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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 16/02/2022 17:21

I would tell your ex, that’s fine as long as he is happy for DD name to change as well, as you want to have the same name as your DD. If he is unhappy with this ask him to use her name. See how quickly he backs down,

Beachsidesunset · 16/02/2022 17:21

A simple 'No thank you' will suffice.

anotherheadache · 16/02/2022 17:22

Say you're keeping your name as it's daughter's name.

Suggest that he could always change his name to new partners name if she wants same names but won't take his because of you!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/02/2022 17:22

It is completely understandable that you want the same last name as your child, if i ever have a baby, i would too. I have actually wondered myself how my partners ex would feel if i ever married him as i'd then have his name and the same as their child whilst she doesn't, they were engaged but never married. I wouldn't ever want her to feel like i was undermining her as the childs mum, as people might mistakenly think i was the parent as the one with the same name.

MissMaple82 · 16/02/2022 17:22

It's got nothing to do with her. She's obviously insecure about something. Don't alter your life just to please somebody who makes no odds to your life. Your ex husband cant now want you to change just because a new woman has come on the scene. Stand your ground, you and your child are more important than your ex and his new partner

givethatbabyaname · 16/02/2022 17:22

You can say yes to your ex, on condition that your DD changes her surname to your maiden name too

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2022 17:22

I'd come back at them with that you will change name back to maiden name if you can change dc surname to your maiden name at same time.

newbiename · 16/02/2022 17:22

I'd just send back 'lol'

Hb12 · 16/02/2022 17:23

"ok, let's change dd's too."

"Why don't you change when you marry?"

Crumbs22 · 16/02/2022 17:23

YNBU at all. Keep your name, if the ex's partner has a problem with that, then that's most definitely her problem. A simple no should suffice, no explanation no discussion.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 16/02/2022 17:23

I think i would just laugh. In hindsight I wish I hadn't changed my name and had given the kids my name but since I didn't like you I won't be changing.
Would he be happy for you to change your daughter's name at the same time???

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/02/2022 17:23

Do you use the title "Mrs"? Maybe you could change that to "Ms" and it would keep her happy without you needing to do tedious admin.

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 16/02/2022 17:24

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:24

Have now responded with '😂 I'm assuming that's a joke...?'

Let's see where that gets me.

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 16/02/2022 17:24

My DM was divorced from my DF, always known as Mrs (married surname). My step mum, also known as Mrs (married surname).

You call yourself what you want, she calls herself what she wants. Job done.

MrsTimRiggins · 16/02/2022 17:24

Hahaha fuck off. Nah I wouldn’t even be considering it. Even dafter seeing as it’s a common name 🤦🏼‍♀️
When you change your name, you’ve changed your name, it’s not being lent to you by your husband!

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:25

@HirplesWithHaggis

Do you use the title "Mrs"? Maybe you could change that to "Ms" and it would keep her happy without you needing to do tedious admin.
No I've been using Ms since we split. I never refer to myself as Mrs. that's why I can't see the problem tbh x
OP posts:
angieloumc · 16/02/2022 17:25

Honestly it's her problem, unless his last name is Banana Hammock (from Friends😆)there will be many people with the same surname.
I've had my married name for three decades now, longer than I had my maiden name. I've been apart from him for over 20. When I had my DD 17 I gave her my name which was my married name. Her father had no problem with it as it was my name (he didn't have a longing for him to take his name) and my ex H had no problem with it. The only one who did was his now ex wife. Hard luck on her.

givethatbabyaname · 16/02/2022 17:25

I think she doesn't want to be "the second Mrs Davies".

Bit late for that!

FantasticFebruary · 16/02/2022 17:25

'Will you be asking your mother/sister/aunt to change their names too, so the princess can be the only Mrs Brown? Just tell her to stop being such a loon!

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 16/02/2022 17:26

I think its totally up to you what name you decide to use. However as a divorced woman I couldnt wait to go back to my maiden name asap so only assume you had an amicable divorce.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2022 17:27

I would tell your ex good luck with marrying that woman. What a fucking nutter.

angieloumc · 16/02/2022 17:27

I should have said, it was so all my four DC had the same name. Plus my maiden name is hideous.

bjrce · 16/02/2022 17:27

Tell your DP to reassure his GF, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being the 2nd "Mrs Justustwoandmoo" and you have no issue with always being the 1st "Mrs Justustwoandmoo"

And you always will be! LOL!
You have no plan to change the status Quo!

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:28

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it
But it isn't his name? You don't own a name do you? It doesn't transfer from one person to the other. I don't want a different surname to my daughter.

I can see your point of view sort of I guess. I just struggle to see the problem...

OP posts:
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