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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this upset you or is it fair enough?

262 replies

Fezzco · 17/02/2022 17:00

Been with dh 7 years and have one toddler together. We had some difficulties last year and nearly split, think lockdown was a bit of a pressure cooker and it was a result of a hard few years. We kept it very private and ended up working through it. I only confided at the time in a few friends.

One friend I confided in at the time I've grown more distant from in the last year, I've tried to meet up but we never seem to be free at the same time and we haven't seen each other, messages fizzled down to not many or not often. She didn't reply to my last message a few months ago, not an issue but it means when we found out I was pregnant (totally unplanned) she wasn't high on my list to tell

I posted a picture today just of toddler wearing a big brother jumper indicating that baby number is on the way. She messaged me basically straight away saying "Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I spoke to her about our issues when we met up during that time period, it was April last year. I'm a little upset for her to taint what should be happy news by bringing it all back up and acting like I'm having some band aid baby? AIBU to be upset or do I need to take it on the chin given that she knows we nearly broke up? It just kind of changed the tone of the news a bit, I don't know.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 19:58

"Seriously? How have we gone from a crumbling relationship to a pregnancy announcement? It's not going to make anything better."

I'd be so tempted to reply.
"Seriously? How did we go from you ghosting me to you deciding you can denounce my new pregnancy?"

& leave it at that.

It doesn't matter what she thinks - she was unnecessarily tactless & rude to actually sit & type those words.

AndrewPeacock · 17/02/2022 19:59

Sympathy OP. I've been there and get it, although no one ever said anything to me but I was really self conscious about it. DH and I had a really bad patch and had separated in that he moved out but we still did things reasonably regularly as a family and were trying to work it out and we conceived DS2.

I completely agree that babies will make things harder but he was the catalyst for us really fixing everything and our relationship has never been better (15 years now, had issues at 10 years). Just wanted to give you a positive story in amongst everything else. I hope it works out for you the same way it did for us.

Livelovebehappy · 17/02/2022 20:01

I really don’t see a problem with you being pregnant a year after going through a bad patch. I would imagine lots of couples all the time go through bad patches, and are still happily together years later. I’ve had a few in my 30 year marriage but still very happily married. She sounds a bit unpleasant, and I would just cut her off completely.

Gilly12345 · 17/02/2022 20:06

What she said was totally unnecessary and thoughtless however you may wish to reconsider who you tell your personal stuff to?

DonnyBurrito · 17/02/2022 20:08

I'd be fuming with a (barely) friend who had the audacity to shit on my pregnancy announcement like this. The state of your relationship is none of her fucking business, regardless of how much she was told in the past. How dare she!

I wouldn't even reply to her. She's clearly very judgemental and way too comfortable criticising your choices. Do you need a friend like this going ahead?

MischievousBiscuits · 17/02/2022 20:08

I would be annoyed. She should be there to support you, no matter what your decision was on how to proceed. You don't need judgement, you need support.
I do think it's probably coming from a good place, but not the right words.

Cocomelonearworm · 17/02/2022 20:13

I haven’t RTFT but I think your friend is a rude bitch and I would totally ignore her comment. She shows an astonishing lack of maturity to not understand that relationships can recover from what she terms “crumbling” - there are such things as rocky patches and many people work through them, that is how marriage works - and that generally having a new baby is something to congratulate your friends on, not shame them over. How dare she, I am genuinely quite outraged on your behalf!

Bunnycat101 · 17/02/2022 20:18

It’s a horrible message. If she was concerned she could have said congratulations and possibly ask how you were feeling about it, how things were going. Her message was totally uncalled for.

VodselForDinner · 17/02/2022 20:23

I’d think it, but I wouldn’t post it.

ButtockUp · 17/02/2022 20:23

@Fezzco

Nothing bad happened between dh and I, just I think we both got snipey with each other, very tit for tat about everything, we were on top of each other constantly, tired stressed etc. It just got to the point I didn't want to be around him, and I thought it may be permanent but to be honest we both just needed some space and to start prioritising each other again and it has been good since. We talk more rather than just watch tv every night, we've had date nights and weekends away, just making time for each other outside of parenting. His job caused him a lot of stress, he got a new one which he's much happier in and significantly more money so we're in a better place all around and both are excited to grow our family.
But did you regale all of this to your friend? This is the crux. If your friend wasn't party to the ins and outs of your relationship issues then she might rightly respond as she did.

You clearly want vindication.

BurbageBrook · 17/02/2022 20:29

She sounds like a bitch. YANBU.

Tilltheend99 · 17/02/2022 20:30

@Fezzco

Christ almost unanimous people saying they'd think the exact same. Makes me very glad I didn't speak to more than a couple of people. Honestly if one of my friends went through their first ever marriage difficulties during covid and were now nearly a year later announcing a pregnancy I'd be thinking I'm so happy they sorted it out when so many marriages didn't survive. I thought people would be happy for me. I guess not Blush
Don’t take it personally. Mums net is notorious for deciding all relationships are over at the slightest hiccup.
WTF475878237NC · 17/02/2022 20:30

Only a year later isn't long to have recovered and grown as a couple. If it was April last year and you're announcing on Facebook I assume that means you are 3m pregnant. She is thinking April to November is a quick turnaround and giving her the benefit of the doubt is trying some kind of tough love... obviously too late and really rudely!

PixieAndProsecco · 17/02/2022 20:31

I don't disagree with your friends thought process although she could have been more tactical.

Last April, 10 months ago, you told her you were having marriage difficulties and the marriage might be over.
10 months later you've announced a pregnancy and I am going to assume it wasn't as soon as you got a positive test - probably a few weeks down the line and you were pregnant around December time (if not earlier).

So in the space of 6 months, give or take, you went from "I think my marriage is over," to "we're having a baby".

RedRobyn2021 · 17/02/2022 20:33

I wouldn't think that OP, I'd think, I need to catch up with my friend we haven't spoken in so long.

The thing is all relationships have their ups and downs, it's obviously been a long time since you both had a chat, so she is definitely out of line.

FiftyStoriesHigh · 17/02/2022 20:39

I suspect there’s more to this. Is there a chance that from her POV she provided ample emotional support and advice, even when that started to feel like a real bind and then suddenly you go quiet when you don’t need her in that respect anymore? Because I know people like this and they’re bloody exhausting. (Not saying you are)

RAOK · 17/02/2022 20:40

I would 100% think it but I wouldn’t say it. She’s probably spent all of this time worrying about you and now feels foolish.

katepilar · 17/02/2022 20:47

What a nasty thing to say or even think! I guess its ok to wonder whether your relationship is now ok again or not and to think conceiving a baby as a plaster to a relationship isnt a good idea. But why did she assume the latter is the case for you and felt its her place to tell you off is beyond me.
Congratulations on being able to fix your marriage and on your pregnancy!

Flickflak · 17/02/2022 20:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

tkwal · 17/02/2022 20:51

Maybe she wasn't aware how things had improved and she's not someone who filters her thoughts before she speaks. I'd rather have someone upfront like that than someone who congratulates me but is silently thinking the same thing. The most important thing is that you're happy with your situation and I take it your DH is too. This probably won't have been the only bump in the road you face together but you know you can get through things together

katepilar · 17/02/2022 20:55

I just keep wondering what would have you considered not keeping it private, when keeping it private ment that you told a few friends?

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 20:59

Don’t take it personally. Mums net is notorious for deciding all relationships are over at the slightest hiccup.

This friend had already ghosted the OP for several months @Tilltheend99 - no need for mumsnet to make any proclamations. It's over!

Bromse · 17/02/2022 20:59

Fezzco, this is a problem when you tell people, with whom you are friendly, such personal things. When you have got over the problem and moved on, they have not forgotten, it still looms large in their consciousness.

Of course she shouldn't have said anything but she did, it's done. Just play it cool with her from now.

I believe we have to be careful who we confide in, not just for our own sakes but for theirs. Not everyone is equipped to deal with the big stuff.

ChargingBuck · 17/02/2022 21:01

@RAOK

I would 100% think it but I wouldn’t say it. She’s probably spent all of this time worrying about you and now feels foolish.
No she didn't! She's been refusing to respond to OP's messages for months.
chattycaterpillar · 17/02/2022 21:10

She sounds like a rude and horrible person OP.