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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to buy my own Engagement ring with the money we'll save by not paying Council Tax in Feb and March

107 replies

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:19

We've been together about 6 years, we have 2 children everything is perfect, I'd like to put the icing on the cake by getting engaged for our anniverary.

Dp says we will do it but he wants to be the one to ask me when i'm least expecting it - I expect it almost daily because I think he must be ready any day now, if hes not ready after 6 yrs when will be. I want some stability for our children, I want to be his wife, it doesn't have to be expensive.

Should I just buy the ring so all he has to do is ask me!?!

It's not the way i'd like things done but otoh I'd actually like it to happen........

OP posts:

wannaBe · 02/01/2008 10:40

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be married. but I think buying your own engagement ring will leave your dp feeling pressured into a commitment he perhaps doesn't feel as strongly about as you do, and what if he then said no? how much would that hurt?

Tbh I would sit down and have an honest discussion with him about it. Tell him how strongly you feel about wanting to be married to him, and give him the chance to be honest about his feelings/reasons for not wanting to be married.

IMO if someone is committed enough to have children then they should be committed enough to get married, but that's just my opinion. but I do think that if you feel strongly about marriage, then it is a big deal.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:42

We've talked about it loads.

What would you do if marriage was important to you but the person you love and have built a life with just doesn't want to? So i just never get married that makes me feel really sad to think i've never been important enough to someone for them to want to marry me.

With gettitng engaged it feels like a step nearer to marriage otherwise why would people bother? I'm happy not to get married for another few years as we would need to save money first but i'd like to know we're going in the right direction.

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 02/01/2008 10:45

Ruby: it does make a difference if it will make her feel more secure about her family.

The problem is, I suppose, that he feels there is no real incentive to get married. My dh and I were together for 8 years before marrying because we decided that we wanted to be married to have children ( at old-fashioned sentiment). You already have children together, you already live together and he just doesn?t understand your reasoning. I?m with everyone who says talk to him about it ? if it really matters to you, then it should to him as well but some people are very obtuse about this. Lost count of people who have said that they can?t understand point etc etc.

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 10:45

Maybe your big wedding fantasies are scaring him?! Waiting for a romantic 'perfect' proposal, savings for years for a big do?

Honestly, you are MUCH more secure financially if you get married. You are basically shafted if anything happens to either of you and you are not married. It doesn't need to cost more than a hundred quid. Just do it and worry about the big party at a later date. If you are struggling financially then a big expensive wedding makes no sense.

Kimi · 02/01/2008 10:45

Its a leap year, you ask him.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:45

I'd even just buy the ring and have it put away unmtil he is ready, i'm not saying buy the ring and make him propose, i'm saying buy it so when he is ready he hasn't got to worry about buying it, he is a worrier especially about money.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 02/01/2008 10:46

honestly? I would wonder if they felt as strongly/committed about the relationship as I do. Because marriage is in part a confirmation of one's love for one another, the engagement is a symbol that you are going to spend the rest of your lives together. If someone wasn't bothered about marriage, ie they just didn't think it mattered one way or the other, then they would surely still be prepared to take that step knowing how the other half felt about it, but not being willing to take that step at all would say to me that perhaps he is against marriage for certain reasons and that it's not an indifference to marriage but an opposition to it.

if that makes sense?

MacavitysCat · 02/01/2008 10:47

If he wants to get married he'll propose.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 02/01/2008 10:47

Maybe suggest that you get married with just two witnesees.

Maybe the whole circus that getting married can turn into, is putting him off. ??

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 10:47

The engagement ring is irrelevant. It is just part of your uber-bridal-fantasy.

lalalonglegs · 02/01/2008 10:48

Sorry, cross posts. Didn?t realise you had already discussed this to death. Can understand your sadness ? I think getting married does make a difference. One last go on Feb 29th (without buying your own ring).

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 10:48

What are his reasons for not getting married?

Kimi · 02/01/2008 10:48

my cousin did not want to commit to marriage but did want to be a daddy, his other half said no ring no kids, one wedding and two children later they hate each other....

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:48

MP I don't want a big wedding it would only need to cost a lot but I do have a big family and I would like them to be there as I only want to do it once! We aren't rich so it would take us a couple of years to save even a couple of thousand.

OP posts:

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 02/01/2008 10:49

Morning Paper beat me to it.

hanaflower · 02/01/2008 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubySlippers · 02/01/2008 10:52

fair point Lala

i am married myself, but i also know that prior to our engagement DH was being mightily pissed off by the pressure on him about when he was going to propose etc ...

i think whoever said that you need to ask him why he doesn't want to get married has hit the nail on the head

right now, you are so upset because you so want to and can't understand why he doesn't

morningpaper · 02/01/2008 10:53

You want to (1) get married and (2) have a big wedding that you can't afford

and he wants to (1) get married but (2) doesn't want a big wedding because you can't afford it

I woud just do the thing you can agree on and (1) get married

WanderingTrolley · 02/01/2008 10:54

lol at kimi '...they hate each other'

Do NOT buy a ring and put it away for when he is ready. That very act will ensure he is not ready for a looooong time.

I think he wants you to back off so he can surprise you, or he plain doesn't want to get married.

Original poster

LoveMyGirls · 02/01/2008 10:56

He says he doesn't believe in marriage he thinks getting married means being miserable that us not being married means we are together because we want to and enjoy being together not because we declared to be with each other forever.

Thing is my parents are divorced so you would think it would be me who would be against marriage but his parents have been together about 27yrs and are still very happy.

He says anyone he knows our age who got engaged then broke up. But we are not everyone else and we don't actually know anyone apart from 1 bloke at dp's work who has got engaged and fallen out recently. We are both 26 in an ideal world I'd like it if we were married by the time i'm 30 when our children will be old enough to remember being bridesmaids (like I was for my mums and my dads 2nd marriage - seperate obviously, I will remember those memories forever)

OP posts:

Kimi · 02/01/2008 10:57

Are his parents married? Does he have a bad take on marriage? What are his reasons for not wanting to?
Seems odd to me that he will have children with you but not marry you.
I think he is being very cruel.

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 10:57

LoveMyGirls, I've only read the first few posts but you remind me of a friend of mine.
She constantly talked about marrying her then partner, she wanted it really bad.

So much so I even said to her DP once 'when are going to bloody propose huh?' and he laughed, and told me he wouldn't propose when she expected it because he wanted the proposal (and the surprise) to be something she could remember in years to come, he also wanted to see the look on herface, he said thatthe only way he could really see it is if she didn't have it in the back of her mind.

In the year after I asked him they went on a beautiful holiday (she expected to beasked then), they went to V festival (she expected to be asked then) they went for posh meals and weekends away for their anniversary, for her birthday for new year, every time she was expecting to be asked.

Then, she was supposed to be coming to meet me and some of our girl friends at the pub one night when he got in from work and said he was starving did she want to pop to the italian round the corner for some dinner first, she had a couple of hours to meet us so she did. At 9pm we all got a text message, he had finally asked her, even we cried!

They had their engagement party, they got married etc within a year of the engagement, and it was all perfect, that was all he wanted, to surprise her, but he couldn't because she expected it at every turn!

Let him surprise you, it will make it more special, if you buy your own ring you may as well just march him into the registry office next time you're in town and tell him to wed you.

Baffy · 02/01/2008 10:58

LMG I totally understand where you're coming from. The issue here is the fact that this means so much to you and your dp is refusing to acknowledge your feelings. In fact, I believe he is the one retaining the 'control' for himself.

You've changed your name and given him every sign of your love and committment. In return you would now like to get engaged as a way for him to show he feels the same. So why won't he do it...
(million dollar question!)

I really don't know what you can do in this situation. You can't make him propose. Nor would you want to force him into it.

He obviously knows how strongly you feel. But the only thing I suggest is talk talk talk - but not in a negative way. More so that you can explain why you feel so strongly. In return, you can ask him to explain why he is stalling and whether he has any fears or worries.

You really need to listen to each other and try to see each other's point of view.

He could well just be being stubborn because he knows how much you want it. It happened to friends of mine. She was obsessed with marriage and it somehow put him off. She made herself not mention it for 6 months. And she managed it. He just propsed on Christmas Eve

I do understand how this must be making you feel though.

VictorianSqualor · 02/01/2008 10:59

Hmmm, I justread your last post

If he doesn't want to get married then you can't force him.

MacavitysCat · 02/01/2008 11:00

It really doesn't sound like he wants to get married so I think you need to decide whether what you and he have now is enough for you. If it's not then you might want to think about your future together. I know that sounds harsh but there is no point forcing/nagging a man into marriage (or anything else he doesn't want for that matter). He'll be off as soon as he gets the chance.

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