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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 16/02/2022 17:13

Not at all unreasonable. Is there a reason she is so insecure?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 16/02/2022 17:14

Ask him if it is April 1st already!!
Or tell her she can buy it off you and suggest a ridiculous amount of money!!

Thereareliterallynonamesleft · 16/02/2022 17:14

Definitely not unreasonable! There’s nothing to stop her being Mrs Ex’s surname.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/02/2022 17:15

What a twat!!
Tell them both to jog on

WeirdlyKind · 16/02/2022 17:15

No, she's the one being weird about it imo! There must be thousands of people with the same name. Changing yours may also have practical consequences for travel and such (ime some countries are weird about people travelling with kids who don't have the same surname!)

DiddyHeck · 16/02/2022 17:15

Of course you're not being unreasonable, it's your surname. If she's not happy to have the same name as you, she can always ask him to take hers.

KirstenBlest · 16/02/2022 17:15

Keep your name as it's the same as DD's and because you don't want to.

Nothing to do with your XH's DP

Spongecakeandcoffee · 16/02/2022 17:16

Yanbu.

What a weird and cheeky pair. The name doesn't belong to him.

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2022 17:16

Your Ex could take her name if she doesn't want to have the same name as you

NotMyGenderGoblin · 16/02/2022 17:16

Message back and say that you'd be more comfortable if his partner kept her nose out of things which are absolutely nothing to do with her, and that there is nothing to stop your exH taking her name if they need to have the same name and it not be yours.

Unless of course your ExH made it clear at the outset that you were only entitled to his name for as long as you were together and no other woman wanted it, in which case morally you should probably give it back.

DirtyDancing · 16/02/2022 17:16

What so she can have the same name as your kids and you don't? She does know that it can be used more than once right?

It's up to you, it's nothing to do with her. Literally I wouldn't even enter into a discussion about it. It's nothing to do with them.

Jellybean23 · 16/02/2022 17:17

The new wife must be havin' a larf. It's nothing to do with her and she can use her married name regardless of what you call yourself.

gogohm · 16/02/2022 17:17

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. I've not bothered changing my name either. If I remarry then I will change it then. Dp's ex hasn't changed her name.
In the real world many people don't, too much hassle and unlike in fiction, we don't all hate our ex's

Onlywomengivebirth · 16/02/2022 17:17

I think it’s odd to keep it. But I think it’s odd to change it in the first place when you marry. But for what it’s worth, I think it’s odd of the new wife to ask you!

I guess you could consider if you’d ever change it again if you got married? That might tell you how wedded (sorry) you are to the name in the first place!

The short answer is that I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It is your name.

Opti2021 · 16/02/2022 17:17

The absolute audacity!
It's your name, you didn't borrow it from him, you changed your name once married and that became your new name.
I'd tell them to piss off!

Natty13 · 16/02/2022 17:18

If you did change your name, in the future I imagine people would assume she was the mother to your DC so another reason not to.

RandomMess · 16/02/2022 17:19

I kept married name, preferred it to my maiden one and yes my DC wanted me to have the same name as them as well as vice versa.

Keep it.

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:19

It's a very common name too. Think 'Davies' kind of thing. Tbh I was so taken aback that I don't actually know how to respond. They seem to think it's a very reasonable request. I feel like I'm losing my marbles trying to digest this one 🤣.

OP posts:
HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 16/02/2022 17:19

Give him 3 options

A - she gets over it and you all 3 and your daughter have the same last name

b - he takes her name so they match but he will no longer have the same last name as his daughter

C - you change your name back but you change your daughters at the same time either to yours or double barrelled

Alicenwonderland · 16/02/2022 17:20

I completely agree with you, it's much better to have the same surname as your children. Maybe suggest that you change your surname to your maiden name and the kids too, see what he says to that! 😜

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/02/2022 17:20

I had this exact scenario. Told them to jog on. Twats.

AdaColeman · 16/02/2022 17:20

She's being absolutely ridiculous!

Ignore, or send a postcard "Rude letter to follow"!
Or perhaps suggest that she retains her present name, against the day she and your Ex split up in their turn! Grin

Everydayimhuffling · 16/02/2022 17:20

People don't get to take back a name. He could always -shock, horror- change to hers if they want a different "married name" to you. It's yours now, not just his.

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:20

@Natty13

If you did change your name, in the future I imagine people would assume she was the mother to your DC so another reason not to.
That's a good point. I hadn't even thought of that!
OP posts:
PeanuttyButter · 16/02/2022 17:21

Tell him you will give it back if he gives you back the last (insert number here) years that you were married. Can’t do that? Then sorry you can’t give back his name.