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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Barrawarra · 16/02/2022 17:43

I think this is quite bizarre. If I’m being generous, in some ways I can understand her wishing to have the name for herself and try to forget that you exist - but to actually verbalise that with a REQUEST TO ANOTHER PERSON TO CHANGE THEIR NAME OF 20YRS BECAUSE YOU WANT IT? It’s actually completely batshit and embarrassing.

Nat6999 · 16/02/2022 17:43

Tell him you will change it when your dc is 18, that is what I'm doing, ds was 18 in January & I'm now changing mine back to my maiden name & ds is double barrelling his.

Hospedia · 16/02/2022 17:43

My dad's ex-wife still uses her married name despite them getting divorced over 40 years ago. My mum took his name when they got married so there was a Ms Name/former Mrs Name and a Mrs Name/current Mrs Name. Somehow people still managed to recognise who was the previous wife and who was the current wife, no one burst into flames, the world kept spinning.

Tell them no. You could do so politely or you could tell her to suck it up and sign it " Mrs Ms YourName.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/02/2022 17:44

surprised that she is so keen to be Mrs Moo Grin

Crystalvas · 16/02/2022 17:44

@Everydayimhuffling

People don't get to take back a name. He could always -shock, horror- change to hers if they want a different "married name" to you. It's yours now, not just his.
I like this I agree.
ExactlyThat · 16/02/2022 17:45

Definitely don’t. Why not suggest he takes her name?

AgathaAllAlong · 16/02/2022 17:45

Tell them if they care about it that much, your ExH can change his name to match hers!

It's a your name, that you share with your closest family, she's being absurd.

mam0918 · 16/02/2022 17:45

@justustwoandmoo

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

She will be mind blown when she enounters other humans exist with the same surname.

Its ridiculous, its your name and you dont even have to have been married to share it.

Hell, I changed my surname at 18 when single to just a random surname I heard and liked the sound of, I did it because I didnt want it to be tied to my abusive father anymore and its my name now I didnt need to aquire it from any man to own it.

Chewbecca · 16/02/2022 17:45

I’m a second wife and the first still has his surname. Never given it a second thought - YANBU

Dixiechickonhols · 16/02/2022 17:45

I’d be tempted to send them a link pointing out there’s no need for her to adopt a married name but it’s probably not best if you are otherwise harmonious.
Another reason not to change might be professional reputation if you have a job where that is an issue. If you have years of goodwill and clients as married name madness to change it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/02/2022 17:46

There's absolutely no way I would agree to this. I share a name with my child. I also like my surname. It also pisses OW right off therefore in the name of pettiness, it's staying Smile

takingmytimeonmyride · 16/02/2022 17:46

I split up with my ex 5 years ago. I've kept the surname because it's my kids surname, and because my maiden name was horrible!

I was his second wife. She chose to go back to her maiden name, but if she hadn't it wouldn't have bothered me. After all there are plenty of other Mrs *** - including my MIL and SIL!

YANBU by not wanting to change it!

Spongecakeandcoffee · 16/02/2022 17:46

I think this is quite bizarre. If I’m being generous, in some ways I can understand her wishing to have the name for herself and try to forget that you exist - but to actually verbalise that with a REQUEST TO ANOTHER PERSON TO CHANGE THEIR NAME OF 20YRS BECAUSE YOU WANT IT? It’s actually completely batshit and embarrassing.

Exactly this ^

I wouldn't be entering into any negotiations or discussions over this.

A simple no is sufficient.

CaptSkippy · 16/02/2022 17:47

If you want you and your daughter to have the same last name you could also ask her if she would want to change it. If she does you can change both your names so you and your daughter will share a name, but you and your ex won't. See how he feels about that.

However, I think changing a name would be a really hassle.
YADNBU for not wanting to change it in the first place.

CatNoBag · 16/02/2022 17:47

If he comes back that it's a serious request, I'd be responding that you assume daughter's name will be changed to your maiden name as well then?

Fink · 16/02/2022 17:47

I think this is fairly common, although I can't understand it. My ex's new wife tried it on me. I pointed out that I didn't even have the same name she would be taking since I have a double-barrelled name made of his name and my own maiden name. Like you, OP, changing it once was enough hassle and I want the same surname as dc so I have no intention of switching again.

Dobedodo · 16/02/2022 17:47

I vote telling him to change his name to hers

TheVanguardSix · 16/02/2022 17:47

HRTWT but if you have a different surname to your DD, every single time you travel abroad, you'll have to prove you're her mum, get a letter from your ex stating his permission to take her out of the country. It's a nightmare. Sorry if this has been stated elsewhere in the thread. But THIS alone is a very solid argument for keeping his name. His current wife needs to just pull herself together.
But actually, I wouldn't even engage in this discussion. It is ridiculous.
I am mid-divorce now from my husband. But his ex-wife kept his surname. It didn't even occur to me to care, in all honesty.

MoodyMooToo · 16/02/2022 17:47

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it
It’s not weird to keep it. It’s her name, it’s who she is. It was your choice to give your kids their dad’s surname. You can’t force someone to change a name that is legally their own just because you don’t like it
WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 17:48

I think she sounds very insecure and if it’s true it’s absolutely ridiculous.

However I think it’s quite odd you would want to keep you ex husbands surname even after you have divorced.
So I’m wondering if they have a bit of a point and it’s time you let go of it.

AlexCabot · 16/02/2022 17:48

FIL was married three times so for a while (until MIL and wife no. 2 both remarried) there were three Mrs Cabots. Nobody gave a shit.

If she has such a problem with the first wife keeping her name then maybe she shouldn't have hooked up with a divorced man.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 16/02/2022 17:48

Bit weird of her to ask! I’m a second wife and have same name as my DH and his ex wife changed back to her maiden name upon divorce but if she hadn’t I can’t imagine asking her to!! A name doesn’t belong to the man, if you want the same name as your DD then keep it!

Northernsoullover · 16/02/2022 17:48

I wouldn't be changing it. Think of the faff of changing all your bills, passports etc. My friend got divorced and reverted back to her maiden name. She says it's been a fuck ton of red tape.

DePfeffoff · 16/02/2022 17:48

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it
Nothing to stop you changing your name, or indeed (with your partner's agreement) changing your children's surname so it's the same.
LuckyAmy1986 · 16/02/2022 17:48

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash how pathetic. It’s HER name too not just his. He doesn’t bloody own it and neither do you