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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:

Phobiaphobic · 18/02/2022 17:36

We should put @LoisLane66 in a museum so people can see what the bad old days were like.

talkingbubble · 18/02/2022 17:39

Yes, yes, yes to the poster who said you are being ground down by him. This absolutely happens. Without you realising it. You recognise it only in hindsight, after you've left him.

Momijin · 18/02/2022 17:44

What a lazy wank3r. Don't do anything for him and tell him to start doing a lot more around the hosue/picking child up/cooking. I know where I would shove his steak. Idiot

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2022 18:26

@Phobiaphobic

We should put *@LoisLane66* in a museum so people can see what the bad old days were like.

Trouble is, she's a similar age to me (I think) and I would never, ever have written her post.

But then my (much older) DH wouldn't have expected me to do the Little Woman thing either. (Just as well. Not a chance)

I do wonder if she's just being provocative and derailing. Which isn't fair as the OP is having a hell of a time with a pig of a husband

CheekyHobson · 18/02/2022 19:31

Why is your mum not here !!you need her. I can't give you the kind of support she can, I'm just a bloke

Slightly off-topic but it occurs to me that one of the reasons misogynists hate women and repeatedly treat them like shit is that secretly they do feel incompetent and inferior to them, so want to 'punish' the women around them for that feeling.

Not saying it's right, just musing on the psychology.

Original poster

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 18/02/2022 19:32

I've today just stopped. He's been at home and I just said I'm not feeling well ( which I'm not ) and have been resting on the sofa while he tries to look after DC.

He's so fed up and huffing and puffing, saying he has other things to do for work that he needs to get done.

I'm staying strong, but it's not been very restful because of his ' this isn't my job ' vibe.

OP posts:

Lwren · 18/02/2022 19:36

With HG I was in hospital and bed ridden with one of my pregnancies, couldn't go near food, let alone cook.

Honestly I'd throw him out for his behaviour.

Original poster

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 18/02/2022 19:37

He looks after toddler with such a ' I really can't be bothered attitude ', it winds me up. So I said to tonight, you really just don't want to do it. He said, don't say that, it's not true. I'm doing my best, sorry I don't have a fanny.

I mean, maybe I'm critical, but he's done nothing special today. He has done just a minority of the things that I do every day. But huffs and puffs and grumps around. I'm so sick of it. I get really affected by his moods, I always have and he knows it.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 18/02/2022 20:01

He said, don't say that, it's not true. I'm doing my best, sorry I don't have a fanny.

That is so revolting on so many levels.

Mummypigisalwaysright · 18/02/2022 20:08

Try to detach op, emotionally you sound like you already are. In your shoes I would be making arrangements to leave, and don't listen to anyone who tries to convince you. Once your back under his thumb he'll revert to the same behaviour. Abusers never change. They don't see anything wrong with their selfish behaviour.

billy1966 · 18/02/2022 20:16

@DrSbaitso

He said, don't say that, it's not true. I'm doing my best, sorry I don't have a fanny.

That is so revolting on so many levels.

What a truly disgusting thing to say to your wife.

I feel so sorry for you OP.

Having another child with this absolute pig.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/02/2022 20:22

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

Fucking hell

What are you going to do?

Original poster

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 18/02/2022 20:25

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor I don't know yet. But I feel a bit better just really seeing through the situation clearly for the first time.

I would like to go see my family. So maybe just get away for a couple of weeks.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2022 22:44

@LoisLane66

I honestly think you need to buck your ideas up

Surprised you didn't suggest she give the poor lamb a blow job before dinner every evening.

Catch yourself on you absolute eejit.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2022 22:45

He might not 'have a fanny' but he is a massive twat.

Migrainesbythedozen · 19/02/2022 02:04

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

I would say back 'you don't need to have a fanny to be a decent human being or supportive husband.'

He never meant the 'in sickness' and in health bit, did he?

Madamum18 · 19/02/2022 05:54

@zoemum2006

Because of circumstances I do cook every night for DH but if FOR ONE SECOND he expected it or complained about it I would make it a mission to never provide a scrap of food for him to eat ever again.

Yup!! That would be me too!!

BlueSuffragette · 19/02/2022 07:15

Wow OP I've just read the whole thread He really has little respect for you. Hopefully you now seem to be recognising this. Time to up your own self-respect and plan a future without him. He'll never change. Do what is right for you and your children. In the short term get to your mums if you can. Good luck. Best wishes to you.

Toanewstart23 · 19/02/2022 08:55

Such a frustrating thread
Think I’m going to hide it

LoisLane66 · 19/02/2022 09:55

@NannyOgg
When you 'righteously' say that you would 'never ever have written her post', does that mean that I should have consulted a crystal ball as to what YOU would have written so as to write in similar vein...eh?
If we all thought the same thoughts, harboured the same views and wrote the same words, then life would be somewhat boring and the population would be clones.
I'm allowed to have those views as you are to have yours and no, I wasn't being provocotive. I say and write exactly what I mean with no agenda. My OH (22 years my junior) would laugh at the very thought that I have old fashioned ways although he knows full well that there are some moral and ingrained views which determine how I deal with life.
I had the most marvellous childhood and I bring forward many of the habits learned during that time, however, I can't conceive that any right thinking person would consider having another child with someone who is known not to get involved with the present child to the mother's satisfaction or displays manners not agreeable to the mother/wife/partner regarding the provision of meals.
They are my views. Not everyone's...just mine.
As for the blow job before dinner as another poster mentioned...haha, no way. I'm not in favour of getting on my knees for any reason whatsoever.
I'm a lot more progressive than you might imagine but definitely not pc, woke, tattooed or pierced.

Toanewstart23 · 19/02/2022 10:28

@LoisLane66

Check out this posters history
She’s >70
Retired
Lives alone

No wonder she posts what she does

LoisLane66 · 19/02/2022 10:50

@Toanewstart23
I think that's a CF post.
Does being >70, retired, divorced and living alone (out of choice) after a 41 year marriage, pigeonhole everyone in that position? Don't you know anyone in those circumstances or if I was 42 or 53 unemployed, and living alone, would you have the same view?
There are millions of people in my age group, widowed, divorced or living alone for whatever reason. Should they be castigated and categorised by narrow-minded individuals such as yourself?
It say much more about you than it ever could about me.
You're ageist and ridiculous in thinking that everyone of a particular age group, living alone and retired is typical in their views.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2022 11:19

My mum is 70, retired and lives alone. She's awesome.

@LoisLane66 on the other hand likes to add a hefty dose of archaic sexism and other strange comments to threads.

I knew I recognised the username and it's from a thread where a woman was having a really tough time discussing her husband's sex change and @LoisLane66 said that if a woman was bisexual she thought it wouldn't be an issue as it would be the best of both worlds 🙄

Or my personal favourite was her shaming working mothers with this gem:

You either want to be a mother, or you don't and part of that means being the primary caregiver. Why foist your tiny baby or young child onto a nursery, which effectively means that you don't see your child unfold into the young person they eventually become when most of their day is spent with strangers.
Why have children if you don't want to care for them.
Men often earn the highest salary so that is why most men take less parental leave, besides which there is the issue of breast feeding and bonding
It's a well known fact that when children OR adults are in trouble or hurt or need reassurance, the first person they seek out is their mother. People cry 'I want my mum'. That's how important we are.
65" TVs, second cars, foreign holidays and fancy furnishings don't even come close to the love you have for and receive from a child. It's a wonderful feeling, unmatched by anything else in life.

I mean... just vile.

BowerOfBramble · 19/02/2022 11:22

When he’s been cooking the last few days was it a gourmet meal with candles and amazing presentation etc?

LoisLane66 · 19/02/2022 12:24

@youvegottenminuteslynn
That's YOUR view. I have mine. Having different views is normal...or should we all be vanilla IYO?
As you think it's vile to think children are better for having a SAHM, I wonder what other SAHM's think and there must be quite a few on here.

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