What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

[Musinglife11]

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

[quote Musinglife11]@WouldIwasShookspeared there was a text to her friend saying nothing sexual happened as they were in a park and he wasn’t keen on it.

@Cakelover17 I don’t think I can after a few dates. He has a job that requires enhanced dbs checks. I assume he has been checked.[/quote]
I think you should be able to do a Claire’s law as it’s designed to warn women About the potential risks a partner you’ve just met might pose to you. I would do one and the police should then give you relevant information x

There was a case near me years ago. A man and a woman were working together in a taxi company office over a weekend and were the only two people there. She rang the police and accused him of sexual assault while they were in the office together. He denied everything.

What she didn't know was that the owner of the taxi company had recently installed a CCTV camera at the insistence of his insurance company, as the office handled a lot of cash. The police reviewed the videotapes and found he never touched her, never went near her actually. She was prosecuted and convicted of filing a false police report.

It may be rare, but it does happen.

@Tequilabeliever

Six months is very quick for a rape investigation.

Also it’s the crown prosecution service that make a charging decision, not the Police. I would totally agree with your detective friend.

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Huge red flags.

Sorry but this is rubbish. Police can and do decide no further action. Rape investigations can end in less than 6 months if there is a lack of evidence. Lack of evidence does not equal innocence. Don’t get wrapped up in trying to analyse lack of evidence/no further action/length of investigation etc. Ultimately you don’t know. You never will. He may be telling the truth or he may be lying. No one on here can tell you. This is your judgment call to make.

@Mo1911

He's got the paperwork etc if be fine with it.

There's a lot of nasty bonkers women out there.

Christ, the number of posters with internalised misogyny!

The number of men who rape and are never charged, let alone convicted, is astronomical. Yes, there are a tiny number of of false accusations. Tiny.

Abusers always want to get ahead of the narrative and shape it to their advantage. "Confessing" up front is a standard tactic.

This man may be genuine, but do you really want to risk your safety on it when the odds are that he isn't?

I think the fact that he’s told you this whether it be true or not is probably to test your boundaries and see just how interested (desperate) you are. It’s like if she accepts me with this she’s going to allow all sorts of crap.
I have a colleague who dated a guy who told her he had genital warts on the second date. She continued to date him and he treated her like crap then dumped her. Of course this could be the least of your worries. He could be a rapist. Either way I’d be running

I would end it op.

You're really early on, he may be absolutely genuine, or he may be telling you the bare minimum of the story so he sounds like he's been truthful if you ever hear anything about this.

Even if there's a 5% chance this is true is that a risk you want to take?

If it was me it would be a deal breaker. Because I have been in the same situation. He told me over some drinks after we had been seeing each other about a month. Claimed it all to be a pack of lies, shes out to get him etc etc. I gave him the benefit off the doubt as tbh it seemed out of character for how I knew him, at the time.

Fast forward a year. She wasn't lying.

I wonder what story he is telling his next new catch now.

It is very possible he is telling the truth. But are you happy to take the risk if he's not?

You can apply for info under the right know criteria of Claire's Law. As long as the police are satisfied your application is genuine and not malicious it will be granted.

When rape convictions get above the 1% mark, maybe I'll start to consider believing the false accusations narrative.

Sorry OP, you'll be ruining the guy's life if you don't give him a relationship apparently. So please do ignore any warning signs like "huh, I was accused of rape" and keep dating him anyway. bless his heart, after all, women lie ALL the time.

I know someone who was falsely accused too, saying that I also know maybe 10 women who were victimised, so on the balance of probability I would be walking away from this bloke. You have had three dates with him, so know him a matter of hours why invest more time? I see no point in meeting his family or friends either, they are his family and friends so will believe him anyway.

It's total nonsense that it's unlikely to be true becuase it was six months. The vast majority of rapes are not reported - rape is almost legal in the UK it is so rarely prosecuted. Of rapes that are reported ALMOST NONE end in conviction.

Imagine if you were raped by someone you had in the past had consensual sex with - how likely do you think it would be that the police and CPS would believe you/ decide to prosecute? Odds aare tiny.

You would be unlikely to go to the police, have intrusive swabs done, have your phone searched.

Nearly all women who report rape are telling the truth - sadly most of them don't get justice .

There is a tiny chance this man is telling the truth but the odds are far far higher that he is lying - because the reality is most women are not believed and why the hell would any woman go through that hell for no reason.

I'd say the fact he was arrested in the first place means there was evidence to do so. I have a confession that my rapist made and the police will not even arrest him.

There is a quota for rape so they will only take those that have the most secure evidence. You have more change of a man getting raped by a man than being falsely accused. It is a very rare event. Not guilty doesn't mean innocent.

Be careful.

My friend dated a guy who claimed his life was ruined by a false accusations of rape. He'd had to move away from his home town. Everyone had believed her and not him.
He told her to explain away lack of old friends from his past. In fact, lack of anyone.

She was infatuated with him. It did not wbd well. Dodgy sexual acts she was pressured into (She won't call it rape) and 6 months of emotional abuse.
He totally broke her. She's still recovering three years on.

He changed his name too, his first name. That came out when he was arrested for assaulting a young man, for which he was acquitted.

He was plausible. A sensitive yogi, who meditated. Had pets. A caring new-age man.
He was a teacher at one point. Worryingly.

It's so hard to work people out with no history. When they drop into your life

But then, false accusations can happen. Just be very careful. Be slow and listen to your gut!

@Genevie82
"It’s totally illogical that he would volunteer up this information about himself if he were a potential or past rapist OP…"

My experience was the same as a pp. He told me so that he could then play the victim. He also blamed any abusive/Controlling behaviour on what had been done to him. I had no experience of DV/abusers so thought that it was genuine. Later on he used the narrative that he'd got away with it once, but it turned out that it was three times, so no-one would believe me. That seems to be a common tactic.

"Just as an extension of this. There was a study where a shocking number (maybe one in eight) men admit to doing things which are rape, but they don’t recognise it as rape."

When asked anonymously, over half of the men asked admitted that they would rape someone if they was guaranteed to not be charged.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. But obviously proceed with caution.

Those here saying that the volume of false accusations are tiny are either naive or deluded. As a lawyer, I can assure you that isn’t the case. Numbers can only show you the % of accusations that are demonstrably false. Anyone in the crime justice system will strongly believe the real proportion of false accusations is much higher.

@notthatonethisone

Sorry the only reason I asked his name was because the same thing happened to me. Few dates in he said that.

I wanted to be fair. He'd given me no reason to suspect him. Few dates later he raped me.

I went to sarc. He was investigated. It was nearly two years. But cps didn't take it so charges were dropped. He still raped me.

Of course it's not him. And I'm entirely prejudiced. But I wouldn't mess with my safety. Is there any way you can find out about the investigation for your own peace of mind?

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you are recovering well! I know someone who was accused of the same thing. Was such a genuinely lovely guy. I had spent the night at his a few times (nothing sexual, and before the accusation) and he was the perfect gent. However, something in my gut told me never to trust him. It's not worth the risk!

Go with your gut.
He is being honest with you as I see it.

You absolutely can do Claire’s Law after a few dates, or indeed after any time whatsoever.

I would go on your next date or even the one after and when the time is right ask a little more . Express appreciation for the difficult situation he found himself in by trying to be honest with you. Tell him that you are going to make a quick investigation with the police using Claires law because obviously you are worried and see how he reacts.

For Some reason I believe him I think it's incredibly responsible to tell you at the beginning of a relationship so there are no secrets, he clearly likes you OP.

Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Say it was a false allegation. What does that say about him?

Does he have really bad taste in women and he dated a ‘psycho’? (In which case, what does that say about you?)

Maybe she wasn’t a ‘psycho’ and it was the result of a really bad break up. How bad would a break up have to be to falsely accuse someone of rape?

I’ve had a quick Google and found this report of false accusations of rape. Apparently only 5% of allegations are considered to be ‘false’. Is he one of the 5%? Statistically speaking, he is more likely to be in the 95% bracket. They are Australian statistics but I suspect the UK is similar.

Also, the definition of ‘false’ is a little different than you might expect.
Reports can be labelled false for a huge range of reasons, said Dr Fileborn. That includes situations where there's not enough evidence to support the report, or when police have decided the person isn't credible (decisions that can be problematic), or if a report has been made on behalf of a victim - and then the victim doesn't want to pursue it in the criminal justice system.

www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/false-rape-allegations-myths/13281852

I would be out of that relationship in a flash! Sorry. Of course there is every chance that he could be telling the truth, but not worth the risk. I'm sure the guy I reported to the police spins the same tale!

So you can’t find out anything on line. So no court case etc or news articles. If he’s been done for it I’d expect an online trail.

After doing your Claire’s Law check I would personally give him the benefit of the doubt - but that’s me.

My brothers a police offer and said sometimes these accusations can be found to be false within a couple of weeks. And yet they can leave someone’s life destroyed due to the stigma attached. My brother had to attend the scene of someone who’d killer himself as although charges were dropped and the CPS decided it wasn’t worth pursuing the woman over false charges - the damage was done to his life. In the weeks between being accused and being cleared his partner left him with their child due to pressure from his family. The whole community turned against him. He lost his job. Brother said it was heartbreaking dealing with the aftermath.

So yes after doing my checks - if I really liked someone I’d give them a chance. Imagine how scary it is having to have that conversation with folks.

This would have me running op. Rapists are almost always lovely and charming and the woman he’s describing is a very unusual situation. Can you find anything else out? Maybe give it some time, really listen to your instincts here. Why on earth would a woman do that? All a bit odd.