Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

[Fezzco]

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

Yet again I feel like I'm in a parallel universe and am glad I live in my own one with my nice friends and not in Mumsnet universe!

I've got some very longstanding relationships and friends often confide in me. I've heard about their pre-wedding doubts, affairs before and after marriage, kissing other people, going through periods of dislike or even hatred of their partners, what to do when your partner turns into a grumpy old man/gets fat/loses their teeth/isn't the man you married, abortions, reckless behaviour, all kinds. As well as lots of nice times, holidays, quiet periods, lovely supportive marriages. One of my friends left their husband not once but twice and is back with him. I say nothing and I'm supportive.

I cannot fathom seeing friends rarely and then spending my time sending judgmental texts. It seems very odd to me to think that how things are at one time is how they are going to be in the future, that's not how marriages are or people are. I do occasionally think things won't last or aren't ideal- but you know what, I've also been very wrong!

The only exception to this is if there was abuse in the marriage, which I would encourage leaving obviously.

I don't get this 'you shared stuff a year ago so it's fine for your friend to send a bitchy text about the state of your marriage' thing whatsoever, I can't understand the headspace and it seems the opposite of friendship to me, which is about supporting your friends through thick and thin and even unwise choices (and this may be fine choice anyway).

It’s really hard seeing someone you love making “bad” choices and going from splitting to new baby on the way in a year is worrying. I wouldn’t have said anything in your friend’s position but I’d think it.

Don't know TBH. If you confided that your H had been abusing you or had developed a serious substance abuse problem, or if it was anything that might be 'resolved' by you changing your behaviour and learning to obey your H in order to keep him, I would be worried about you, too.

I would of messaged back we worked on things but our friendship wasn't in the terms to discuss that with you.
We're in a good place & are happy about our future.
Thanks for the congratulations 😂
Some people just have to stick the knife in.

She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I would not have said this, however much I may have thought it. So she has seriously overstepped imo.

The fact that you both lost touch after you confiding in her about your marital issues makes me wonder about your friendship before - did you confide in each other about problems before or was this unusual for you to do?

Her message is so mean, what a horrible thing to say to a pregnant women. It must have been very upsetting for you.
Congratulations.

She sounds like a cow, frankly. If she was genuinely concerned, there are ways of expressing that concern - and in this case, I’d expect at least some acknowledgment of the months of silence and an attempt at re-engagement before having this verbal hand grenade lobbed my way.

I’d be tempted to reply that things have moved on a lot since your last conversation - ‘but then again, you’d know that if you’d bothered to get back in touch, wouldn’t you?’

@Fezzco

Christ almost unanimous people saying they'd think the exact same. Makes me very glad I didn't speak to more than a couple of people. Honestly if one of my friends went through their first ever marriage difficulties during covid and were now nearly a year later announcing a pregnancy I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive. I thought people would be happy for me. I guess not

I'm happy for you and so should your friend be. I have no idea what your problems were, but it looks like you have resolved them. Well done.

It would upset me OP. Things (as you clearly show) can change in a year, and she hasn't been keeping up with your news or life, much as you haven't hers I imagine. But there's the old saying 'If you can't say anything nice...'

Congratulations on your news, and don't let anyone else's bad vibes spoil your happiness.

Well it's both upsetting and kind of fair enough, in a very blunt way. The relationships board is full of women detailing marital problems, who have then gone on to get pregnant again and part of me does think 'for the love of god, why, when you knew he was a dick?' I mean I know it's victim blaming and you shouldn't say it and so on, but it just seems to be so common.

So your friend is blunt and lacking a filter in this instance. But only time will tell if she's wrong, unfortunately.

I can see why she has thought the way she has, In her mind about 8 or 9 months ago you were telling her you might split up and now your posting a pregnancy announcement (so I’m guessing your about 3 months pregnant), that’s not a lot of time to go from splitting up to getting pregnant.

However, her reply was rude and she should have kept her thoughts to herself.

Talk about raining on your parade!
Seems very unnecessarily negative.
Do you usually have a relationship where you're comfortable with being absolutely blunt with each other?
If not its incredibly tactless or her & is actually quite unkind.
If she wanted to comment on your relationship she could have said she was happy for things had worked out & for your great news.
Does she have kids herself?
Somehow I'm guessing not if she does it makes it worse.
Don't let her negativity get you down.
Congratulations for your happy news 🎉

Congratulations on your lovely news!

I’m not sure I like this friend. In future just keep private things private.

Yabu
She’s right to have concerns and address them to you.

I thought she made that comment publicly. Then she’d have been massively unreasonable.

This is RUDE. Whether she is justified in thinking it or not, the baby is happening, so her comment is not going to achieve anything other than to make you unhappy. But maybe that was the point.

It's an odd message. A friend wouldn't say it like that even if they thought it. From what you've said no reason to think it either...the pandemic has been tough relationship wise. Loads of people have had struggles that are easing now.

I would just try to shrug it off and keep her on the nod and smile list.

Finally, congrats!!

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Yet again I feel like I'm in a parallel universe and am glad I live in my own one with my nice friends and not in Mumsnet universe!

I've got some very longstanding relationships and friends often confide in me. I've heard about their pre-wedding doubts, affairs before and after marriage, kissing other people, going through periods of dislike or even hatred of their partners, what to do when your partner turns into a grumpy old man/gets fat/loses their teeth/isn't the man you married, abortions, reckless behaviour, all kinds. As well as lots of nice times, holidays, quiet periods, lovely supportive marriages. One of my friends left their husband not once but twice and is back with him. I say nothing and I'm supportive.

I cannot fathom seeing friends rarely and then spending my time sending judgmental texts. It seems very odd to me to think that how things are at one time is how they are going to be in the future, that's not how marriages are or people are. I do occasionally think things won't last or aren't ideal- but you know what, I've also been very wrong!

The only exception to this is if there was abuse in the marriage, which I would encourage leaving obviously.

I don't get this 'you shared stuff a year ago so it's fine for your friend to send a bitchy text about the state of your marriage' thing whatsoever, I can't understand the headspace and it seems the opposite of friendship to me, which is about supporting your friends through thick and thin and even unwise choices (and this may be fine choice anyway).

Absolutely this

I wouldn't have said what she said but I would have thought it.

In fact the lack of sleep and money worries will probably be intensified, so yes many would have thought similar given 10 months ago you were on verge of splitting.

I don't know if I would bother replying to her though. It doesn't seem like a friendship neither of you seem keen to maintain.

I don't know if I would bother replying to her though. It doesn't seem like a friendship neither of you seem keen to maintain.

No, don't think I would respond either. She's not happy for you - quite the opposite - so what's the point? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d have thought it but not said it. I had a colleague who did this. I got all her tales of woe about how bad things were and they split for a couple of months, got back together, she became pregnant with their but split about 8 months after she had their daughter. She was 30 and they’d been together since they were about 17.

Nothing bad happened between dh and I, just I think we both got snipey with each other, very tit for tat about everything, we were on top of each other constantly, tired stressed etc. It just got to the point I didn't want to be around him, and I thought it may be permanent but to be honest we both just needed some space and to start prioritising each other again and it has been good since. We talk more rather than just watch tv every night, we've had date nights and weekends away, just making time for each other outside of parenting. His job caused him a lot of stress, he got a new one which he's much happier in and significantly more money so we're in a better place all around and both are excited to grow our family.

I would probably be a bit concerned if you were my friend, but I wouldn't say anything - especially as you haven't spoken about it (or much at all) since then. I'd be more inclined to hope you'd got through the rough patch than assume band aid baby.

@Gowithme

If your having marriage difficulties the two people to speak to are your husband and a counsellor. Dragging friends and family into your issues and then expecting them to move on because you have is just not how life works IME.

Yep.

I wouldn't have said it, but I probably would have thought it, if the last time I communicated with you it was about the problems in your marriage. Bandaid babies exist. It doesn't often end well. That's probably what she's thinking.

I understand OP, I’ve been there and I get it. Life isn’t all plain sailing, we are human we make mistakes and when we love someone we forgive them. Relationships can recover. Even if it was a planned pregnancy I wouldn’t judge you. You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on. Nevermind the fact it was a ‘happy accident’.
I would reply and politely and kindly put her straight. And I’d be a bit offended she didn’t think more of me. I’d forgive but I won’t forget.

I think thats a horrible message I would not think that nor say it if you were my friend! I also think the amount of people on here who think these things are incredibly judgemental so skewed from my general experience of people. The other day someone posted a thread and was in their 20s with 2 children dh left her and she was actually told what did she expect at her age having 2, of course she wouldn't be with someone who would stick around not leave so irresponsible etc - very unkind and absolute madness never in my life have I come across judgement of having children in 20's