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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with my OH who never bothers testing DSC

317 replies

ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 16:31

A few months after I'd just got out of hospital with my baby we were exposed to covid because OH nor his ex bothered to test DSC after DSC1 was identified as a close contact. DSC1 was eventually tested at my behest and was positive but luckily we managed to evade getting it. The other DSC remained negative too.

I was quite cross with OH and his ex about it, understandably I think, but all was fine in the end.

I told OH from then onwards if any of DSC had covid symptoms or are identified as a close contact he must test them before they come in. He agreed. I said I would be adopting the same rule with our DC, so if ours had any covid symptoms or were a close contact I would test them before exposing DSC as it's only fair.

Fast forward to now DSC have just arrived and 2 of the 3 have a hacking cough, the only one who isn't ill is the one who tested positive for covid at the end of last year.

The first I know about it is when they come in and within 5 minutes one is coughing and says he's been "seriously" unwell since Monday.

OH claims it's the first he's heard about it Hmm

Now I know many people aren't bothered about covid anymore and the rules are set to change etc but it's something that still bothers me as I am vulnerable and the vaccines don't offer complete protection.

We don't have any tests left over so will now need to get some for my peace of mind.

AIBU to be upset with OH?

OP posts:
EllaVaNight · 17/02/2022 18:34

You wouldn't want your kids turned away from the other parents home if it was the other way round Surely the point is it shouldn't come to that. If my son has covid symptoms I test him. If he was positive I'd keep him home and explain to his dad. I've had to do this on one occasion. I wouldn't not bother to test him and send him anywhere regardless be it his dads/school/activity/grandparents etc. His dad would do the same.

EllaVaNight · 17/02/2022 18:35

Also even if contact still took place it's better to know so precautions can be put in place. But then that's just basic common sense to me.

bananaramaroo · 17/02/2022 18:36

We'll, at least he asked and had the conversation.
If they have symptoms dp should take them for a PCR. LFT are for symptomless testing.

greenbirds · 17/02/2022 18:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's just common sense and courtesy to avoid spreading covid between the two houses.

QueenofDestruction · 17/02/2022 18:40

I would be fuming, OP has said she is vulnerable and is entitled to diminish risk to herself. I can't believe some of these posts on here, its like the next line will be.. you married a man with children and if so you should suck it up vulnerable in regards to covid or not, because if you catch it and die its just the risk you take as a stepmother. What is wrong with people , people catch Covid and die especially vulnerable ones AND even some healthy ones.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 17/02/2022 18:42

YANBU Personally I wouldn't be bothered but that's not the point.

They said they'd test them and they haven't. You're entitled to have boundaries and they clearly aren't prioritising you. It's a respect thing.

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 18:43

I'm sorry you had to deal with that shit. Thanks it was back in the early days of the pandemic and resulted in me having to move out my own home for 2 weeks.

We have it now and mum's insisting they come over as usual. DH is doing his best to say it's not a good idea but I'm expecting them dumped on our doorstep again this weekend

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 18:44

It's just disrespectful.

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 18:44

They've just been getting ready to go home (only came for their tea and a few hours) and OH was like "let's all say bye then, DSC give DD a hug"

This is how fucking stupid he is. DSC is ill with what could possibly be covid, has been coughing for the duration and actively feels like shit, and OH is telling him to give our DC a hug.

I can't believe some of these posts on here, its like the next line will be.. you married a man with children and if so you should suck it up vulnerable in regards to covid or not, because if you catch it and die its just the risk you take as a stepmother

I know right? It's crazy making, pure gaslighting and wouldn't be acceptable in any other situation.

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 17/02/2022 18:45

What are you going to do in a few weeks time when free testing stops?
Whatever it is, do that.

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 18:46

@ShiroMiso seriously I thought that was a bit overkill until about a week ago. Now I'd do anything to go back in time to stop my parents hugging my LO.

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 18:47

I can't believe some of these posts on here, its like the next line will be.. you married a man with children and if so you should suck it up vulnerable in regards to covid or not, because if you catch it and die its just the risk you take as a stepmother you should head over to the step parenting board when the pandemic was in its early stages..it basically was this

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 18:48

@Aposterhasnoname

What are you going to do in a few weeks time when free testing stops? Whatever it is, do that.
Catch covid and get very very ill?
Alliswells · 17/02/2022 18:51

It's actually not and you are being extremely unreasonable

Stressedout1009 · 17/02/2022 18:52

They've just been getting ready to go home (only came for their tea and a few hours) and OH was like "let's all say bye then, DSC give DD a hug"

I hope you stopped them! yanbu at all. I would be really pissed off at being put in this position.

Aposterhasnoname · 17/02/2022 18:53

Catch covid and get very very ill?

By no means guaranteed, especially if vaccinated, but, like it or not, testing is ending soon and people are going to have to get on with it, or hide away forever. And before you start with your “don’t care about the vulnerable” routine, both my parents and my daughter are CEV.

Penvelopey · 17/02/2022 18:55

@Aposterhasnoname

Catch covid and get very very ill?

By no means guaranteed, especially if vaccinated, but, like it or not, testing is ending soon and people are going to have to get on with it, or hide away forever. And before you start with your “don’t care about the vulnerable” routine, both my parents and my daughter are CEV.

I currently have covid and am very ill. Not very very ill yet but very ill. Am triple vaxed.
AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 19:03

I do get the reluctance. Mine were traumatised by the tests and if I were the DM I would outright refuse to subject them to it again if they were anything like mine.

As testing is ending soon you should make a plan long term to protect your baby as they are unvaccinated and so young. But this is a unfortunate side effect of multiple children. They are gross and pick up everything.

Aposterhasnoname · 17/02/2022 19:05

I currently have covid and am very ill. Not very very ill yet but very ill. Am triple vaxed.

Your point? I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, and I’m sorry you’re ill and all, but people get ill all the time, many times in their lives.

Alliswells · 17/02/2022 19:05

You're going to have a very miserable life if you are on tenderhooks like this over dsc hugging his sibling when they'd already been in the same house

Don't let Covid and the last 2 years interfere with your child and his siblings relationship. Just don't.

You may have worries about Covid, but you have to be able live your life and have normal family relationships otherwise .... Well what's the point of it all?

Just calm yourself about Covid. You just have to. For your sake as well as for your child having a normal life.

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 19:05

I hope you stopped them! yanbu at all. I would be really pissed off at being put in this position

I was in the bathroom at the time but heard him as clear as day, I called out "don't be telling him into giving people hugs when he's ill"

OH then appeared at the doorway and said "oh no it's ok he didn't want to give her a hug anyway he gave her a high five"

As an aside that's another bugbear I have. Every time they come he insists they all hug before they leave. Its an awkward and inconvenient routine that none of the kids appreciate, least of all his older ones.

I've told him multiple times he can't insist they hug one another, if they want to then they will, it's not something that should be forced.

like it or not, testing is ending soon and people are going to have to get on with it, or hide away forever. And before you start with your “don’t care about the vulnerable” routine, both my parents and my daughter are CEV.

I don't think many people are hiding away even now. The vulnerable are exercising their right to take precautions and test whilst testing is available, when it ends it ends and we'll all have to deal with that and amend our expectations accordingly.

It may well be that when testing is no longer available I insist that anybody who's currently ill with a hacking cough stays away until they're better, which is totally my right and perfectly reasonable.

That rule will apply to everybody from my friends to my mother. My house my choice.

Until that point, whilst testing is available I expect it to be taken up when whomever is ill and wants to come around me and my baby.

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 17/02/2022 19:05

In relation to the flu, I have my flu jab every year.

Did you not have your covid jab then?

It's crazy making, pure gaslighting and wouldn't be acceptable in any other situation.

Expressing the view that children’s needs matter more than their step parents is not gaslighting. It’s just disagreeing with you.

Original poster
ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 19:06

@Alliswells

You're going to have a very miserable life if you are on tenderhooks like this over dsc hugging his sibling when they'd already been in the same house

Don't let Covid and the last 2 years interfere with your child and his siblings relationship. Just don't.

You may have worries about Covid, but you have to be able live your life and have normal family relationships otherwise .... Well what's the point of it all?

Just calm yourself about Covid. You just have to. For your sake as well as for your child having a normal life.

I'm relatively calm.

It's not something I fret about unduly.

I go about my life the same way as anybody else, the only difference (which isn't really a difference at all) is that I'm cautious when somebody has covid symptoms and they're coming into my living space.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 17/02/2022 19:07

I can't believe the replies from so many saying YABU!!

OP, YANBU. You know you have a DH problem though. Nobody should be moving between houses when they actually have covid symptoms.

ScarlettSunset · 17/02/2022 19:08

YANBU.

I'm shocked by so many replies saying that you are.

There's loads of posts on MN saying things like 'oh well, when isolation ends vulnerable people will just have to do whatever they can for themselves to not catch it', and yet here you are, trying to do just that and being given a hard time.