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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to buy my own Engagement ring with the money we'll save by not paying Council Tax in Feb and March

107 replies

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:19

We've been together about 6 years, we have 2 children everything is perfect, I'd like to put the icing on the cake by getting engaged for our anniverary.

Dp says we will do it but he wants to be the one to ask me when i'm least expecting it - I expect it almost daily because I think he must be ready any day now, if hes not ready after 6 yrs when will be. I want some stability for our children, I want to be his wife, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Should I just buy the ring so all he has to do is ask me!?!

It's not the way i'd like things done but otoh I'd actually like it to happen........

OP posts:
isaidno · 02/01/2008 10:22

it's not very romantic is it?

lalalonglegs · 02/01/2008 10:22

No, you shouldn?t?

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 02/01/2008 10:23

Do not buy the ring. It is control freakery beyond control freakery it really is.

I am Mrs Organised and even I did not get involved, bar a discussion about which month would be ideal and even then he brought it forward by a month to keep me on my toes.

LoveAngel · 02/01/2008 10:23

No. DON'T DO IT. Propose to him, by all means, but don't buy your own ring for him to propose to you with. Just don't do it, please!

lalalonglegs · 02/01/2008 10:23

Don?t know where that question mark came from.

LittleBellasRingingInTheNew · 02/01/2008 10:25

No, don't buy your own ring.

It's a gift from him. If you buy it yourself, you're taking away all the symbolism it has when he buys it for you.

WanderingTrolley · 02/01/2008 10:25

Propose to him, then choose the ring together.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:26

I've asked him loads of times over the years, he always says no I want to ask you............but does he really? 6yrs ffs I feel I'm waiting for something that will never happen and i'm feeling more and more like he doubts i'm the right one even though everything else shows me i'm the only one he wants. Marriage just isnt important to him but it really is to me. I feel i've been patient, i've given him everything I can, even changed my name and the dc's names to be the same as his now i feel a fool because if I hadn't done that then he may have been a bit more tempted to get married.

OP posts:
hanaflower · 02/01/2008 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FioFio · 02/01/2008 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 02/01/2008 10:27

Do not buy the ring, however................................it is a leap year.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 02/01/2008 10:28

Fio

RubySlippers · 02/01/2008 10:29

going on my own vast (!) experience, men will propose when they want

they hate the pressure and the expectatation IMO

can you have a calm discussion with him about it?

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:30

I never row with him over it, I just feel really disapointed if i'm honest.

OP posts:
FioFio · 02/01/2008 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hanaflower · 02/01/2008 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fireflyfairy2 · 02/01/2008 10:31

No way!!

Does he know how you feel about this?

anyway, if you're already living together & have children together, you already have his name.. what difference will spending money on a ring & a wedding make?

RubySlippers · 02/01/2008 10:31

tell him that ... maybe he has no idea just how much it means to you, and he feels everything is just lovely the way it is

in your OP you say everything is perfect

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 10:33

you sound a bit bonkers about it TBH - why are you playing controlling games about it?

you are both grown-ups

discuss it and do it if you think it is sensible

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:35

Dd1 isn't biologically his child (though she is in every other sense, he is the only dad she's ever had) if anything were to happen to me he has no legal rights, I don't even know if he will ever be able to adopt her without us being married. I just feel it would be lovely to be able to call him my husband or refer to myself as his wife, instead of boyfriend / girlfriend. I want us to be legally joined together.

OP posts:
hanaflower · 02/01/2008 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:37

Mp - I dont think it's fair to say I'm bonkers because I want to be married?

I just think if i was to buy the ring he wouldn't be able to use money as an excuse not to do it. He was the same about having dd2 he was worried about the money I think.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 02/01/2008 10:38

calling someone your husband as opposed to partner makes no difference to your relationship

also, me and DH don't always wear our wedding rings

I think you are right to think about the issues surrounding your children and marriage is one way to tackle it

i still think a calm, rational discussion is what is needed by you both

hanaflower · 02/01/2008 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 10:40

You aren't bonkers for wanting to get married, you are bonkers for encouraging some fantasy where he drops onto one knee and sweeps you off on his horse.

He probably has no rights at all over DD1 and you should find out your legal position - I'd present that to him and tell him you need to get married ASAP. What if something happened to her and he couldn't authorise medical treatment or something like that? What if he died and you had absolutely no rights over his body/finances, had to sell the house to pay the tax bill and had no right for widow's benefits because you weren't married?

An engagement ring is not really the issue, is it?