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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
100problems · 16/02/2022 17:36

I would have a strong urge to reply

"No"

From Mrs Davies the Second (assuming his DM is the first, so soon to be DW can be Mrs Davies the Third)

Ekekekeke · 16/02/2022 17:37

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.
Because they have children with that name. Why should OP have a different name form her children?
SpidersAreShitheads · 16/02/2022 17:37

@givethatbabyaname

You can say yes to your ex, on condition that your DD changes her surname to your maiden name too
^^This is what I was going to suggest. Or as an alternative, double-barrelling yours and your DD's name.

Personally, I've always found it strange that women without DC want to keep their ex-h's name after the divorce. The shared name is a symbol of your partnership, and now that you're split, however amicably, it's a bit odd to want to keep something like that.

The only reason that makes sense (to me) is the desire to have the same surname as any DC. I wouldn't be impressed with the stepmum having the same name as my DD but having a different name myself.

Having said all of that, I absolutely wouldn't let the exH dictate to me what to do with my name. In your shoes OP, I'd compromise by offering to change if he consents to DD changing too, or else it's no deal.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 16/02/2022 17:38

DH's ex wife has kept the name, and I mostly don't care, other than the rather awkward moment when her notes and my notes were confused at the GP surgery. Shock

NotMyGenderGoblin · 16/02/2022 17:38

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Give him 3 options

A - she gets over it and you all 3 and your daughter have the same last name

b - he takes her name so they match but he will no longer have the same last name as his daughter

C - you change your name back but you change your daughters at the same time either to yours or double barrelled

No option that involves a double-barrelled name is a good one.

I'll go with your A and B, but C - you ask them to make you a very large cash offer to relinquish your name and compensate you for the hassle / paperwork.

SpiderVersed · 16/02/2022 17:38

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it
It's not just her ex's name, it's her name. It became her name the moment the OP took it. It's also her daughter's name.

OP, your Ex is outrageous to ask you to change your name - it's not a gift he gave you he wants back, ffs.

MarchCrocus · 16/02/2022 17:39

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it
You could've prevented this situation by giving your children your surname, instead of that of another woman.
NuffSaidSam · 16/02/2022 17:39

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.
Why?
AnotherEmma · 16/02/2022 17:39

Very cheeky of him to ask.

But... how old is your daughter? Do you like your maiden name? Would you consider changing your surname and your daughter's to your maiden name? She could have his surname as a middle name.

If you want to do that, you could suggest it to him, as you'll need his permission to change DD's name.

If you don't want to do it, keep things as they are and tell them to jog on. He can change his surname to hers if they want to share a surname.

CoastalWave · 16/02/2022 17:40

@justustwoandmoo

It's a very common name too. Think 'Davies' kind of thing. Tbh I was so taken aback that I don't actually know how to respond. They seem to think it's a very reasonable request. I feel like I'm losing my marbles trying to digest this one 🤣.
Think they've lost the plot!!!

I've had my married name now 12 years. If we ever split up, I would just keep it because, as you say, the kids have that name. It wouldn't occur to me to change my name back to my maiden name.

It's YOUR name. New wife will just keep to get a grip!! Say you don't know how to respond, you need time to think. And then reply later on saying you're so used to the name now, it's become you. Sorry you're not going to change it.

SpikeySmooth · 16/02/2022 17:40

Tell them to bog off.
Call yourself what you wish.

Wiredforsound · 16/02/2022 17:41

My friend took her first husband’s surname when they got married. They split up and she remarried, but she kept her first husband’s surname, mainly because it is a brilliant surname! The point is, anyone can call themselves whatever they want. You could change your first name to his fiancées first name for a laugh if you wanted (though probably wouldn’t recommend it 😂).

anotherheadache · 16/02/2022 17:41

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash you'd be pissed off that a mother wanted to have the same name as her children? Are you an actual child?!!

CoastalWave · 16/02/2022 17:41

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.
That screams of insecurity to me.
Terfydactyl · 16/02/2022 17:41

@justustwoandmoo

It's a very common name too. Think 'Davies' kind of thing. Tbh I was so taken aback that I don't actually know how to respond. They seem to think it's a very reasonable request. I feel like I'm losing my marbles trying to digest this one 🤣.
Search on 192.com or similar or Google surname popularity andvsend them the link. Surely when they see there are 60 million Smith's or Davies' they will retract.
mumwon · 16/02/2022 17:41

traditionally when addressing letters etc as a divorced woman you would be Mrs Mary (your Christian name) Smith
She would be Mrs John (your ex's or her husband's name) Smith
Therefore she should use your ex's/ her new husband's first name
I think it maybe the same for widows' too (digs in ancient memory for formal titles)

MajorCarolDanvers · 16/02/2022 17:42

She's being very silly.

Politely decline and leave it at that.

StripeyDeckchair · 16/02/2022 17:42

My response would be that I'd change my name once he signed the paperwork for our daughters name to be changed to the same as mine.

Be interested to know what his response was.

alwayswrighty · 16/02/2022 17:42

I mean it's bizarre she cares tbh. Not like you're passing yourself as his current wife.

I'm not sure I'd respond tbh. Also I found it a right faff when I changed to my maiden name after divorce worse that I got remarried and took husbands surname 3 years later, wish I'd kept maiden name

People get worked up about the most ridiculous things.

Hemelbelle · 16/02/2022 17:42

It is a very odd request. It is none of her business what you call yourself and I'm at a loss as to how it impacts her in any practical sense at all. It would certainly impact you to change it back.

AllTheSunshine · 16/02/2022 17:42

Oh dear.
I hope it isn't a taste of things to come.
It's a pity that your XH allowed himself to be persuaded to even pass the message on. It's also a bit cowardly tbh.

Liesovertheocean · 16/02/2022 17:42

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Give him 3 options

A - she gets over it and you all 3 and your daughter have the same last name

b - he takes her name so they match but he will no longer have the same last name as his daughter

C - you change your name back but you change your daughters at the same time either to yours or double barrelled

This ^^
LivingNextDoorToNorma · 16/02/2022 17:42

I completely agree with Dixiechickonhols , it’s been your name for almost all your adult life. By this point it’s your identity as much as his (for as long as you want it to be).

My mil has been divorced 30+ years, she kept the name as it’s the same as my dh. To be fair fil has been married and divorced another two times since then, so being ‘Mrs XXX’ isn’t that special anyway 😂

HalfShrunkMoreToGo has given some great suggestions for options going forward.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2022 17:42

Why doesn't he change his name to her surname if he's thinks its a problem instead of being a cheekyfucker and asking you to go through the hassle (and expense!) of changing your name.

I bet he hasn't even thought of the cost of it - and I bet he won't offer to foot the bill!

LesLavandes · 16/02/2022 17:43

Just ignore him