Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

[Fezzco]

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

I agree with you op. I think it’s a horrid thing to say but I also think you’re on the wrong forum. People on MN as a whole do seem to think and behave very differently to those who I know in rl. I wouldn’t ever say what your so called friend said, in fact I wouldn’t even think it I’d just be glad you had gotten over your rough patch which all long term relationships have and had some happy news. Some people are just so sad with their lives they take out their bitterness on others.

Oh and huge congratulations! Me and dh had a rough patch the last few years but would now love to have another dc, here’s hoping.

There seems to be nothing some people love more than trouble in someone else’s relationship. They get a whiff of normal everyday trouble and without the knowledge or evidence they decide your relationship is toxic, doomed and must end. They write this script when all they’ve heard is ‘you’re not getting on’. She loved the fact she’d decided things were shit for you, it made her feel better about her life, finding out it isn’t true in the way she thought has made her feel rubbish and angry. She’s an absolute bitch for saying it to you when she clearly has no clue. Dump her. Block her and move on.

Relationships have massive ups and downs. Whilst abuse isn’t normal ups and downs are. Lots of friends will write your relationship off if your share it with them for the above reasons. Massive congratulations on the baby!!

so a bit of a windy night moan; i have a husband testing pos since wednesday after kids had it last week, he isnt unwell anymore but refusing to isolate around the house depite fact i havent had it but due to visit my very vulnerable mum for half term hols. AIBU to think he is being selfish; he is saying i am being ridiculous! i am sleeping in soare room and trying to disinfect everything but he is not taking any notice of my requests such as using just one of our three loos but all three which he has been doing without disinfecting behind him! yes i have had all three vaccines and had covid quite badly last year ( where i isolated and he was crap at looking after me and kids) I feel so frustrated and annoyed!

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Yet again I feel like I'm in a parallel universe and am glad I live in my own one with my nice friends and not in Mumsnet universe!

I've got some very longstanding relationships and friends often confide in me. I've heard about their pre-wedding doubts, affairs before and after marriage, kissing other people, going through periods of dislike or even hatred of their partners, what to do when your partner turns into a grumpy old man/gets fat/loses their teeth/isn't the man you married, abortions, reckless behaviour, all kinds. As well as lots of nice times, holidays, quiet periods, lovely supportive marriages. One of my friends left their husband not once but twice and is back with him. I say nothing and I'm supportive.

I cannot fathom seeing friends rarely and then spending my time sending judgmental texts. It seems very odd to me to think that how things are at one time is how they are going to be in the future, that's not how marriages are or people are. I do occasionally think things won't last or aren't ideal- but you know what, I've also been very wrong!

The only exception to this is if there was abuse in the marriage, which I would encourage leaving obviously.

I don't get this 'you shared stuff a year ago so it's fine for your friend to send a bitchy text about the state of your marriage' thing whatsoever, I can't understand the headspace and it seems the opposite of friendship to me, which is about supporting your friends through thick and thin and even unwise choices (and this may be fine choice anyway).

Absolutely this! She is not a friend...

apologies i didnt mean to post here and cant delete

I think that some people who are not married or are not in a very long term relationship, don't understand that things can be tough sometimes OP.

They seem to think, if it's not all honeymoon times & rose petals, that people would be better off leaving.

Perhaps your friend doesn't realise the trust you were bestowing in her by sharing the fact that things were hard fir a while.

I think that, unless you told her your DH had been really abusive towards you or something, then she should be happy for you and has been very unkind in her response. This probably says more about her unhapiness in her own life.

Take no notice. Don't confide in her again. And congrats on your baby!

A friend of mine many years ago was having relationship troubles with her partner, they had a young baby. They had 2 further babies trying to "fix" it, resulting in three practically abandonned kids and a deadbeat dad they barely see and who pays nothing, and has moved on to his third "family".
I can see why your friend is concerned.

She's a dick
Just ignore and block her

She is horrible. Who responds to a new baby announcement like that?! No one.

Fair enough for her to think it but unforgivable of her to say it. Lots of couples go through a rough patch, my parents nearly divorced (money/stress) when I was twelve but are now in their eighties and very happy still together.

Keep DH and lose the friend. If she really thiught your marriage was failing why hasn’t she been in touch to support you? Not a friend.

She sounds horrible. I like the tone of something like,

Seriously? You ignore my last few messages months ago, where you might have found out that we’d worked through things, yet feel you can now pour cold water on my life choices? I’m happy, things are good.

Congrats by the way. And please don’t feel bad about confiding in a friend, it’s a natural thing to do.

Maybe she just isn't the friend you need now, or ever-if she can't at least be polite and express happiness for your pregnancy she's a bit of a sour one anyway - and even if you let it go, she isn't going to be one of the supportive female friends we all need when we have a child, so I'd say cut your losses and dump her now

Shes plain jealous and shd never have said that straight off

As you and your DH were both committed to working on your relationship it is not surprising it improved. Also Covid and lockdown was a very testing time for many people. Congratulations on your baby news and I hope it brings you both much joy and hope for the future. Take no notice of your friend. Don't let her spoil this special time for you both.

It's hard to know really without knowing what the state of your relationship was like and what you were telling her about it. If it was a couple of throwaway comments about him pissing you off I would think it an over-reaction. If it was a succession of nights out talking about you wanting to leave him etc I might feel a bit pissed off in her shoes: she might feel a bit used or she might just be a bit shocked at how rapidly you've changed your tune.

I know that with a baby on the way and things on the up you have to put the most positive spin possible on it and fair enough but it clearly was quite bad for you to be sharing detail about it with friends. I suspect you are slightly glossing over this now.

She certainly was very rude about it and handled it really badly and I would be pissed off in your shoes.

But I can see where she was coming from and honestly I would probably privately think the same.

I think your friend is bang out of order for saying that, and I would wonder if she's a friend at all.
Considering you haven't heard from her for months and she hasn't replied to your last text, she couldn't have been that bothered about your 'crumbling relationship' so why is she so bothered now?
Having a new baby, the pandemic etc causes a lot of stress and strain on couples and many people struggled during that time.
That's a really unsupportive message she's sent. Don't let her spoil your joy and celebrations. She sounds very bitter.

@Fezzco

Christ almost unanimous people saying they'd think the exact same. Makes me very glad I didn't speak to more than a couple of people. Honestly if one of my friends went through their first ever marriage difficulties during covid and were now nearly a year later announcing a pregnancy I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive. I thought people would be happy for me. I guess not

I agree! I think her comment was thoughtless, unkind and unnecessary. She could so easily have said "Great news! I am so glad that things have improved for you since our last chat." or similar!

Not sure this is a friend you need in your life really!

@Fezzco

Nothing bad happened between dh and I, just I think we both got snipey with each other, very tit for tat about everything, we were on top of each other constantly, tired stressed etc. It just got to the point I didn't want to be around him, and I thought it may be permanent but to be honest we both just needed some space and to start prioritising each other again and it has been good since. We talk more rather than just watch tv every night, we've had date nights and weekends away, just making time for each other outside of parenting. His job caused him a lot of stress, he got a new one which he's much happier in and significantly more money so we're in a better place all around and both are excited to grow our family.

So you did all the right things to work things out, well done both of you. Enjoy looking forward to the new arrival and do consider whether this person is really a friend or not!

OP I am gobsmacked at the responses that seem to think your friend's comment was acceptable, even valuable. Whatever your friend thinks - it's not friendship, it's malice, to put a bleak and pessimistic spin on something that is already done. And to reflect back at you the darkest time of your marriage. This is not a friend. Ditch her.

That way you can get on with feeling excited about your new baby and making your marriage as strong as possible. Lots of couples have wavered and come together again for many happy years together.

It's a exciting, optimistic period for you. Please don't let a mean-spirited friend suck the joy out of it for you.

Warmest congratulations on coming out of a hard period with your husband and on your pregnancy.

@Fezzco

Christ almost unanimous people saying they'd think the exact same. Makes me very glad I didn't speak to more than a couple of people. Honestly if one of my friends went through their first ever marriage difficulties during covid and were now nearly a year later announcing a pregnancy I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive. I thought people would be happy for me. I guess not

I think people could simultaneously be happy for you because it's a nice thing but also roll their eyes a bit privately about the speed of a pregnancy after troubles in a relationship. I paused conceiving (like actively took contraceptives) when my husband and I hit a rocky patch and that was while concerned about possible infertility- because it's about potential babys best interests being brought into a relationship soon after a rocky patch not my own interests of wanting one. Obviously we resolved things and had a baby but not for a while after. I do think a lot of people would think similar to your friend but not a lot of people would upset you by saying it. Especially if they had not spoken to you for ages.

But whatever people might think it is your life OP, you're happy and only you know the state of your relationship. If you know you're solid and you both want this then huge congratulations, celebrate and enjoy it and ignore her

Also having read more about what was wrong it doesnt seem like a big rough patch like mine was. It sounds pretty normal relationship bumps stuff. Perhaps this friend has gotten the completely wrong idea in your efforts to comfort her over her own failing relationship. Some people are just the wrong people to confide in and unfortunately you never really know for sure who they are.

As I say, ignore her and enjoy your pregnancy OP xx

My thoughts exactly

I thought exactly the same ,maybe there's something they both aren't telling you

It's hard to comment without knowing your history but I think your friend needs to learn about tact. She was obviously shocked but relationships change and she should perhaps have kept her doubts to herself until she met you in person instead of bullying you. With a reaction like that, just what does she expect you to do in your current situation other than be offended and feel crap?

I think she was out of order saying it . For all she knew it was an accidental pregnancy and you were trying to make the best of things . I think it's reasonable in a close friendship to ask how a friend feels about pregnancy, but I don't think a judgement statement like that is helpful .