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AIBU?

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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
Bohemianwannabe · 17/02/2022 19:30

Oh that is awful can you get him checked under Claire law or something to make sure he hasn't done anything like it before I think I would be inclined to show him the door but then false accusations do happen all the time

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:32

@tothemoonandbackbuses I feel It was better I know now. He seemed genuine.

@Really18 yeah that’s my worry that he is being tarred for a false accusation

OP posts:
mariotime · 17/02/2022 19:32

@Genevie82

It’s totally illogical that he would volunteer up this information about himself if he were a potential or past rapist OP… my reading of this is that he’s a man that’s had a serious allegation made against him (which would have been hellish ) and really likes you so he’s telling you his experience up infront rather than 6 months down the line when it would be a question of why didn’t you tell me sooner. Trust your instincts if you like him and it is indeed very possible that what he is telling you is true. Next step meet his friends xxx
I don't agree, I think he would want to get ahead of anyone else telling the OP. This is exactly what an attacker would do in this situation.

Just like domestic abusers will tell new partners their 'crazy' ex tried to stop them seeing the kids by claiming abuse.
Tale as old as time.

EllaVaNight · 17/02/2022 19:32

assuming the police know their stuff Why would anyone assume that? I was groomed from the age of 12 and forced into sex work. Once I was out of that my ex raped me many times and beat me many times. The police said there was no point taking it further as it would be my word against his and I was unlikely to be believed. They also suggested I was putting sex down to rape because of my childhood and maybe I didn't know what sex was.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 19:33

I had a feeling what this thread would be about before I opened it- quelle surprise.

This is a classic softening up manoeuvre of abusers. Disclosing information of their past misdeeds (usually only partly honest) serves two purposes.

  1. He can test your boundaries and see what you're willing to put up with (if you didn't care about this, so what else will you accept, etc)
  1. Plausible deniability and the excuse of "I told you, what's you're problem? I'm honest, me"

Just don't bother. 3 dates in? Cut your losses. There are better humans out there.

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 19:33

False accusations happen all the time? I was under the impression they were very rare?

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 19:34

@RedCandyApple

False accusations happen all the time? I was under the impression they were very rare?
Indeed they are.
notthatonethisone · 17/02/2022 19:35

Sorry the only reason I asked his name was because the same thing happened to me. Few dates in he said that.

I wanted to be fair. He'd given me no reason to suspect him. Few dates later he raped me.

I went to sarc. He was investigated. It was nearly two years. But cps didn't take it so charges were dropped. He still raped me.

Of course it's not him. And I'm entirely prejudiced. But I wouldn't mess with my safety. Is there any way you can find out about the investigation for your own peace of mind?

WonderfulYou · 17/02/2022 19:37

I know females who have lied about rape. One ended in a false conviction and he went to prison. So I absolutely know it does happen.

However I would feel uncomfortable someone telling me something so personal after only 3 dates.

I guess he was worried someone you know said he’s a rapist.

I had a similar situation but the person went to jail (non sexual offences) but wanted to be with me which I wasn’t sure about so he got all of the information to show why he was convicted to prove that he was telling the truth and the situation behind it - I took that as he must have genuinely liked me to be so open.

WonderfulYou · 17/02/2022 19:38

I wanted to be fair. He'd given me no reason to suspect him. Few dates later he raped me.

Wow that’s awful I’m so sorry to hear that!

He will probably be telling his next victim that you falsely accused him like he did with you.

Suzi888 · 17/02/2022 19:39

He might be telling the truth, he might not. I don’t see how you could ever know for sure.

Really18 · 17/02/2022 19:40

@RedCandyApple

False accusations happen all the time? I was under the impression they were very rare?
Evidence from England and Wales suggests that 3-4% is a reasonable estimate for the number based on malicious complaints.

It's low but obviously very real if you are one of the 3-4%.

LadyEloise1 · 17/02/2022 19:40

Do you know any people in common ?
They could be helpful.
Also Clare's Law.
If it was a false accusation it's awful the impact it has on him.

Arabellla · 17/02/2022 19:40

Even if he didn't do it, I would wonder what he did to make her accuse him of such a thing.

At three dates in, I would call it a day.

OnaBegonia · 17/02/2022 19:41

Many men have faced false accusations, one I know was accused by a ONS , got to court and she admitted she made it up as she had to explain herself to her DH for coming home at 4am.
Plenty of women are vindictive and lie.
Give him a chance, he's been upfront with you.

user1471457751 · 17/02/2022 19:41

@Foxden you could have just written 0.1% having loads of 0s before the decimal place is meaningless

AnnieSnap · 17/02/2022 19:42

I think you can get information via Claire’s law even if you are just dating a guy. You don’t have to be in a long term relationship.

After 3 dates though, I think I’d walk away!

deeplyrooted · 17/02/2022 19:42

He might be telling the truth.

But it’s also plausible that he was investigated for a rape he did commit, but wasn’t convicted of. I would imagine that his version of what happened would be similar either way.

NeverChange · 17/02/2022 19:43

I think there is a special place in hell for people who falsely report rape. It tarnished reputations and ruins lives and it never goes away. It's such a vile nasty thing to do to someone and extremely difficult to prove or disprove in so many cases.

That said and I know I'm hypocritical here, I just couldn't take the risk. I know that horrible and really harsh on someone who has been falsely reported but my concern for my own personal welfare would override any benefit of the doubt I would like to afford someone. Horrible but true.

Midlifemusings · 17/02/2022 19:43

I would be okay with it after looking into it. I am not someone who thinks all men are evil and all women are saints. I do not have a believe all women and accuse all men mindset so I would hear him out and look into it and know that his version is very possibly true. I know two men who were falsely accused of sexual assaults. It happens.

grapewine · 17/02/2022 19:44

This would not be worth the risk, personally.

TheHoptimist · 17/02/2022 19:46

Hmm I also know someone who falsely accused a man of rape

So not that uncommon

ArcticSky · 17/02/2022 19:47

A good friend of mine was accused of rape. Made his life hell for a long time. The woman admitted she made it up - police did not prosecute her and my friend still struggles mentally with what he went through due to her accusations.

Most women don't lie - some do. I guess keep your wits about you if you continue to date him.

AlternativelyWired · 17/02/2022 19:49

Walk away. Rapist rely on their charm and nice guy persona. Ex when I was 16 has no recollection of raping me. Police not interested in abusive exH. His word against mine and CPS would only take things forward if they stand a good chance of conviction is what I was told. Bastards.

Lilymossflower · 17/02/2022 19:49

Massive red flag pls Don't return to him