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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Loti92 · 17/02/2022 14:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wulfenite · 17/02/2022 14:57

Harking back a bit, I hate when people are snotty about kids having double-barrelled names, like it's only the super posh who do it or something. We gave our son both our names - eg he's Thomas Smith Jones, but not hyphenated, so his surname is just Smith Jones. People do hyphenate it but we all survive. DH's grandparents always just call him Thomas Jones but it doesn't matter really. DH and I were both going to take that as our surname too but so far have been too lazy (and had ongoing citizenship stuff going on under our own names) so have stayed Smith and Jones but we still both share a name with our son. It's worked for us although my tolerance is high for name mistakes because my own surname is not British and is almost invariably either spelled wrong, pronounced wrong, or both.

I would never have removed my own name though was prepared to add one, but I have no opinion on those who do and I think it's really weird to think women are strange to want to keep a name they've had for years!

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 14:57

Oh damn, the thread is almost full, OP if you have anymore updates start a new one, I'm interested to know if they drop it now you've said no or keep pushing!

Glitterygreen · 17/02/2022 14:58

@T00Ts

Fine *@Glitterygreen* but that ship has sailed. OP has had this name for 19 years. She chose to take on her husband’s name and marriage and now it’s her name. Why is that so hard for people to grasp?
It isn't for me, I've said a couple of times that I understand completely why OP doesn't want to change it as it's her daughter's name. I do totally get it.

But I just can't get on board with all these comments from other posters completely denying that taking a man's name on marriage is anything to do with him or the outdated patriarchal customs surrounding certain things in our society.

tribpot · 17/02/2022 14:59

I think your response was more than fair @justustwoandmoo - a very firm thanks but it's not what I want to do.

Hopefully they will let it drop as it is bonkers, but I think if they don't, I would use the Priti Patel "I consider the matter closed" line.

BuddhaForMary · 17/02/2022 15:01

My married name is my name. I chose to take it, and when I did, it became mine.

This a million times over. You don't have to 'give the name back' because you didn't HAVE to take it in the first place. You take it because you want to, you keep it for the same reason. OP doesn't have to make 'an argument for keeping it', it's her bloody name!!!

PseudoplasticFluid · 17/02/2022 15:02

I wouldn't have taken a husband's name, but seeing as you did, and the children have that name too, then I wouldn't change it back again. It would be a massive pain in the arse, especially when it comes to travel. It's a bit much asking you to do that really. He doesn't own the name. And it wasn't a gift that he can expect to be returned.

Belladonna12 · 17/02/2022 15:04

It's massively cheeky to ask you to change your name. If they think it is a problem for you all to have the same name then they should change their surname. I'm amazed that anyone thinks their request is reasonable. You wouldn't think we were in the 21st century.

BoredZelda · 17/02/2022 15:06

That would be my approach but I'm looking at it in the context of the amicable relationship they have.

The moral high ground is all very well but I think for the sake of their ongoing relationship it's better to be firm but polite and constructive.

Nothing to do with a moral high ground, it’s about women having to explain their decisions for no good reason. If their relationship is amicable that works both ways and her ex should be capable of just accepting her saying no. Why is it OP’s responsibility to “keep it polite?” Yet another scenario where the peace is only kept if women act a certain way. Why isn’t he keeping the peace by telling his ex this is a wholly unreasonable request?

BoredZelda · 17/02/2022 15:09

*his fiancée

OVienna · 17/02/2022 15:10

It's just something we feel should be between a married couple.

we my arse.

This would be my response if he writes back:

"Perhaps it isn't such a good idea to take a man's name on marriage, given you never know how things are going to work out, and maybe I should have insisted on DDs being double barrelled (or just having my surname)! But it's too late now from a professional standpoint - I am known by this name - as well as personal. The horse, as they say, has bolted!"

(I felt good writing that even though OP really doesn't need my advice.)

viques · 17/02/2022 15:13

I would ask her if she has also requested that his mum, his granny, and any aunts by marriage change their names as well.

KateMcCallister · 17/02/2022 15:14

@Wulfenite

Harking back a bit, I hate when people are snotty about kids having double-barrelled names, like it's only the super posh who do it or something. We gave our son both our names - eg he's Thomas Smith Jones, but not hyphenated, so his surname is just Smith Jones. People do hyphenate it but we all survive. DH's grandparents always just call him Thomas Jones but it doesn't matter really. DH and I were both going to take that as our surname too but so far have been too lazy (and had ongoing citizenship stuff going on under our own names) so have stayed Smith and Jones but we still both share a name with our son. It's worked for us although my tolerance is high for name mistakes because my own surname is not British and is almost invariably either spelled wrong, pronounced wrong, or both.

I would never have removed my own name though was prepared to add one, but I have no opinion on those who do and I think it's really weird to think women are strange to want to keep a name they've had for years!

Same here. I'm assuming you're probably from the same country as me, originally (or one of you is!) where this is the norm.

I cannot fathom why anyone thinks that the OP's exh owns the name and somehow it is "his". No one owns any name, I could change my surname tomorrow to Windsor, it doesn't mean I'm married to Harry 🤦🏻‍♀️ some of the replies on here are baffling.

QuirkyTurtle · 17/02/2022 15:15

@BoredZelda

That would be my approach but I'm looking at it in the context of the amicable relationship they have.

The moral high ground is all very well but I think for the sake of their ongoing relationship it's better to be firm but polite and constructive.

Nothing to do with a moral high ground, it’s about women having to explain their decisions for no good reason. If their relationship is amicable that works both ways and her ex should be capable of just accepting her saying no. Why is it OP’s responsibility to “keep it polite?” Yet another scenario where the peace is only kept if women act a certain way. Why isn’t he keeping the peace by telling his ex this is a wholly unreasonable request?

Usually I'd agree but this time I wholeheartedly disagree. The request is clearly not coming from the ex, but from their new fiancee. It obviously comes from a place of insecurity. This woman is going to be OP's children's stepmother. I don't understand why women can't show basic human kindness to each other in these situations and say 'I understand where you're coming from but I decline because of this and this reason'. It's not to justify her actions to a man, it's to be kind to a person who is going to be in her life for a considerable amount of time.
jellybeans · 17/02/2022 15:17

I'm keeping mine until kids all 16/18 then will change back. Just easier.

Turquoisesea · 17/02/2022 15:17

My DSis kept her married name and got divorced 16 years ago! Her DS was 10 at the time and she didn’t want a different surname from him. Her ExH was married before he met my sister and has been married and divorced after my sister too. Good job she didn’t do it on the say so of the future wife as she is an ex wife now too!

Waspie · 17/02/2022 15:18

@Lux523

Aaaaand I rest my case considering a majority of the defensive and sad responses from said women. You all beautifully illustrated my point.

For the record, I was married for 20 years and had 3 children with my ex-husband. I dropped the surname after the divorce because I was no longer his wife and the strength of my own name was more than enough for me.

Caveat, I absolutely appreciate those ladies who due to abuse would never go back to their maiden name.

So if you have all this strength in your own name why did you change it in the first place?

I've never changed my family name. My son has my family name too because I am his mother. My civil partner has his name. He could change it to ours if he wished I suppose but I've never met anyone who cares that we have different family names.

OVienna · 17/02/2022 15:18

The OPs response was perfectly polite, @QuirkyTurtle. Unless you're commenting on the suggestions for what she SHOULD say which have come up.

PinkTonic · 17/02/2022 15:19

@Lux523

I'm firmly of the thinking that if the surname you're carrying is by virtue of marriage, and you then get divorced, the married name goes too.

I'm divorced. My children still carry what was my married name. I carry my maiden name. We are still very linked and bonded. I think it sets a healthy boundary and actually is for the benefit of my children to help them to understand that their father and I are now divorced. I am still their Mum and I have strength and identity in my own name.

I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name.

That was your choice and your opinion. I think it’s pretty offensive to imply that women who choose to keep the same name when they divorce are sad, angry, bitter or any other patronising and negative adjectives which have been bandied about on this thread.

I would be extremely interested to know how many of your ex husbands would have agreed to take their new wife’s name and not keep the same name as their children. I’d bet not many.

Chocolatehamper · 17/02/2022 15:21

I took my first husband's name and dropped it like a hot potato when we divorced - because I didn't want anything to do with him, not because I was giving it back, no kids so no issue.
However, I chose a new name to use - not my maiden name.
When I remarried (big mistake!) I never took his name (must have known!) but have taken my now husband's name and have children with him so we all - ex wife, step children, our children - share a name. No biggie!

QuirkyTurtle · 17/02/2022 15:22

@OVienna

The OPs response was perfectly polite, *@QuirkyTurtle*. Unless you're commenting on the suggestions for what she SHOULD say which have come up.
I agree that the OP's response was perfectly polite and yes I was referring to people suggesting she gets snarky about it.
OVienna · 17/02/2022 15:24

@QuirkyTurtle I really hope for all their sakes it ends there.

Who needs this sort of drama? It feels like there is something else going on in the background (with as you say insecurity at it's root.)

Calennig · 17/02/2022 15:24

My name is my name, it feels bizarre to me that I'd change it to mirror my DP if we married.

Some of us like OP got married and changed our names decades ago and had reasons we thought good enough to do so so it doesn't really matter 20 years later if you find it bizzare.

If I married again or if I'd married later in life I'd probably make a different choice as more stuff would have needed changing to new name though I don't persoanlly regret taking DH name for resons that apply to my life.

OP made the change years ago - it's now her name she has a career and qualifications in her current name it will cost her time and effort to change it back for no obvious benefit to her.

Toanewstart23 · 17/02/2022 15:35

Is this just

Different strokes for different folks?

No right or wrong

I kept my married surname
But literally have no view on anyone who decided to change back

Some seem so deeply impassioned by the issue

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