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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

262 replies

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:00

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2022 18:54

I would have thought it but she’s got some cojones saying it

Saz12 · 17/02/2022 18:54

If you’ve not been as close for a while, she doesn’t know that your relationship has been good for a bit and that it was “just a wobble”.

She’s gone from talking about her breakup, then you talking about marriage issues - cocktails having been had... so she’s thought of it in terms of a break-up (she’s had cocktails, she was talking about a break up, then you talk about your marriage...).
The next she hears is a pregnancy.

YOU know the real story. You know you were just talking about relationship issues, not a break up, you know those issues have been resolved and have been in the past for a while. But she doesn’t.

Tyneside · 17/02/2022 18:56

I had a friend who used to make equally unpleasant comments. Said more about her and her own problems that it did anyone else's. Don't reply.

As for the phrase band aid baby that keeps popping up on this thread, can people just not. Really horrible.

Againstmachine · 17/02/2022 18:57

As for the phrase band aid baby that keeps popping up on this thread, can people just not. Really horrible.

Why not if people didn't do it there wouldn't be a name.

Dnaltocs · 17/02/2022 18:59

Sorry, I’d be thinking the same. A very recent rocky patch escalating to consider separating and now a baby gosh! Was lockdown with your child and the partner of choice so bad?
Only a best friend would say this but I’m sure many, if they knew, would think the same.

WitchDancer · 17/02/2022 18:59

@lanthanum

"Haven't seen you for you a few months, so I haven't had a chance to catch you up on how we've managed to work through things. Sorry about that - you know how busy we've both been. A baby last year would have been the last thing we needed, but we've moved on, and we're definitely on the same page now."

I think this is a brilliant response.

ittakes2 · 17/02/2022 19:01

I think it’s really rude of her. Besides, I know couples whose relationship is wobbly and who are still having sex and fallen pregnant accidentally. What would she expect them to tell people - hi everyone our relationship is a bit touch and go but we have just found out we are pregnant? No one does that.
She might have thought what she said but it’s pretty rude of her to say it.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/02/2022 19:02

Rude, unnecessary and out of order. If she was genuinely concerned there are far more diplomatic, caring ways to broach it. You know, like a friend would. Which this person is not.

My first thought was wow, someone loves a drama. Like she's digging for the dirty details without being any kind of a supportive, concerned friend.

Ignore, move on and enjoy your new bubs when they come! Flowers

Fruby · 17/02/2022 19:03

Her comment was unnecessary and unpleasant. People go through ups and downs, life’s not black and white. Even if you were still in a bad place with your relationship it would be completely separate issue in my mind from the happy news of your pregnancy.

ChooseYourUsernameWisely · 17/02/2022 19:04

Loads of couples go through ‘wobbles’ and what they don’t continue to have other children?

I’d definitely drop the friend as she really isn’t one.

isadoradancing123 · 17/02/2022 19:06

Fair enough question from her

Casheeeew · 17/02/2022 19:15

Unless you disclosed DH was abusive or similar, which it doesn't sound like it, then your friend seems like a bitch.

You confided in her and this is a total betrayal of trust to throw it back in your face.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 17/02/2022 19:15

I agree I would’ve definitely thought it but no way would I say it especially as you say you’ve not been as close recently . I mean it’s not as if you’ve been bending her ear every day for the last year time has moved on . Saying that op I suggest keeping personal things to 1 or 2 close people you trust . I get that you want to sound off to a friend but just choose those friends closely.

Juliauns91 · 17/02/2022 19:21

I'll play devil's advocate:

I would have thought exactly the same as your friend.

She is only surprised in the light of what you TOLD her. Perhaps she also does not like your husband, or does not like the sound of him judging by what you have told her.
She was blunt, and now that you are pregnant, it's pointless to say anything about it now. Only you know what you said to her - "nearly splitting" is not a "wobble".

If this person was a real pal in life (as opposed to a drinking/social acquaintance) personally I wouldn't write her off just for that comment. I have had friends say really hard and painful things to me and sometimes I needed to hear it, sometimes not. Honesty matters.

Congrats on your pregnancy Flowers

georgarina · 17/02/2022 19:22

Horrible message and even worse as a response to a pregnancy announcement.

Can't believe some of the replies on this thread.

Roseandgeranium · 17/02/2022 19:25

I think that was a very unkind and unfair thing for your friend to say. Unless you’d spent hours telling me in detail what a mega tool your husband is and had led me to believe you’d never been happy with him my thoughts on seeing that picture would have been ‘oh that’s nice, they’re making a go of it’. Or, at worst, ‘I hope things are better now if there’s a new baby on the way — must check in with her’. Lots of marriages are tested by babies and plenty struggled with lockdown. Given your solid 7 year history as a couple I’d have thought your friend would think about things in that context rather than deciding your relationship should definitely end. I don’t blame you for being hurt but tbh I suspect she has her own stuff going on. What’s her relationship status?

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 19:27

She was mean. Continue to keep your distance imo.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 17/02/2022 19:28

I'd be thinking the same. It hasnt even been a year since you're marriage was crumbling and now you're pregnant.
You blame a young toddler/baby aged child and money worries for being the main cause. And now, when you're only just back into getting along, you're having another child when cost of living is skyrocketing.
You're going to have the same problems; two young children and money worries.

Just make sure you really have worked through it and found a way to manage those stressed because those problems are going to continue.

BOOTS52 · 17/02/2022 19:32

I think she is very unfair towards you and especially since she has not been in contact for so long. I would be bloodywell pissed off at her to be honest. Do not let her live in your head for free. Do not bother to reply but if you feel you need to just keep it short and say yes had our ups and downs during pandemic as so many have but we worked at it and are stronger than ever and so happy that I conceived as worried it would be more difficult and it would be nice if you could be happy for out little family. She does not sound particularly nice at all. Everyone has ups and downs and no one is immune to it as been a tough few years for everyone. Enjoy your pregnancy and wishing you well.

BOOTS52 · 17/02/2022 19:35

She is probably jealous as seems to be acting very petty but the annoying thing is she has not been in contact for months and how dare she pop up then after your announcement. Just live the best life for you and your family. Some people very harsh on here and it is nice to hear good news.

dramalessllama · 17/02/2022 19:43

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Your friend doesn't sound very much like a good friend to say or even think that. The first thing that would have popped into my head would have been surprise and then delight to hear that you both had worked through your issues.

Could there be some jealousy from her because your relationship got better while hers dissolved?

butterpuffed · 17/02/2022 19:52

@WishIwasElsa

I think thats a horrible message I would not think that nor say it if you were my friend! I also think the amount of people on here who think these things are incredibly judgemental so skewed from my general experience of people. The other day someone posted a thread and was in their 20s with 2 children dh left her and she was actually told what did she expect at her age having 2, of course she wouldn't be with someone who would stick around not leave so irresponsible etc - very unkind and absolute madness never in my life have I come across judgement of having children in 20's
Totally agree, but it's par for the course....an MNer says 'I wouldn't have said it but I would have thought it' then an absolute avalanche follows to say the same thing, like sheep.

A typical MN pile on.

Don't let them upset you, OP Flowers

RonCarlos · 17/02/2022 19:53

The problem with confiding in your friends about your relationship is they forever more think your DP is a twat.

I'd never say this to anyone as I'd just assume they were happy about the news to have announced it, and it's pretty presumptious/rude.

Natty13 · 17/02/2022 19:55

People are constantly telling me I'm rude/blunt/far too direct (I am but dgaf, some things need said) but even I wouldn't have said that to you.

I would reply "if you had bothered to check in with me in the last year you'd know that we have heen solid for a while again now. This baby is much wanted and loved and your response to my announcement says everything about what kind of a person you are". Then block. A friend who has that kind of nasty reaction without an ounce of concern for your (plenty of people saying they'd have thought the same 1. Would you have said it though and 2. If so, wouldn't you have said it in a concerned way?) is not a friend you need.

RonCarlos · 17/02/2022 19:56

Unless you’d spent hours telling me in detail what a mega tool your husband is and had led me to believe you’d never been happy with him my thoughts on seeing that picture would have been ‘oh that’s nice, they’re making a go of it’. Or, at worst, ‘I hope things are better now if there’s a new baby on the way — must check in with her’. Lots of marriages are tested by babies and plenty struggled with lockdown. Given your solid 7 year history as a couple I’d have thought your friend would think about things in that context rather than deciding your relationship should definitely end.

This, absolutely.