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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with my OH who never bothers testing DSC

317 replies

ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:31

A few months after I'd just got out of hospital with my baby we were exposed to covid because OH nor his ex bothered to test DSC after DSC1 was identified as a close contact. DSC1 was eventually tested at my behest and was positive but luckily we managed to evade getting it. The other DSC remained negative too.

I was quite cross with OH and his ex about it, understandably I think, but all was fine in the end.

I told OH from then onwards if any of DSC had covid symptoms or are identified as a close contact he must test them before they come in. He agreed. I said I would be adopting the same rule with our DC, so if ours had any covid symptoms or were a close contact I would test them before exposing DSC as it's only fair.

Fast forward to now DSC have just arrived and 2 of the 3 have a hacking cough, the only one who isn't ill is the one who tested positive for covid at the end of last year.

The first I know about it is when they come in and within 5 minutes one is coughing and says he's been "seriously" unwell since Monday.

OH claims it's the first he's heard about it Hmm

Now I know many people aren't bothered about covid anymore and the rules are set to change etc but it's something that still bothers me as I am vulnerable and the vaccines don't offer complete protection.

We don't have any tests left over so will now need to get some for my peace of mind.

AIBU to be upset with OH?

OP posts:
KeepingAnOpenMind · 17/02/2022 16:33

YABU
Colds are a normal part of life.

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:35

@KeepingAnOpenMind

YABU Colds are a normal part of life.
That may be, but when you've lost a loved one to a particular "cold" and you're vulnerable yourself you're going to want to avoid it.
OP posts:
OwlNoises101 · 17/02/2022 16:36

Yabu. They are his kids. They don't have to pass a test to come in. If your kids had it, would you stop them coming in to your house?

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:37

@OwlNoises101

Yabu. They are his kids. They don't have to pass a test to come in. If your kids had it, would you stop them coming in to your house?
That's a moot point.
OP posts:
Chely · 17/02/2022 16:37

LTB

FairyCakeWings · 17/02/2022 16:41

How old are they?

It’s horrible putting reluctant young children through the tests for no real reason, so I can’t see why it makes much difference. If they’re not very well then they’re not very well, their dad is still going to need to parent them regardless. If minor illness worries you, you’re still going to need to do something to avoid it whether or not it’s covid.

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:44

@FairyCakeWings

How old are they?

It’s horrible putting reluctant young children through the tests for no real reason, so I can’t see why it makes much difference. If they’re not very well then they’re not very well, their dad is still going to need to parent them regardless. If minor illness worries you, you’re still going to need to do something to avoid it whether or not it’s covid.

Upper / end primary.

I can understand that most people wouldn't be too bothered but others nonchalance does nothing to abate my own worries iykwim.

What is nothing to some isn't nessecarily nothing to me and whilst I understand life has to go on in relative normality I do believe I still deserve some consideration.

OP posts:
Didioverstep · 17/02/2022 16:45

Sorry, yabu. As hard as it is and I understand why you want this. They are his kids and are allowed to go between homes even if they had covid during the tipping point of the pandemic. I agree they should stay home but there's not much that can be done. You wouldn't want your kids turned away from the other parents home if it was the other way round

DSGR · 17/02/2022 16:45

Sorry yabu. Kids have been through enough. You’re highly likely to come into repeated contact with Covid and not just through your kids. If he says it’s the first he’s heard of it what can you do?
Test them yourself if you want to, can you borrow tests from anyone?
And yes the rules are changing, we have to get out of the habit of testing now

OfstedOffred · 17/02/2022 16:46

Yabu.for all reasons already given. Life goes on, constant testing no longer necessary.

Toothsil · 17/02/2022 16:47

I agree OP. It's one of those situations where having it coming into your house COULD be avoided, it's slightly different to your own children having it.

Wootothewho · 17/02/2022 16:49

are the replies to the OPs post at the wind up? Of course the children should be tested, especially if they have symptoms, to stop the spread. OP you are 100% right.

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:49

I just want to point out that I wouldn't ban them from the house, additional precautions would be taken on my end if needs be.

I could've gone to my DM's with the kids with enough notice if one of them were to test positive again.

It wouldn't eliminate the risk transmitted from them to OH and then to us but it would minimise it enough for me to be satisfied that I'd done what I can.

After the agreement we reached which I feel was perfectly acceptable, I feel taken the piss out of.

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 17/02/2022 16:50

Of course you deserve some consideration. Nothing you’ve said implies that you aren’t being considered though.

If you think it’s a moot point when it’s pointed out to you that the children will still have to be in their Dad’s home whether or not they test positive, then I assume you agree with that and will be exposed to their illness either way.

So what difference does it make if they do a test?

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:51

@Wootothewho

are the replies to the OPs post at the wind up? Of course the children should be tested, especially if they have symptoms, to stop the spread. OP you are 100% right.
Thank you

I feel completely gaslighted to be honest.

"Nobody cares anymore so you shouldn't care if you / your kids are put at risk"

"Their his kids so you and yours don't matter"

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:52

@FairyCakeWings

Of course you deserve some consideration. Nothing you’ve said implies that you aren’t being considered though.

If you think it’s a moot point when it’s pointed out to you that the children will still have to be in their Dad’s home whether or not they test positive, then I assume you agree with that and will be exposed to their illness either way.

So what difference does it make if they do a test?

I don't mean to be pedantic but it's technically my home.

I would, however, have been prepared to go to my DM's with the kids if he'd have bothered to give me the option in advance.

The test makes a difference because then I have the nessecary information to make an informed choice about whether or not I'm comfortable being around them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:55

Common colds - not an issue.

Covid - is an issue.

A prior test means any anxiety I have about the covid situation can be 1) channelled appropriately into taking the nessecary precautions 2) worries put to bed.

It's not much to ask for or expect IMO.

OP posts:
LottyD32 · 17/02/2022 16:58

Yanbu op. They should be tested, and if positive, stay where they are. How on earth is it acceptable to spread it to two households, just because technically it's legal?

And op has a small baby, if I read correctly?

Your oh and the ex are out of order, imo.

Petsop · 17/02/2022 16:58

Haha you don’t like the answers do you?

Sorry, YABU

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 17:00

@Petsop

Haha you don’t like the answers do you?

Sorry, YABU

Nope, fortunately some people have common sense so I can easily brush off the obvious bias as we all know how MN feels about step parents Wink
OP posts:
Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 17:00

@LottyD32

Yanbu op. They should be tested, and if positive, stay where they are. How on earth is it acceptable to spread it to two households, just because technically it's legal?

And op has a small baby, if I read correctly?

Your oh and the ex are out of order, imo.

Thank you Lotty, yes I have a 3mo baby
OP posts:
MzHz · 17/02/2022 17:01

@Didioverstep

Sorry, yabu. As hard as it is and I understand why you want this. They are his kids and are allowed to go between homes even if they had covid during the tipping point of the pandemic. I agree they should stay home but there's not much that can be done. You wouldn't want your kids turned away from the other parents home if it was the other way round
If my own dc had covid there is no fucking way I’d send him anywhere

So yes, he gets turned away from his step parent house if you want to get all “stepmums are witches” about it, and it would be fine

I wouldn’t put them in that position in the first place.

shouldistop · 17/02/2022 17:02

Would you stop your children from coming home if they had a cough? It's not a moot point or are you saying it's not your step children's home?

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 17:04

@shouldistop

Would you stop your children from coming home if they had a cough? It's not a moot point or are you saying it's not your step children's home?
That's irrelevant because they live here full time.
OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 17/02/2022 17:04

Fair enough. It is fair for you to expect your OH to tell you that the children had symptoms as soon as he knew. I’m not sure that it’s fair for you to force them to test just because I know a lot of children that hate it and it has no benefit to them.

Did your OH know earlier in the week that they weren’t well so you could have had time to make a plan to stay elsewhere? If he knew they were ill and didn’t tell you, then I can understand why you’re upset.

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