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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 23:43

We only have part of the picture here of this relationship. They might be controlling, they might not be controlling. The op can easily stop cooking his dinner every night and find out for themselves. I don't think the op should be treated like this but I'm being told by others users that I don't understand things. I don't think other users understand the idea of not jumping to instant conclusions.

Merryoldgoat · 15/02/2022 23:43

When I was 8 months pregnant and very unwell he did all school drop offs, arranged pickups with my aunt and his mum, cooked every night when he got home, and made lunch that I could eat whilst he was at work.

I basically had to shower and sit.

I didn’t have to ask, explain how tired I was, how I needed help. He knew because he cared and noticed like a good and kind husband should.

He’s entirely unremarkable amongst my friends’ partners. I see them doing drop offs, birthday parties, taking kids out, cooking meals etc.

These shitty men aren’t the norm - it’s time we stopped putting up with it and they realised if they want a relationship then they need to change.

Raise our boys to be better and our girls to expect better. It’s the only way.

I’m so tired of reading these stories. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to live it Sad

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 23:45

Op you sound like you currently are suffering from lack of self belief. You can change that. You don't have to do anything for anyone else that you don't want to do apart from your children. If you don't want to cook him dinner, don't cook him dinner.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/02/2022 23:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1407195-DH-midlife-crisis

Ten years ago the OP posted this. About two thirds of the way through @tenyears (a name change) updated to say that she has realised that it was abusive all along and that she is leaving.

Please dont let this be you in another ten years.

EKGEMS · 15/02/2022 23:47

I'd be happy to cook for him and take his food request-ONCE because it would be his last one,like they do just before the electric chair

WouldIBeATwat · 15/02/2022 23:51

4 pack of baked beans. Loaf of bread. Leave on worktop and point to them when he mentions dinner (preferably as you head to bed for a rest).

Custardtartandcoffee · 15/02/2022 23:54

I came on to suggest Lundy Bancroft but I can see that has already been done.

It’s easy for other people to say “Why have you put up with this?” when looking at it from the outside, but when you are in it - and engaging when someone who firmly believes that YOU are the problem - it doesn’t feel so obvious and clear cut at all.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You don’t even have to confront him or stop doing things for him. Just carry on posting and reading on here, and let yourself take some of it in when you are ready and when you want to, and just build a little knowledge bank inside you that reminds you that you are NOT the problem and that his behaviour is not normal or okay (no matter how much he believes that it is, his reality does not get to trump yours anymore)

Custardtartandcoffee · 15/02/2022 23:54

*with someone

Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 23:56

@Custardtartandcoffee I posted a link to a free PDF of the book. I really hope she reads it.

DrSbaitso · 15/02/2022 23:57

I just can't. He resents me for that so much. I think it adds to how unhappy he is with me and why he gives me a hard time about dinner.

And that's going to get you going so much!

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:59

@Custardtartandcoffee

I came on to suggest Lundy Bancroft but I can see that has already been done.

It’s easy for other people to say “Why have you put up with this?” when looking at it from the outside, but when you are in it - and engaging when someone who firmly believes that YOU are the problem - it doesn’t feel so obvious and clear cut at all.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You don’t even have to confront him or stop doing things for him. Just carry on posting and reading on here, and let yourself take some of it in when you are ready and when you want to, and just build a little knowledge bank inside you that reminds you that you are NOT the problem and that his behaviour is not normal or okay (no matter how much he believes that it is, his reality does not get to trump yours anymore)

That's my thing. I almost always just think I'm the problem. Not just with him, with everyone.

I act all tough and stand up for myself, but deep down I always feel that I'm probably wrong, that I misunderstood or that the person doesn't mean it the way I heard it.

I think I've been gaslighted so much in my life that I just absorb it now and I just can't tell. That's what keeps me from really doing something about it.

So when he complains, I try harder. Cos you know, he does work hard and is never home.. and needs my support. Even my mum calls me sometimes and is surprised if I haven't cooked for him. We always had to rush back to have dinner on the table for my father too. All hell would break loose if dinner was big on the table. God forbid we were doing a nice mother daughter activity. Everything revolved around getting dinner ready for him.

It's really really difficult to shift these things, even if on a logical level I know it's not OK. Inside I feel guilty and like it's my fault. Yes I've had therapy. I know I need more.

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 16/02/2022 00:05

You have a job and handle child duties when really they should be split. Even without the pregnancy, I wouldn’t cook more than half the dinners unless it was in exchange for some other household chore like he does more laundry. I would also stop completely with any complaining.

That isn’t hyperbole. My husband now does almost all the cooking because he complained about so many of my meals that there are only a few dishes left that I will make for him. If he doesn’t appreciate the effort, he doesn’t get the effort. I’m not a bad cook. Most people say I’m quite good. He is just exceptionally picky and has no filter.

Blossom64265 · 16/02/2022 00:07

It took me awhile to type and we cross posted.

You should start thinking about what kind of partnership you want your children to have when they are adults. Do you want a daughter who rushes home to get a meal on the table? Do you want a son who expects that of is wife? Break the cycle.

D0lphine · 16/02/2022 00:09

Honestly I think sitting down and splitting chores etc isn't worth it given how I'll you are. It's just going to give you something extra to do.

I think, for now, you should ask for help from friends and family. Accept anything they can do graciously.

Long term you're going to have to either split from this man or work it out with him. Don't stay with him like this. You'll wear yourself into the ground.

HyacynthBucket · 16/02/2022 00:11

Tell this boorish selfish man that you are eight months pregnant, it is difficult for you physically, especially as you are not getting enough sleep, and he should be stepping up to look after you. He should be feeling protective of you and your health and wellbeing, and doing all he can to make things easier. Why does he not get up in the night for your toddler? and let you sleep? It is as though he thinks nothing of your needs. Please don't bring your children up with these types of expectations. They belong in a different century from the one we are in. Look after yourself and get him to do so. Tell him what you need from him, be assertive about it, and make your case for being looked after at the moment. Flowers

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 00:15

@HyacynthBucket

Tell this boorish selfish man that you are eight months pregnant, it is difficult for you physically, especially as you are not getting enough sleep, and he should be stepping up to look after you. He should be feeling protective of you and your health and wellbeing, and doing all he can to make things easier. Why does he not get up in the night for your toddler? and let you sleep? It is as though he thinks nothing of your needs. Please don't bring your children up with these types of expectations. They belong in a different century from the one we are in. Look after yourself and get him to do so. Tell him what you need from him, be assertive about it, and make your case for being looked after at the moment. Flowers
I think he thinks of his needs more. He has a demanding job and is out of the house for 12 hours a day and he thinks I'm at home so can pick up the slack. I think that's what it boils down to. His needs are more important but also he deserves them met more, because of his job etc. Whereas I'm home, it should be easier for me. I think that's his logic.
OP posts:
Tilltheend99 · 16/02/2022 00:21

If he has you second guessing yourself on points where you are so clearly in the right then I’d suggest he is psychologically abusing you. You should talk to your midwife about it as it is affecting your health. If he can’t make an effort to listen to your opinion and help out a bit more then you should consider leaving. What would you really be loosing as you go everything for your family alone now anyway. Sorry op Flowers

lborgia · 16/02/2022 00:21

I agree that this is not just about “training”. I have a DH who didn’t pull his weight, but he was just being a bit clueless and useless.

He would NEVER complain about food on the table, he would NEVER try and make me feel as if it was all in my head (have you looked up “gaslighting”? It’s a word used on here a lot, but you might not be aware of it).

This is NOT about the food on the table, it’s about him feeling hard done by because you have made room in your life for children, and have medical issues, all of which takes away from the world being centred around him.

I have to say, you need to look up. Look at the world around you. I’m not sure why you have such a closed life, that you only have your mothers as a frame of reference… do you have any friends with families and work? Do you know how their worlds work? I do not know a single woman who has put herself through something like this in the last 20 years. Actually, I lie, I know one woman who would feel she wasn’t a good wife if she hadn’t done 4 hours of housework a day, had dinner on the table, and all the children’s clothes were HANDWASHED. Including school uniform. Clearly insane and all learnt from her mother’s rules.

However, she was at least a SAHM, and when I knew her and she was pregnant with her fourth (yes), she was flourishing and blooming.

But APART from her, no others woman I know with any degree of closeness has ever shown any signs of thinking this kind of workload is just part and parcel of being a wife.

Maybe go and hide in the library for a morning, and look at some books. Or read the pdf that pp linked up thread.

I also think that you should consider leaving work early. I know it screws with maternity cover etc, but even with a supportive husband, it sounds like a lot to deal with from a medical point of view.

There’s a thread in Relationships which is 10 years old. The OP revived it this week after it was a zombie for 10 years to tell us that it had taken her 10 years to realise that she was being taken for a ride. I’ll link it if I can find it.

Good luck, and I’m so sorry, it’s a horrible experience to realise that you have been putting up with shit, disguised as “that’s what marriage means”.

lborgia · 16/02/2022 00:25

I’ve just seen your most recent post - does he have sole responsibility for the toddler for any period of time? Because it was only when I downed tools, and stopped doing pretty much everything that my husband realised that being at home is a slog.

But that’s really rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic. He isn’t even being nice to you, so I refer to my previous post. I don’t think, even if he realised, he would want to share the load. He would still feel it wasn’t his problem to solve.

BoredtoTiers · 16/02/2022 00:30

I find it really weird that he somehow thinks you should consult him on a day to day basis and adjust your cooking plans based on what he has for lunch. Surely the person eating outside of the home adjusts their meals around what's been planned at home? The fact he expects a daily call and meal plan adjusted accordingly is just....wow.

Usernamepleasework · 16/02/2022 00:34

Totally get this my dad was the exactly same regarding dinning being on the table and still is too this day I moved out more than 14 years ago and feel so sorry for my mum. I made sure I never had this repeated in my relationship I have a toddler and a baby at home and wow you have a few weeks left to talk this over with him and sort it out because when baby comes alone you will not have time to make him dinner the work involved looking after a toddler and a new born is unbelievable I barley get to eat half a slice of cold toast. My partner comes home from work and I am at breaking point there is no way I would be able to provide him a nice meal. So hope you can sort this out and resolve this issue other wise you are going to run urself into the ground and those baby’s need a health happy mummy. Take care FlowersStar

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2022 00:52

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

So exactly what does he bring to this relationship? I mean that seriously. Sit down and ask yourself this. And if the answer is 'a paycheck' then ask yourself if having your spirit ground into the dust is worth a few bucks.

And do NOT say "He's a great dad". Any man who treats the mother of his child so disrespectfully is NOT a great dad. One of the best things a father can do for his children is treat their mother with respect. Because his is the behaviour that they will 'model' in later life.

And if your mother is coming over and pandering to him, shame on her!

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2022 00:58

This thread is actually making me feel sick.

I can't believe that women in this day and age are still being treated so contemptuously by the person who is supposed to love and care for them.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday Have you posted about him before under a different name?

Please explain all this to your midwife. You are being very, very badly treated. He isn't going to change and you need help.

StaplesCorner · 16/02/2022 01:00

So in a months time when you have a new born and the toddler, how on earth do you think this is going to work? You have no support from your mother other than to enable him. You'll be postpartum with a tiny baby and all the other health issues you've mentioned and he does nothing and blames you - what did you have in mind? You need to sit down and have a think about how you are going to protect your own health and your kids from this because it'll probably escalate.

Do you have other family or friends you could go to?

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 16/02/2022 01:07

His needs are more important but also he deserves them met more, because of his job etc. Whereas I'm home, it should be easier for me. I think that's his logic.

Do you think that it's very convenient for him and that is most of the thought process that he has, he is not willing and is resisiting the growing workload and expects you to shoulder all of the expanding burden?
My ex was like this and nothing could shift him to a fairer distribution of the workload, I ended up doing everything and when we split up it felt a relief and less work - he kind of made himself redundant in a strange way.