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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 17/02/2022 13:57

I've no feelings either way on whether someone should keep their name. I know many who've kept their pre-marriage name, some who haven't, some who use one surname for personal and one for professional use.

I won't be changing my name probably, I've had nearly a decade of having a different surname to my child and it's not been any issue, I'm used to my own surname after nearly half a decade. But I might use the married name informally as and when I feel like it. As it is, I've enough people using my sons & dad's surname when referring to me anyway so it makes little difference.

However if a new partner sent me a cease and desist text like in this instance, well, then I'd order monogrammed stationary and refer to myself everywhere as Mrs. David Jones the 1st, just out of pettiness.

FUCKSOCIAL · 17/02/2022 14:01

This reply has been deleted

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PearPickingPorky · 17/02/2022 14:01

@AlexaShutUp

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, so this might have been asked already, but would he object if you reverted to your maiden name and changed your dd's name to that as well? That could be an option if you want to have the same name as her, but I bet he wouldn't like it!

Regardless, you don't have to change your name anyway. You have a legal right to keep your married name and your ex's new wife is just going to have to get used to that!

It's been suggested many times, and dismissed because why should her 10 year old daughter also loose her own name because of the pathetic insecurity of her father's new wife?

This is not his name. It is OP's name, and DD's name just as much as it is his.

If his new wife can't deal with that then he will need to change his name to hers, or they could both change their name to something else entirely.

Blossomtoes · 17/02/2022 14:03

My bloke’s ex kept his name for 20 years until she remarried. I never took it and have kept my own name for 22 years of marriage. We’ve laughed about it every now and then that he’s married to Ms Toes, while his ex was Mrs Hisname.

Good for you for standing your ground @justustwoandmoo. They’re being ridiculous.

steff13 · 17/02/2022 14:04

It's been suggested many times, and dismissed because why should her 10 year old daughter also loose her own name because of the pathetic insecurity of her father's new wife?

It's been suggested, but I think most of those were in jest. The point of suggesting that to him is to illustrate that he would (likely) not want to have a different name than his daughter, so why should the OP want that?

pinkyredrose · 17/02/2022 14:04

When you sign a register your legal name becomes that name in your case when you married. If the new wife to be does not want the same name as you get your exH to sign the register at their marriage in her name.

Confused What does this even mean?

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2022 14:05

Aaaaand I rest my case considering a majority of the defensive and sad responses from said women. You all beautifully illustrated my point.

For the record, I was married for 20 years and had 3 children with my ex-husband. I dropped the surname after the divorce because I was no longer his wife and the strength of my own name was more than enough for me.

You seem to confused women challenging your ridiculously dated and sexist attitudes with women being defensive.

You might believe that a surname is lovingly loaned to you from a gentlemanly man who should expect the name returning to him once you're no longer sleeping together, but for many women in 2022 women are free to choose their name in their own right.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/02/2022 14:08

On divorce it is personal choice whether to change your name or not. Doesn't matter what the reasons are, it is your choice.

When you married you took a new family name instead of your parents family name. Your family i.e. your children and you are continuing to use that family name. If his new partner doesn't like that, that is his problem to resolve with her not yours.

affairsofdragons · 17/02/2022 14:08

@Lux523

I'm firmly of the thinking that if the surname you're carrying is by virtue of marriage, and you then get divorced, the married name goes too.

I'm divorced. My children still carry what was my married name. I carry my maiden name. We are still very linked and bonded. I think it sets a healthy boundary and actually is for the benefit of my children to help them to understand that their father and I are now divorced. I am still their Mum and I have strength and identity in my own name.

I actually think it's pretty sad to hold on to a married name.

Ridiculous. Contrived thinking that of course forces women, once again, to appease men and waste lots of time and money doing so.

Your 'maiden' name was your mother's married name, no?

But it was also your name. Until you decided to change it, for whatever reason (marriage, divorce, whimsy, etc). And it would have continued to be your name if you'd chosen to keep. Your children didn't need your name to change to realise you were no longer a couple; you could have had different names while married, after all.

And don't even get me started on the term 'maiden' name ... which stems from yet more misogyny on how women should be pre-marriage.

T00Ts · 17/02/2022 14:10

I am still their Mum and I have strength and identity in my own name.

The irony of this statement while saying a woman’s name is by virtue of a marriage.

steff13 · 17/02/2022 14:11

On divorce it is personal choice whether to change your name or not. Doesn't matter what the reasons are, it is your choice.

This really is the bottom line right here. You can keep it or change it for whatever reason you want, or no reason at all.

If he brings it up again, I would say no, and then suggest that he takes her name if it's important to him that they have a different name from you.

Dobedodo · 17/02/2022 14:26

Tell him no and that if he doesn’t want to share a surname with you he should take hers. It’s the obvious solution!

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2022 14:29

The irony of this statement while saying a woman’s name is by virtue of a marriage
I thought the same.

Good little wifey borrows her husband's name for years and then like a good little woman who knows her place, returns the married name back to it's male owner and then tries to convince other women that they're actually a strong woman who has a strong identity in their own name.

It does rather read like they think a woman should have a strong identity in themselves when unmarried and then have their identity consumed by, and dependent on, their husband for the duration of the marriage. Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 14:31

@GroggyLegs

I love my married name, it's an awesome one. I chose to take it. It's mine.

No way would I've going back to my constantly misspelled, mispronounces ugly maiden name.
Vain, flippant but true.

I think I'd respond to his second message with 'Thats very generous, thanks. I'll speak to DD to see how she feels about us changing to (maiden name) and let you know'

I really want her to say this just to her his response (even though she has no intention of changing her DDs name) I'd bet my life he wouldn't be happy about that
Justbecause88 · 17/02/2022 14:32

Very odd behaviour from your ex and his new partner! DH ex kept her married name after they split, she has messaged DH a few times about it saying she was going to change it to her maiden name/asking how she can change it. But 6 years down the line it's not done, so I suspect it was for dramatic effect! I couldn't care less we all share a surname. If DH and I divorced I would likely keep the name too. It's not 'his' name, it's now part of my identify and shared with my DC.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 14:34

@Drinkingallthewine

I've no feelings either way on whether someone should keep their name. I know many who've kept their pre-marriage name, some who haven't, some who use one surname for personal and one for professional use.

I won't be changing my name probably, I've had nearly a decade of having a different surname to my child and it's not been any issue, I'm used to my own surname after nearly half a decade. But I might use the married name informally as and when I feel like it. As it is, I've enough people using my sons & dad's surname when referring to me anyway so it makes little difference.

However if a new partner sent me a cease and desist text like in this instance, well, then I'd order monogrammed stationary and refer to myself everywhere as Mrs. David Jones the 1st, just out of pettiness.

"the 1st" Grin love that
thisplaceisweird · 17/02/2022 14:38

YABBU (you are both being unreasonable) it's 2022. Have your own name.

ImInStealthMode · 17/02/2022 14:39

I kept my married name after divorce simply because it's an enormous improvement on the maiden name I hated for 30 years prior.

I changed my title to 'Ms' and like OP it's an extremely common name anyway. I might have felt differently if it was a name that would make people I don't know think 'oh I wonder if she's related to EXH'.

T00Ts · 17/02/2022 14:40

Can’t quite get over the number of women on here who seem to think men graciously share their surnames with women when they do them the very greatest honour of marrying them and taking these poor creatures down off the shelf. And that these posters seem to paint the women as some sort of whack-job Miss Havisham for keeping these ‘gifted’ names that belong to their menfolk.

Instead of just realising they’re in fact just the women’s names.

Crackers.

AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 14:40

@thisplaceisweird

YABBU (you are both being unreasonable) it's 2022. Have your own name.
She does have her own name. The one on all her ID. The one she likes and the one she is keeping.
T00Ts · 17/02/2022 14:41

@thisplaceisweird

YABBU (you are both being unreasonable) it's 2022. Have your own name.
This is her own name.

What is it that people aren’t understanding?

Glitterygreen · 17/02/2022 14:44

@T00Ts

Can’t quite get over the number of women on here who seem to think men graciously share their surnames with women when they do them the very greatest honour of marrying them and taking these poor creatures down off the shelf. And that these posters seem to paint the women as some sort of whack-job Miss Havisham for keeping these ‘gifted’ names that belong to their menfolk.

Instead of just realising they’re in fact just the women’s names.

Crackers.

I think it's more crackers to give up the name you were born with to take someone else's just because you get married, and then genuinely think of that as your name over the name you grew up with Confused.

My name is my name, it feels bizarre to me that I'd change it to mirror my DP if we married.

T00Ts · 17/02/2022 14:50

Fine @Glitterygreen but that ship has sailed. OP has had this name for 19 years. She chose to take on her husband’s name and marriage and now it’s her name. Why is that so hard for people to grasp?

RadicalFern · 17/02/2022 14:52

"If you find the existence of an ex wife too upsetting to handle, and are likely to be terribly upset that an adult woman maintains her own name, kindly find yourself a man who has never been married so you can feel super special and like the only woman who has ever been in your man's life"

Though of course, there will still be the problem of his mother... Grin

Foodymucker · 17/02/2022 14:55

I kept my married name after divorce to keep the same as my children and also it was much nicer than my maiden name . I also had another child and gave him the same surname as by then it was my name , part of my identity not something I borrowed for as long as the marriage lasted .