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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

262 replies

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:00

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

OP posts:

NextThreadPlease · 17/02/2022 17:33

I had a friend who told me her relationship was falling apart. Within months they were having a baby. To be honest, I did think the same as your friend but I didn’t say it, I just hoped that it would all work out. If it was genuine concern, your friend would have worded it very differently, I think it’s very nasty. It’s a shitty response from her that she could be in no doubt as to how it would make you feel.

If you’re really happy though, it doesn’t matter.

diddl · 17/02/2022 17:34

"I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive."

A pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean that a marriage is surviving/will survive.

BurntO · 17/02/2022 17:35

I’d be thinking the same. Having a baby is one of the most stressful things a couple can do so I would be totally baffled. I wouldn’t message though….

Original poster

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:35

I get how it may look of course I do, it really wasn't, we weren't ttc, we use condoms 99% of the time but sometimes in the moment it gets forgotten and after a long awaited clomid baby I just didn't think there was much chance of it happening the way it has. I'm just sad that it's being made out to be something it isn't. Maybe I just need to suck it up!

OP posts:

2bazookas · 17/02/2022 17:38

We kept it very private I only confided at the time in a few friends.

IOW you didn't keep your marital problems very private at all.

She didn't know you'd recovered from them, hence her comment.

Arabellla · 17/02/2022 17:38

YANBU, she lost the right to have an opinion when she distanced herself.

ButtockUp · 17/02/2022 17:39

From your friend's perspective, you've had relationship difficulties and haven't kept in touch to say that you've worked through them.
So she probably, and rightly, is thinking that you're having a baby in the midst of relationship issues.

She's not to blame here.

Lack of communication is your issue here.

AnImposter · 17/02/2022 17:39

I think since your problems involved, a baby, money worries, lack of sleep.. id think you were nuts to double the load and I'd think the same as her, sorry OP!

dworky · 17/02/2022 17:40

Surely you see her point?
If the last time you properly spoke, you were sharing serious, longstanding issues, she is not being unreasonable to wonder how they are apparently resolved.

Original poster

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:40

@2bazookas

We kept it very private I only confided at the time in a few friends.

IOW you didn't keep your marital problems very private at all.

She didn't know you'd recovered from them, hence her comment.

I told my best friend who helped me through the whole thing and I told this friend during a night of drinks and her talking about her own relationship issues. How is that not keeping it very private?

OP posts:

Blossom64265 · 17/02/2022 17:40

It’s primarily an, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all situation.

It’s hard to say if your friend is being cruel or if she is just being honest. You say your friendship has recently ebbed a bit, but in the past, was it the kind of friendship where you could be truly honest with on another? That kind of friendship and closeness is rare and incredibly valuable. We do often bite our tongues and tell people what they want to hear.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 17/02/2022 17:41

I wouldn’t contact her again. An abrupt and unkind message

rainbowandglitter · 17/02/2022 17:42

Isn't it a cliche situation though? People have marriage difficulties, have a baby to fix it then it ends up even worse. I've seen it many times. I'd have thought the same thing but wouldn't have said it to you.

Shamoo · 17/02/2022 17:43

She’s a dick for sending that message, and I wouldn’t dignify it with a response.

Gowithme · 17/02/2022 17:44

If your having marriage difficulties the two people to speak to are your husband and a counsellor. Dragging friends and family into your issues and then expecting them to move on because you have is just not how life works IME.

Ponoka7 · 17/02/2022 17:44

A close friend should be able to say what she did, there should be honesty between friends. It should have been said in a more concerned way. Asking how you were etc. What did she hope to gain from her comment? That you'd agree and rush off to have an abortion? She's no longer a friend, so you don't have to engage with her and shouldn't take on board anything she has to say.

Bryonny84 · 17/02/2022 17:45

Your baby and relationship are more important that your "friend". She should be pleased for you if she's your friend. But it sounds like she isn't.

Movingonup22 · 17/02/2022 17:48

Sometimes mumsnet is insane.

That message is totally and utterly out of order.

Bin the friend and move on. It’s a surprise baby - maybe it will work out with your marriage maybe it won’t - but you’re going to have a wonderful new person in your life!

Onlyforcake · 17/02/2022 17:50

Because drunken ramblings about problems in your relationship is hardly a heart to heart. But she's overstepped a line as she / you have both let things slide. It's hardly helpful to be critical of your choice. She's obviously not likely to be supportive. Not worth the effort of explaining to her. You don't owe her, and you've got to crack on with trying to keep your marriage going with the added pressure of a baby, which obviously didn't make things easier during the last problems.

EssexLioness · 17/02/2022 17:51

She was a cow to send that message however I would be thinking the same thing. As a friend I would also be concerned about whether the stress of having another young baby would put more pressure on an already shaky relationship and find you being a single mum to two young kids. Maybe that was her concern too, although I think she should’ve been kinder in her response

godmum56 · 17/02/2022 17:52

I dunno....if you felt close enough to confide in her then I would have said she was close enough to make the comment.....But I am not a confider in ANTBODY

itsgettingweird · 17/02/2022 17:52

It's unkind.

It's fair enough for people to be concerned about the new baby knowing how tough things were.

However a) if she'd replied to you she'd have been aware you'd worked through things and b) if you don't keep in contact it's not on to text and judge.

Congratulations.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 17/02/2022 17:53

In my experience friends are friendly.

None of mine would ever speak to me like that and vice versa.

NumberTheory · 17/02/2022 17:56

It’s not a tactful message, and I can see it’s not the sort of message you wanted. But I don’t see it as a sign she’s not your friend. She’s clearly remembered that you were struggling and I’d read that message as concern this might end badly for you.

sunflowerstory · 17/02/2022 17:56

Her message is fucking dumb. What value does it add at this point? Is there a course of action she would like to see as a result of it, or is she just taking the opportunity to let you know she's judging you?

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