022 20:49

It's so unfair that men who do get falsely accused have it follow them round and ruin future relationships. Sadly accusations do get made up and if your guy says he's a nice guy, he told you about it himself and your police friend said it sounds it's likely he told the truth- you should keep going with the relationship if you're comfortable to.

I totally get it will make you wary but all of the people saying dump him it's a red flag are too quick to jump to a conclusion imo

Scout2016 · 17/02/2022 20:49

My ex would tell you the same thing. Police dropped it. There rarely is any evidence. He probably genuinely believes he never ever did anything wrong and I'm crazy. And what he did do I drove him to. Always the misunderstood, always the wronged and the victim. He's a charmer, salt of the earth, witty, good looking. One of the policewoman even said we seemed like we'd be really good together. She fell for his nice guy side so I imagine a potential new girlfriend could easy too. He's warped and dangerous to be with but you wouldn't know until too late.
So in your position I'd run for the hills

StScholastica · 17/02/2022 20:50

Wayne Couzens.
Wasn't he investigated and found innocent of abuse before he murdered Sarah Everard?
I would walk away OP.

viques · 17/02/2022 20:54

@Janesmom

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. But obviously proceed with caution.

Those here saying that the volume of false accusations are tiny are either naive or deluded. As a lawyer, I can assure you that isn’t the case. Numbers can only show you the % of accusations that are demonstrably false. Anyone in the crime justice system will strongly believe the real proportion of false accusations is much higher.

“Proceed with caution”

What do you advise?

Don’t let him pay for dinner?
Don’t get into his car with him?
Don’t go back to his place ?
Don’t go back to your place?
Don’t wear anything that reveals your body?
Don’t initiate any physical contact other than a kiss”
Don’t send flirty texts?

For some men any of the above are indications that you are willing to have sex. Even if you say you are not.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 17/02/2022 20:54

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

I would go on your next date or even the one after and when the time is right ask a little more . Express appreciation for the difficult situation he found himself in by trying to be honest with you. Tell him that you are going to make a quick investigation with the police using Claires law because obviously you are worried and see how he reacts.

For Some reason I believe him I think it's incredibly responsible to tell you at the beginning of a relationship so there are no secrets, he clearly likes you OP.

This is not safe advice. Do not tell him in advance that you are making a Clare's Law request Confused
PJsAndRainyDays · 17/02/2022 20:54

This is really tough but if what he says is true then should he never be able to have a normal relationship again?

I think him telling you is a good sign, especially as googling revealed nothing. He obviously wanted to be honest.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 20:57

Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Say it was a false allegation. What does that say about him?

Does he have really bad taste in women and he dated a ‘psycho’? (In which case, what does that say about you?)

If this is the way you think @DifficultBloodyWoman presumably you blame women for dating a rapist. Because obviously it says something about them.

Hydrate · 17/02/2022 20:57

@Musinglife11
If you had a daughter come to you with your situation, what would you think, feel and advise?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/02/2022 20:58

If you have to run a Claire’s law on a new bf then don’t be with him!

NettleTea · 17/02/2022 21:00

I know 2 men who have been falsly accused. Both absolutely cleared because of evidence that proved them 100% in the clear. CCTV. and written threats to do it if the boy in question didnt do what she wanted. Nearly same scenario in both cases.
That said I only know 2. Out of all the men Ive ever known. And I know that a far far far greater number of my female friends have been a victim of rape, with only one I know getting a conviction

foxlover47 · 17/02/2022 21:00

Personally for me it would be a sorry but it's not going to progress further , I've got a 10 year old DD I just couldn't bring someone in my life that I'd have any doubts over, I'm sure we all run that risk dating but rape statistics don't sit easy as so many fail to lead to successful prosecution.
I always say a enhanced dbs is just a person whose never been caught ,

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/02/2022 21:00

Is your PO friend saying the fast investigation indicates there was no evidence against him?? I assume so.

Anyway, all you can do here is go with your gut and tread very carefully. False accusations are rare I believe, but they do happen.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 21:01

Why on earth would a woman do that?

That's an astonishingly naive question. And again, this thread shows exactly why it's such an effective weapon. The vast majority of people here won't even countenance the idea that this was investigated and he was exonerated. The guy has been found guilty by MN on no evidence at all.

For all those saying OP should use Clare's Law - the man has an advanced DBS, FFS. No way can there be anything that Clare's Law could pick up, or it would have come up in the DBS.

Bunnyfuller · 17/02/2022 21:02

NFA means the police were told to drop it by CPS. Usually because there’s not enough evidence to be confident of winning at court. ‘in the public’s interests’ eg we think a good defence will cast enough doubt to not convict. NFA does not mean the police gave up or that they think no crime took place. Rape is notoriously difficult to get to court, because, unless it’s a stranger rape with obvious violence, the suspect claims consensual and there’s nothing to disprove that. Your guy sounds like he is using his defence on you - she did it for revenge.

I was the victim of an attempt rape. There are better ways of getting back at a boyfriend than the horrific processes of reporting a rape.

Run.

Bunnyfuller · 17/02/2022 21:03

And how do you know about the text?

everythingisgoingup · 17/02/2022 21:03

Why would you want to date someone who had been accused of rape, falsely or otherwise?

You choose

Personally I would walk away Sad

Lemonlady22 · 17/02/2022 21:05

I knew a young lad (16) who was falsely accused of sexual assault. He never got over it and killed himself. Two years later his mother killed herself. It was awful.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 17/02/2022 21:07

I had this happen with an ex. He told me very early on and I decided to give him a chance. This is something I would never have thought I'd do, but he was very open and honest about anything I wanted to know.
We dated for a few months but it didn't work out as he was reluctant to enter into a sexual relationship due to what had happened with his ex-wife accusing him. There were also other false accusations made by her against his entire family and I didn't want to be involved with it all until it was all over. By the time he'd won custody of the kid, I'd moved on and met someone else.
He genuinely was the nicest bloke I've ever met. I 100% believe he was innocent but i very much doubt there are many false accusations made by women.