Annoyed with my OH who never bothers testing DSC

[ShiroMiso]

A few months after I'd just got out of hospital with my baby we were exposed to covid because OH nor his ex bothered to test DSC after DSC1 was identified as a close contact. DSC1 was eventually tested at my behest and was positive but luckily we managed to evade getting it. The other DSC remained negative too.

I was quite cross with OH and his ex about it, understandably I think, but all was fine in the end.

I told OH from then onwards if any of DSC had covid symptoms or are identified as a close contact he must test them before they come in. He agreed. I said I would be adopting the same rule with our DC, so if ours had any covid symptoms or were a close contact I would test them before exposing DSC as it's only fair.

Fast forward to now DSC have just arrived and 2 of the 3 have a hacking cough, the only one who isn't ill is the one who tested positive for covid at the end of last year.

The first I know about it is when they come in and within 5 minutes one is coughing and says he's been "seriously" unwell since Monday.

OH claims it's the first he's heard about it

Now I know many people aren't bothered about covid anymore and the rules are set to change etc but it's something that still bothers me as I am vulnerable and the vaccines don't offer complete protection.

We don't have any tests left over so will now need to get some for my peace of mind.

AIBU to be upset with OH?

@FairyCakeWings

In relation to the flu, I have my flu jab every year.

Did you not have your covid jab then?

It's crazy making, pure gaslighting and wouldn't be acceptable in any other situation.

Expressing the view that children’s needs matter more than their step parents is not gaslighting. It’s just disagreeing with you.

I'm triple vaxxed, as was my late loved one who passed from covid.

As for flu, I don't particularly want that in the house either.

You say the children's needs matter more than the step parents. What about my children then? Should their health come secondary to the step children's right to see their father under this roof?

YANBU

Remember many posters lie for attentiondon’t live in the real world and don’t realise the impact that covid has - not only from a physical health perspective but also from a mental health or financial perspective.

Not everyone is ok having to isolate for 10 days - they might struggle with their MH, getting food in, not being paid etc - so they of course take steps to reduce the risk of catching it.

You know dp ex is an anti vaxer so she is not going to test. So lft the kids as soon as they arrive and do your own too at same time.

I agree! My dps kids came here quite obviously poorly, they hadn’t done a test and had been showing symptoms for 4 days before coming to ours. I tested them and they were positive. My dp caught it and was really poorly and spent two nights in hospital. His ex wouldn’t let me take the kids back claiming she didn’t want to risk catching covid - although the risk would have been there the 4 days beforehand.

It really annoyed me because they aren’t my kids to look after, dp came home and was still too ill to do anything, I don’t have children so my work weren’t understanding whatsoever about me needing to stay home to look after kids and didn’t pay me. His ex took annual leave that week and casually mentioned it had all built up so she just had a peaceful week.

My newborn babies health, and my health, trumps the DSC need to come here for contact and I'm not even sorry for saying it.

As I said prior I would've taken my DC to my DM's given enough notice, but that would be a courtesy on my part more than any obligation.

Some of the replies on here are fucking mad.

When my step parent was having treatment for a serious illness, I didn't visit if I had a cold/sickness bug etc.

I was just a child but my need to see my parent didn't outweigh the risk to my step parent's health.

Most kids wouldn't want to make their step parent, or in this case, baby sibling, potential seriously unwell just to pop in for tea?!

Those saying "What did you do before covid and the children were ill?" Personally if my son was at mine and had, say, a stomach bug, I kept him here until the recommended time of 48hrs since the last bout of d or v occurred. His dad did the same. This was for our son's comfort and to minimise transmission.

In a happy and loving blended family then I’d expect their needs to be treated equally and if you wouldn’t expect your own children to leave the house for the sake of your baby if they come home from school with covid then you shouldn’t expect your step children to miss out on their time with their dad either.

You’ve admitted that this isn’t a happy blended family though, so understandably you’re prioritising your own children over the children that you know aren’t going to be your family for much longer.

Yanba in relation to the DSC when baby was a couple of weeks old. DP should have been told so that either you and baby could go elsewhere or he could have with DSC.
In relation to this time, just playing devils advocate as none of us know Ex. She should have told your partner but perhaps after looking after DSC all week she wanted a break. When parents are still together and your child is sick you look after together or take in turns. When you've split resident parent has to do it all, why shouldn't nrp take over on their days??

I agree some of these posts are bonkers, fortunately I have a thick skin and can see through it.

Some people are so hell bent on disagreeing with a step parent for no reason other than the fact they're a step parent, that they're prepared to make themselves look like a total idiot just for the sake of sticking the boot in.

@ShiroMiso

It may not be your step kids' PERMANENT home but it is their home just as much as it is yours and your childrens' and your DH's actually

It's my house, in my name and I pay the rent.

You might be alarmed by the "Me/Mine" attitude but as is usually the case in relationships where the woman feels disrespected, this isn't an isolated incident and there's a history of me being steamrolled over and disregarded.

So, respectfully, I'm going to say that no this isn't their home because in all likelihood we won't be together in the near future and I'm not happy about being put at risk for a relationship that is already on the rocks.

The vaccines as effective as they are didn't prevent one of my loved ones losing their life despite being fully vaccinated.

Sure covid might not be serious for babies in most cases but who in their right mind wants their baby to get covid on that basis?

You never know how it's going to affect somebody.

Well YABU of course from your OP but that does change it a little bit but if that's the case surely just end it now?

Just to put your mind at rest I don’t know anyone who had a cough or just had a small cough with this new variant of covid.

Many people have a cough at the minute but everyone I know has had negative test results.

@ShiroMiso

I agree some of these posts are bonkers, fortunately I have a thick skin and can see through it.

Some people are so hell bent on disagreeing with a step parent for no reason other than the fact they're a step parent, that they're prepared to make themselves look like a total idiot just for the sake of sticking the boot in.

Sorry you can't possibly know that. I get this issues in your relationship but putting up the "you're only disagreeing with me because I'm a step parent" drawbridge is pathetic as people have made good points on both sides.

Well YABU of course from your OP but that does change it a little bit but if that's the case surely just end it now?

It's not quite that simple, he would need to find somewhere else to live permanently and I could do with the extra pair of hands whilst youngest is so small. I'm under no illusion he would want 50/50 shared care so I might aswell make the most of the practical support while it lasts.

@WonderfulYou

Just to put your mind at rest I don’t know anyone who had a cough or just had a small cough with this new variant of covid.

Many people have a cough at the minute but everyone I know has had negative test results.

Thank you that is good to know

YABU. And I say that as a regular supportive parent on the step parenting board.
I have no intention of testing my kids any further. Enough already.

@sassbott

YABU. And I say that as a regular supportive parent on the step parenting board. I have no intention of testing my kids any further. Enough already.

I respect your decision, just please be considerate of the fact other people have the right to refuse entry to their homes if parents won't test their kids.

Expressing the view that children’s needs matter more than their step parents is not gaslighting. It’s just disagreeing with you. it's a very shit message to send children.

I can understand you not wanting them to come over if they have a hacking cough but insisting they are put through uncomfortable, intrusive and unnecessary testing is disgusting imo. I can't believe your partner and his ex even agreed to it.

@Aposterhasnoname

I currently have covid and am very ill. Not very very ill yet but very ill. Am triple vaxed.

Your point? I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, and I’m sorry you’re ill and all, but people get ill all the time, many times in their lives.

It could have been avoided if someone had done a test and picked it up and isolated

And I've only ever been this ill once in my life before

@Lavender24

I can understand you not wanting them to come over if they have a hacking cough but insisting they are put through uncomfortable, intrusive and unnecessary testing is disgusting imo. I can't believe your partner and his ex even agreed to it.

Fucking hell calm down, it's a nasal swab not a colonoscopy

Fortunately for me, my exh isn’t cohabiting with someone who has that right to exercise over our children. And nor am I. So our children move between their homes.

And if anyone doesn’t want my children in their home, of course I respect that. And of course I would be considerate of it. But my children would be under no onus to return.

It’s clear you have wider relationship issues here. Which is not uncommon in blended step family situations. The step parenting board is full of them. I’ve been one (pseudo) via a mid term relationship.

Take your house back and implement your rules. It’s your right, you pay for it. If I was your OH I’d quite happily leave so I could implement what worked for me and my children. 🤷🏽‍♀️

@Lavender24

I can understand you not wanting them to come over if they have a hacking cough but insisting they are put through uncomfortable, intrusive and unnecessary testing is disgusting imo. I can't believe your partner and his ex even agreed to it.

It's literally just a stick up the nose. My LO is so used to it now and even tries to do it themselves.

@Penvelopey I really hope you feel better soon

Its a horrid disease for many, unfortunately those voices are drowned out by the "I'm alright Jack" crowd.