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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to buy my own Engagement ring with the money we'll save by not paying Council Tax in Feb and March

107 replies

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:19

We've been together about 6 years, we have 2 children everything is perfect, I'd like to put the icing on the cake by getting engaged for our anniverary.

Dp says we will do it but he wants to be the one to ask me when i'm least expecting it - I expect it almost daily because I think he must be ready any day now, if hes not ready after 6 yrs when will be. I want some stability for our children, I want to be his wife, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Should I just buy the ring so all he has to do is ask me!?!

It's not the way i'd like things done but otoh I'd actually like it to happen........

OP posts:
Baffy · 02/01/2008 11:17

After reading you later posts, it really doesn't sound like he wants to get married at all. And things like his parents saying that you have to have a church wedding etc... no wonder he is getting put off.

There are valid legal reasons why you should get married. Read some of the threads on here.

Morningpaper's and lulu's posts are good.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 11:18

I guess I will try not to talk about it what's another 6 mths on top of 6 yrs I know he loves me I know we don't have the money even for a quick reg office wedding so no point getting upset over him not wanting to.

I do know the more I go on the less he will want to and I can't blame him for that.

OP posts:
gr1973 · 02/01/2008 11:18

re financial situation - what would happen to the house if something happened to you?

wheresthehamster · 02/01/2008 11:22

Even if he proposed tomorrow you are saying that you might not get married for another 4 years. You need to get wills sorted out and provision for dd1 before then.

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 11:24

OK this is not legal advice but I think goes somethig like this:

If you died, he would be homeless, have huge amounts of debts, probably lose DD1, and have little rights over what happened to your body, and have no entitlement to benefits.

If you were married, he would possibly be entitled to stay in the family home with both children and receive widower's benefits which come to nearly 500 per month.

It's a no-brainer to me.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 11:27

No brainer to me too MP!

OP posts:
morningpaper · 02/01/2008 11:30

You can do it for less than the cost of your engagement ring.

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 11:31

Getting engaged and waiting for another good few years won't change that situation though. If it was purely about the legal side then the ring and the engagement etc wouldn't matter.
It isn't purely about the legalities.

pooka · 02/01/2008 11:41

Exactly - rather than buying an engagement ring, use the cash to get married.
His parents might offer to pay for a church, but the expense of that kind of wedding would result in a hefty financial burden on you and your dp.
Truthfully, is it marriage or the wedding that you are hankering after? If the wedding, then is much harder to arrange without big expense, and your dp may be less inclined to get married if it will involve a big day.

dooley1 · 02/01/2008 11:42

My dh didn't see the point in getting married either.
I made it quite clear that I wanted to and that it was important to me and he proposed with that in mind.
he knew it would make me happy and he says that's all he's ever wanted to do.
For me it's more a case of why doesn't he want to get married when he knows you do so badly.

hanaflower · 02/01/2008 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 11:51

VS - No it's not all about the legallities some of it is about me being a girl who wants to have a wedding, a once in a lifetime experience it doesnt have to be expensive or big but I do want my family there, I have 5 brothers and a sister they all have partners and children i have 4 parents and my grandparents, i'd like my aunties there as they are close to me as are my cousins and my dp would want his family there - his family would be really upset if we didnt invite them I doubt his mum would forgive us for not inviting her side, we've already told his dad his side won't be coming (the last wedding we went to on their side dp's uncle turned up looking like frank from shameless and stood swearing about the traffic and taxi driver in the middle of the church while the happy couple were signing the register!)

I want it to be a day to remember, i'm happy to get dresses 2nd hand for less than £50 etc but its the amount of people that would come we would have to pay to feed them and that's where most of the money would be spent. I feel our famillies are who have made us into the people we are and have helped us with our relationship over the years so I think it's important for them to be there.

OP posts:
hanaflower · 02/01/2008 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 11:56

LoveMyGirls, I'm the same as you, I want a special wedding, because for me it symbolises much more than a signing of contracts.

I think personally, you should talk to him one last time.

Explain how much it means to you, and that you understand it isn't his kettle of fish, and that maybe you have pushed him away from the idea with the constant (as he probably sees it anyway) mention of it.

Tell him you won't mention it again for another year, but you'd hope in that time he can really consider it, if not for what he wants to do, but to both make you happy and cover the legal issues at the same time.

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 11:59

Your family can still come to a big party, but you can't afford the wedding you are dreaming of, and your DP doesn't want it. I think you have to be realistic.

Exactly.

I had a wedding last year which I considered to have a lot of "frills" (flowers / wedding dress / bridesmaid dresses / catering for 100 people / confetti / champagne / decorated cars / 3-tiered cake) - it cost less than £500.

Why not suggest that sort of thing to your DP and see if he will agree to that?

You are going to have to compromise somewhere along the line - personally I would compromise and think about the bigger picture - i.e. financial security for your chlidren.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 12:02

Mp we wouldn't even end up paying for the wedding anyway because both our famillies have already said they would chip in but he has to want to first and as we have estabilshed he doesn't actually want to I have said my new years resolution is hoepfully to be engaged this time next year so in a round about way i've said i'm giving him a year to propose. I haven't gone into a deep converation about it for about 6mths now he knows how I feel and how important it is to me.

OP posts:
MacavitysCat · 02/01/2008 12:05

But it's an empty threat LMG. There's no point saying you've given him a year to propose and then not doing anything when he doesn't. You've already said you won't leave him so make an empty threat?

You really really need to let this one go. If he wants to marry you he will propose, if he doesn't he won't.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 12:10

Humm I guess i hadn't thought of it like that MC - probably seems silly, I just assumed he would do it at some point never thought past what I would do if he didnt

OP posts:
MacavitysCat · 02/01/2008 12:11

Try to put it out of your mind. You are together, you have children, you are happy. That's an awful lot more than a lot of married people have. Enjoy what you have rather than looking around for something that might not make any difference to you anyway.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 12:12

Maybe I should start another thread and see how many people think i'm being unreasonable if I was to with hold blow jobs until we're married

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 12:14

Do it!
Tell him that you really want him to do it, you understand his point about it not being something he is really favourable towards, explain the legal side and that it's just something you want him to do for you, in return you will agree to something he really wants that you have previously refused. (of course it doesnt haveto be sexual, but he is male )

looneytune · 02/01/2008 12:16

LMGs, I'm going to be totally honest with you here as your FRIEND........DON'T get the ring, PLEASE!!! I paid for my own ring as dh never had the money for one. Dh is the sort who would never get round to proposing or anything (he was nearly 40 at the time and I think felt nervous due to past experiences) so one night when we were tipsy, I mentioned it and he said he'd like to get married . Somehow, I don't remember how, we agreed to get engaged and went out together to buy the ring and then he proposed on one knee in town centre. Wasn't that romantic proposal from him I would have liked but it didn't really matter to me, I was just happy to be engaged to him. HOWEVER.....you and your dp have had discussions about this, he's blown up before, not that long ago. DON'T nag him, you've talked and he wants to leave it til he decides. If he comes up with excuses that aren't really proper excuses then buying a ring will probably just make him really annoyed again.

IF you have to buy the ring, YOU propose. Otherwise, talk about getting 'engaged' and choosing a ring together with that money but with a long wait for the wedding.

I also agree about a proper wedding not being realistic. I know your circumstances and it was very hard with us and we didn't even have children then. My BIL and his wife got married cheaply, I found her dress on ebay, they had a meal at a restaurant and I've even heard of people asking the people coming if they'd mind paying i.e. some people tell their family that they are getting married but can't afford a reception but would love the family there to celebrate if they wouldn't mind paying for their part of the meal or something. If it's just family, I'm sure they'll understand and just be happy for you.

I DO feel for you as I understand how you feel but putting pressure on him won't help! {{{ hugs }}} LT xx

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 12:16

Have you thought about discussing this in a neutral environment e.g. Relate? It sounds like it might be really helpful.

edam · 02/01/2008 12:16

Oh, I sympathise. Dh pulled the "I want to surprise you" line on me. Cue six bloody months of me thinking WHEN are you going to surprise me, exactly? And being rather grouchy a lot of the time. For heaven's sake, once you've made the decision to get married, you are hardly going to forget all about it!

By the time he finally did propose, I was very pissed off with him.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 12:24

If we had loads of issues and were arguing i'd go to relate but then I wouldn't be so keen to marry him lol I don't think its worthy of going to relate, we are very very happy im just abit fustrated he doesn't see how important it is to me.

OP posts: