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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to buy my own Engagement ring with the money we'll save by not paying Council Tax in Feb and March

107 replies

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:19

We've been together about 6 years, we have 2 children everything is perfect, I'd like to put the icing on the cake by getting engaged for our anniverary.

Dp says we will do it but he wants to be the one to ask me when i'm least expecting it - I expect it almost daily because I think he must be ready any day now, if hes not ready after 6 yrs when will be. I want some stability for our children, I want to be his wife, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Should I just buy the ring so all he has to do is ask me!?!

It's not the way i'd like things done but otoh I'd actually like it to happen........

OP posts:
lulumama · 02/01/2008 11:01

if you buy the ring , even with money you have saved, he is still going to be worried, if that is his nature, if it is about the security for you and DD, then a cheap and cheerful registry office do is the way to go, IMO

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 11:02

Baffy, I do feel a bit like he is the one in control, he knows I want it so he witholds it that makes me sad because like you said I've given him everything to show him how much I want to be be with him.

OP posts:
pooka · 02/01/2008 11:02

I think that you could have a day that your children would remember even if you got married in a registry office.
£100. Party frocks. All friends and family there. Then out for a meal or barbecue/party at home.
Lots of fun, no long-term saving for one day.

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 11:03

I find all this talk of 'surprise proposals' quite baffling and a bit peculiar for grown women to be worrying their little heads about

Sounds like you are at an impasse - if he doesn't believe in marriage then why on earth are you expecting him to propose?

Seriously, I would point out your legal position (terrible) and get down to a register office pronto. You don't have to have any of the trappings of marriage if he doesn't want it - rings/vows/big party. But you should sort out your legal position.

lulumama · 02/01/2008 11:04

LoveMyGirls on Wed 02-Jan-08 10:56:18
He says he doesn't believe in marriage he thinks getting married means being miserable that us not being married means we are together because we want to and enjoy being together not because we declared to be with each other forever.

so , forcing his hand , and buying the ring is only going to give credence to his fears.. that marriage is all about what you want, and he will become miserable and sublimated

i think that you need to both have a proper talk, where you both listen to and take on board the others fears

but the legal issues do need adressing

wannaBe · 02/01/2008 11:04

I think not wanting to marry someone who wants to marry you is a rejection. And I too would think about whether you're happy to stay like this or whether you still have a future together.

Marriage is important to some people, just because it isn't to some it shouldn't be underestimated.

clumsymum · 02/01/2008 11:04

"I've asked him loads of times over the years, he always says no I want to ask you"

Oh love, you are not giving him chance are you?

I suspect he wants to feel ready to ask. Her wants to surprise you, but you always pre-empt it by asking/telling him it's what you want.

Make yourself a resolution now. Give him, say, 3 months without mentioning it at all. If he still hasn't proposed, perhaps get a good friend to GENTLY nudge him.

But my love you are in danger of immasculating the poor bloke altogether if you carry on like this.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 11:04

That's the other thing as well, he knows I won't leave him over it, why would I want to marry someone so much then because he doesn't want to I would split my family up and not be with him at all, that would be insane, so i'll stay with him in hope that one day he will want to marry me too (of course I want him to WANT to)

His parents have already said they don't want us getting married in a reg office and that they will pay for a church.

OP posts:
hanaflower · 02/01/2008 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 11:05

LMG, some people just do not believe in marriage. I don't think it is fair to make someone do something they don't agree with.
Sure, it's not fair to have all the control and say 'I don't like it so we won't do it' but if it is that important to you to be married with children then maybe you should have said earlier on 'I refuse to have children unless I get married' so you both knew where you stood.

I understand how you're feeling, but there is a difference between not doing something you dont want and doing something you dont want iyswim.

hanaflower · 02/01/2008 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 02/01/2008 11:07

marriage is in no way as much of a commitment as having hildren, if you're committed enough to have children, there's no reason why you shouldn't get married.

if my dh hadn't wanted to marry me, I would have questioned whether he actually loved me and saw a long-term future with me.

MacavitysCat · 02/01/2008 11:08

Rather than going on to him about marriage perhaps it would be a better idea to make sure that you are protected financially in the event of his death/you split up etc.

Is everything you own in joint names?

Do you and your dp have a will? If not, get one done now.

Do you have life insurance policies?

If he doesn't want to marry you then the least you can do is to protect yourself and your children in case things go wrong.

WanderingTrolley · 02/01/2008 11:08

He says he wants to do it and he wants to surprise you. He says he doesn't believe in marriage. He thinks that because other people he knows break up after their engagement, the same will happen to you and him.

He's prevaricating.

It's very sad, but it really sounds as if he doesn't want to get married. This doesn't mean he won't ever feel that way, or he isn't serious about your relationship. Does he know how much it means to you? Can you find middle ground?

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 11:09

wannabe it all depends on how you view marriage.

I have quite a few friends that feel it is an outdated religious ceremony and that promising things in front of God is ridiculous, taking away the religious side of things and doing it in a registry office is, to them, pointless.

If it is for legal reasons you can cover your backs in ways other than marriage.

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 11:10

Wannabe I think your posts are a bit bonkers too TBH It is a perfectly valid position for someone NOT to want to be married. It doesn't mean it is a personal rejection of YOU. It is just one difference among many that make up a relationship. You have to compromise all the time - this is just another thing that some people have to compromise about.

RubySlippers · 02/01/2008 11:11

I think WT has summed it up well

some of his fears are pretty common and could be worked through so perhaps you need to do this together

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 11:11

We don't own anything the house is in my name all our debt is in his name. We don't have a will or life insurance.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 02/01/2008 11:11

VS you can't cover all legal benefits of marriage - for example a married wo/man's right to widow's benefit, or the waiver of inheritance tax.

claraenglish · 02/01/2008 11:12

Message withdrawn

FlossALumpOfPud · 02/01/2008 11:12

oh thank you so much for pointing out no council tax for those months!! Perhaps an extra week of mat leave for me! Hurray! I'll never ask DP to marry me. He has to ask me. I could be sat here a v v long time. But I ain't doing it!!

claraenglish · 02/01/2008 11:15

Message withdrawn

ninedragons · 02/01/2008 11:15

Getting a will is more important than getting a ring.

gr1973 · 02/01/2008 11:15

I agree with clumsymum - give him a bit of time without mentioning at all. If he's worried about the cost of a wedding why not just start saving some money anyway (you can start off with what you save in council tax each month). You can have a lovely day to remember forever without spending a fortune. One of the very best weddings I went to was 'done on the cheap' - it was great fun and the bride and groom had an amazing time. It was a fairly big wedding too.

In the meantime, I would concur with everyone else that you need to make sure your legal situation is rock solid though. With or without kids it can be a nightmare if a couple splits up or if someone dies. I've had my fingers burned badly before and think that no-one should ever think about moving in together without seeking some legal advice!

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 11:15

You're right morningpaper, I hadn't thought of those, That's my friends argument not mine! Personally I believe wholeheartedly in marriage, but for someone who doesn't I doubt widows benefit would be enough to get them to change their mind.