Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

262 replies

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:00

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

OP posts:
Howeverdoyouneedme · 17/02/2022 17:02

Mmm. I’m torn. On the one hand I would no way say what she said to you, but I would absolutely think it.

Theseleavesweremadeforcrunchin · 17/02/2022 17:03

I would tell her where to go and I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt about it. How horrible, she must be so unhappy in her own life to try and spoil this for you.

ddshocker · 17/02/2022 17:05

I'm with your friend but I wouldn't have said it through a message

Rosebuud · 17/02/2022 17:06

When you say you confided in her what did this look like, how often and what did you tell her.

I have to be honest, I’d never say such a thing, but I would also think it.

sadpapercourtesan · 17/02/2022 17:07

No, that's really unkind and unnecessary of her. I would only consider expressing concern if a friend in your position was a very close friend - the kind of almost-family friend you only ever have one or two of - and even then I would have phoned and asked more tactfully whether you were OK with the news and whether you wanted to talk.

Original poster
Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:07

I guess so, but we've been together years now and have never been one of those on and off couples, we were always solid but a baby, a pandemic and being constantly at home together and stressed about money, lack of sleep etc just led to us having our first wobble. I thought she had enough respect for me to see that it isn't a band aid baby, just that dh and I decided to work on things rather than call it quits. It wasn't planned it took me years (and clomid) to conceive my first so we didn't think it would happen so easily and so naturally and are taking it as a happy ending to a difficult period. It just made me feel embarrassed really, about having a baby, with my husband. Which is a bit sad.

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 17/02/2022 17:07

Also can I ask, is the real reason you stopped seeing her and didn’t tell her because she knew the condition of your relationship?

Original poster
Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:10

No I didn't unload loads on her or anything, we went for cocktails and a catch up last years, she told me about her break up but with quite a new boyfriend and I said about the affect the pandemic has had on many couples, and that it wasn't looking great between dh and I.

OP posts:
Howeverdoyouneedme · 17/02/2022 17:14

As I said above, I wouldn’t have said that to you, but she hasn’t been updated on your life, so the last thing she heard was how you were on the rocks. If you’re confident in your choices you can dismiss it.

AlDanvers · 17/02/2022 17:15

Either she is a massive bitch. Or there's more to this. Maybe even that you don't know.

She was close enough for you to tell her this, that you didn't share with anyone. Them ghosted you, now said this.

There's got to be more to it.

Tbh, I might think it. But definitely wouldn't say it.

IntrovertedExtrovert1 · 17/02/2022 17:16

Yanbu. She sounds horrid

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/02/2022 17:17

It’s a really unpleasant thing to say, and I wouldn’t dignify it with a reply. It may be that due what you confided in her she is genuinely gobsmacked, but that doesn’t excuse the rudeness.

I might think it too, it sounds very soon after a near split for another baby. But I can see that if you want a second child you may not want a massive gap, and that’s a reason to push on regardless.

Anyway, the best thing you can do right now is focus on the future, whilst being realistic about any weaknesses in your relationship and doing practical things like keeping your career going.

In terms of your friendship, give it a bit of space and it may settle down. I wouldn’t kick her out of your life if she’s a good friend. She may have been too near the knuckle, but it sounds like she’s someone you can talk to.

SnakeLinguine · 17/02/2022 17:17

@Howeverdoyouneedme

As I said above, I wouldn’t have said that to you, but she hasn’t been updated on your life, so the last thing she heard was how you were on the rocks. If you’re confident in your choices you can dismiss it.
Yes, she hasn't kept/ been kept up to date on the fact that your relationship is better now, a year after you told her it was shaky, so she's seeing it as a bandaid baby. If that's not the case, it doesn't need to worry you.

It's an object lesson on who you confide in, also -- not that confiding is wrong, but it does mean that those confidantes then come to their own conclusions from the information, which may not be the ones you'd like them to come to.

Againstmachine · 17/02/2022 17:19

It depends what you actually said to her about this and in past.

Some of things people have said to me then next thing you know getting married and shaving a kid, you do roll your eyes as in a year's time the person will be moaning again about same things.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/02/2022 17:21

She could have worded it a lot better, or kept her thoughts to herself, but I get her thinking tbh.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/02/2022 17:23

I would be thinking it as well, although if I was going to say anything I hope I would be far more tactful.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/02/2022 17:24

It's good to have a straight talking friend.

It's ok not to agree with her but at least you know she's being honest with you about what she thinks and not just telling you what you want to hear.

Original poster
Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:26

Christ almost unanimous people saying they'd think the exact same. Makes me very glad I didn't speak to more than a couple of people. Honestly if one of my friends went through their first ever marriage difficulties during covid and were now nearly a year later announcing a pregnancy I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive. I thought people would be happy for me. I guess not Blush

OP posts:
lanthanum · 17/02/2022 17:26

"Haven't seen you for you a few months, so I haven't had a chance to catch you up on how we've managed to work through things. Sorry about that - you know how busy we've both been. A baby last year would have been the last thing we needed, but we've moved on, and we're definitely on the same page now."

DetailMouse · 17/02/2022 17:27

It's not something I'd send a text about and it's too late now but, but it is what I'd be thinking. You must know that too so it's not something to be upset about.

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/02/2022 17:27

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I would be thinking it as well, although if I was going to say anything I hope I would be far more tactful.
This unfortunately 😬
Rosebuud · 17/02/2022 17:30

@MajorCarolDanvers

It's good to have a straight talking friend.

It's ok not to agree with her but at least you know she's being honest with you about what she thinks and not just telling you what you want to hear.

Totally agree, I just hope the op didn’t ghost her becayse of what she told her and how quickly she’d changed her mind and decided to ttc. I’m sure that’s not the case, but she wouldn’t be the first, people do it out of embarrassment.

It does read like whatever you told her was bad, is that Maybe why you feel embarrassed?

There’s no such thing as a band aid baby. Babies make everything harder. If the relationship is bad, it’s guaranteed a baby will end it.

What is it she thinks can’t be made better?

Againstmachine · 17/02/2022 17:32

if one of my friends went through their first ever marriage difficulties during covid and were now nearly a year later announcing a pregnancy I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive. I thought people would be happy for me. I guess not blush

Because to a lot of people having a baby doesn't mean you have sorted anything out, and some people have another baby in a misguided effort to save the marriage.

The above doesn't necessarily apply to you but many have seen this before.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 17/02/2022 17:32

@lanthanum

"Haven't seen you for you a few months, so I haven't had a chance to catch you up on how we've managed to work through things. Sorry about that - you know how busy we've both been. A baby last year would have been the last thing we needed, but we've moved on, and we're definitely on the same page now."
Love this reply!

If I hadn't spoken to you in almost a year I certainly wouldn't be making any assumptions about your relationship. Surprised so many would! All of the lockdowns/ working through covid etc. tested my relationship with DH too, but we're in a stronger place now than we have ever been - surely that happened to lots of couples!

SpiderVersed · 17/02/2022 17:33

I might not have said it but I'd definitely have thought it.

How much did you tell her? If there were any specifics, she may be thinking "that butthead DH didn't treat my friend well, so why on earth would she have another choild with him?"

I had a friend who confided her relationship problems and I was sympasthetic and supportive - both emotionally and through my actions. Then she went back to him (and again, and third time) and all I could see was her falling for all the bullshit he'd peddled last time. She might have forgiven him but I didn't for being so horrible to someone I cared about.

So depending on what she knew, that's a reasonable gut response.

Congratulations on your pregnancy,, though. Hope all goes well for you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread