Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

[Fezzco]

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

I don't think it was trying to be honest, it was rude, and blunt, and it doesn't come across as concerned at all. she's clearly got the hump about something. What a response to what was clearly an announcement showing you were happy about the pregnancy.
She hasn't communicated with you for ages, things had obviously changed since you last did communicate, why not ask you about that instead of sending such a poor message?

I think your friend is harsh and quite rude.
If the last chat we had has things were rough and then you were pregnant, I'd message you and seek how you were feeling, how the relationship was. What is the point in telling you off? Does she think you'll agree, delete the pic and have an abortion? LTB? Hide your bump in shame?

I'd just message her and say it was just a pandemic blip, things are better than ever now you've worked through and you're both so excited by your new baby.

I agree with your friend as well unfortunately but i probably wouldnt have come out and voiced it as bluntly as that. However, having a 'band-aid' baby just doesnt work out, im sorry but it just doesnt. Maybe you will be the exception but i doubt it.

If she was really concerned she'd have asked you and you could have explained how things had improved.

I wonder if she's a product of a dysfunctional relationship and is projecting on you?

I wouldn't say it or think it. What a horrible thing to say and think. So many people mean like your friend.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well for you.

As others have said I would probably think it but I know enough not to say anything. So I think she was pretty blunt.

Honestly it’s amazing how many people have issues in their relationship and then suddenly they’re engaged or pregnant as a way to try and fix it.

She could also be annoyed that you were communicating more when you were having issues and now you’re not communicating as much maybe.

I would reply and say you’ve worked through everything and you really appreciate all the advice she gave you as it really helped.

If a friend confided in me that things weren't good with her husband, I would likely message that friend again a while later and ask how they were, How things are at home etc. it looks like she never followed up. And neither of you caught up afterwards for a long time. I can see why she thinks what she does but I also think it's not usual for people to come forward out of the blue and say 'oh by the way we're doing really well now!' When you've not asked.

I'd never ever message someone what she did though!

@Fezzco

Nothing bad happened between dh and I, just I think we both got snipey with each other, very tit for tat about everything, we were on top of each other constantly, tired stressed etc. It just got to the point I didn't want to be around him, and I thought it may be permanent but to be honest we both just needed some space and to start prioritising each other again and it has been good since. We talk more rather than just watch tv every night, we've had date nights and weekends away, just making time for each other outside of parenting. His job caused him a lot of stress, he got a new one which he's much happier in and significantly more money so we're in a better place all around and both are excited to grow our family.

And if she'd kept in touch when you messaged she know this.

Friends don't get to disappear and then judge.

And friends don't judge that way anyway - they invite you for coffee and chat. Find out the lay if the land and gently put forward any concerns they may have and offer support.

Yes that’d bother me! I think your friend sounds plain rude, does she think she’s replying to a MN post or something? 😂

why say that to a woman whose pregnant and obviously pleased about it? Whatever you think privately, just why make that kind of comment to someone unless you have no social skills?

Yanbu op

Also I agree with others who say you should be very careful who you speak to about marriage stuff.

That is a horrible message, I would never send that to a friend. I don’t understand most of the replies, to be honest. It is not unusual to have a wobble in a long marriage & nothing to be ashamed about. It doesn’t mean the relationship is eternally doomed, despite what others seem to think. You confided in her nearly a year ago, plenty of time to move things on. She is choosing to be nasty and put the worst possible spin on it - which is not the behaviour of a true friend. If she was genuinely concerned your marriage might still be rocky, she would surely have reached out with kindness.

What a bitch. People have difficulties in relationships and tell friends the absolute worst of it but it doesn't mean you can't work through it and have a better relationship for it. Do people think that couples that have been together 50+ years never had hard times? And it's not like the baby is a reversible thing. I'd cut her off but then I'm quicker to do that than most.

I can be a nippy sweetie. Not proud of it but I can be.

But bugger me, I’m not that nippy…

Ultimately she is being unreasonable.

But let's be honest, what she said, anyone who knew would be thinking.

Was it parenthood/parenting that nearly split you? Maybe she thinking's you're adding fuel to the fire by having another.

Having said that, families break up all time and you don't always know before kids if yours is going to be one that goes down the pan.

Also, even if I thought my relationship may not last, id probably go for #2 if I could because I wouldn't want an only child and having two kids with the same father would be ideal for me. Although wouldn't want a big age gap.

I'd probably message something like

"Nice to hear from you, shame it couldn't be something more supportive though. We're really excited! Hope you're all well". And leave it at that.

I would just tell her she has no idea what your relationship is like now as she hasn't been in touch but thanks for your concern.

I had a rough time after my eldest was born with my dh. Lots of misunderstandings that seemed bigger issues than they were at the time. It was a bundle of not feeling appreciated, new baby, sleep deprivation, changes in my body leading me to feel insecure, concerns about baby. I then fell pregnant when she was 6 months old and our minor issues we worked on. We've been happily married for 7 years and have just had our 3rd baby. Our issues seemed bigger than they were and it sounds like yours were similar?

Unless you had huge issues like domestic violence or abuse her response could have been kinder. That being said I've had friends who were in shit relationships and who've gone on to have more kids making the decision to leave that bit harder.

Only you know how serious the issues in your relationship were and whether she has cause for concern. Congratulations on your pregnancy op.

Well, you've learned your lesson about confiding in people. I would never tell anyone if me and dh were having trouble. Some things are too private to share. I wouldn't even trust close friends and family with that information. Bit blunt of her but you did tell her!

I think it's bitchy, tactless, rude and blunt.

If I judged every friend that considered leaving their husband during lockdown and covid, I would have very few friends left.

Only you really know your relationship and what is repairable and what is a situation stress related issue verses a serious, long term problem.

In a way she is correct a baby won't fix a relationship but in fairness you didn't set out to get pregnant to fix it. Things change and if you are more comfortable in your marraige now, then you don't have to justify that you anyone.

Another poster outlined a perfect reply to her earlier. I would sent it but give her a wide berth otherwise.

Good for you and your husband OP for working things out instead of throwing the towel in. I think lockdowns were hard for lots of couples.

Your friend's message is really harsh, you mentioned that your friend had split up from her boyfriend last year, I wonder if she's jealous?

YANBU. IMO there’s more judgement than concern implicit in what she said; rather than checking how you are, it reads like she’s castigating you for making a bad decision. Especially given you were the last one to get in touch and she’s ignored you for months, only to re-establish contact with that message. If she’d worded it differently it mightn’t even have been as bad: “saw your post about your pregnancy, congratulations. Just checking how you are as when last we spoke you and DH were having some issues. How is everything now?” Or something along those lines.

She’s either
a) pissed off that your friendship has fizzled out
b) struggling with her own demons and you’ve triggered something with the 2nd pregnancy
c) neurodiverse and says things jarringly bluntly

Or all 3. But ultimately she’s shown you who she is, and if you don’t want to continue this friendship then don’t. I’d cut this one loose, but not before I messaged back a few choice words in case she thought your silence meant that she had ‘exposed the truth’ 🙄

It’s very rude. To be honest, I’d never reply to that. I would wait for an apology. If none appeared, friendship over.

She also sounds quite young, or with little experience of long term relationships? Her world is probably so very different to your world.

She's horrid, op. Everyone goes through rough patches. We also went through a rough patch, 10 years together, solid marriage then a new baby and COVID together rocked us us a bit. That was last summer and we've worked through it and are back on track and happy and planning to have our second icsi for our baby number two in autumn.

I'd just ignore or reply with something like well we haven't seen each other in a while, so I didn't have the chance to update you that we worked through things and are as good as ever

@Howeverdoyouneedme

As I said above, I wouldn’t have said that to you, but she hasn’t been updated on your life, so the last thing she heard was how you were on the rocks. If you’re confident in your choices you can dismiss it.

^^ this.

I would also be worried if I were her. I will now read the remainder of the thread - apologies if your update(s) have covered this!

She’s either
a) pissed off that your friendship has fizzled out
b) struggling with her own demons and you’ve triggered something with the 2nd pregnancy
c) neurodiverse and says things jarringly bluntly

Or none of the above and just being blunt as many have said, how many people have a kid or get engaged as a sticking plaster.