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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:

PinkArt · 15/02/2022 23:24

OP he is clearly an awful, awful person. I don't know you and want to help you, and yet this prick must claim to love you and is happy for you to risk your health to skivvy for him. Is he dangerous though? If you just stop doing all this for him, would you feel unsafe? It clearly isn't sustainable and you and the kids would be so much better off without him, but for now are you in a position to just stop?

CheekyHobson · 15/02/2022 23:25

He's not going to get it until you make him. Sorry but that's the cold truth.

Actually the even colder truth is that if a grown man does not appear to understand basic fairness and respect, you cannot make him understand it and there is no point in wasting your time trying.

There are only two possible reasons for his behaviour.

He is so innately self-centred that he is incapable of understanding the concepts of fairness and respect for others. If this is the case, you will be able to see that he behaves in the same entitled way with everyone around him and pisses people off all the time.

He does understand fairness and respect as concepts and is capable of treating people that way but he is a misogynist with abusive tendencies and therefore he doesn't think he needs to be fair or respectful to you. If he only acts like this around you, then this is your answer.

You cannot convince him to behave more fairly because he doesn't value you and what you bring to the relationship. He thinks whatever you do for a job has little value, and that caring for your children has little value and even both of them together still add up to less value than than the money he brings home from his job. So he feels that you 'owe' him dinner and cleaning and sex to make up for that lack of monetary value (probably the only form of value that he understands) that you bring to his life, and even on the days that you provide him with all of the above, he probably still feels that he's doing you a favour by being in a relationship with you.

Original poster

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:26

@PinkArt

No he's not dangerous. I just think it's hard to understand how hard things are at the moment for me.

He's wrapped up in how hard things are for him at the moment, dealing with me and his work apparently .

OP posts:

cherish123 · 15/02/2022 23:27

He is BU
The thing about working from home is that people assume you can do all the chores etc. but you still have to work. I think you need to share cooking.

Geezabreak82 · 15/02/2022 23:27

This is an abusive relationship. Get out now before it gets worse. If you don’t have the energy to get to your mums could she collect you? Or could a friend drive you? I don’t agree with those who have said leave your toddler with oh because I wouldn’t trust him not to neglect the wee one. Good luck xx

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 23:27

I think sometimes I use to make the mistake of having long emotional conversation about things with my partner which used to annoy me but not him. Think about what you want. Change it, make it undramatic. Like I said, claim ignorance and act bewildered - 'you didn't ask for any food when I went food shopping'

Cornishclio · 15/02/2022 23:28

I am sorry but you are married to a nasty selfish lazy thoughtless baby of a man. Please value yourself and stop feeling you are the bad guy for making him help out. Next time he complained about his dinner he would be wearing it if he was my husband and there would be no more cooking for him full stop. Lazy selfish men like this need to be packed off back to their mums who have brought them up to be pandered to by their long suffering wives. YANBU. If he kicks off just ignore him. He sounds downright abusive.

DrSbaitso · 15/02/2022 23:28

Because of his reaction. Because he just doesn't seem to understand.

His chauvinistic stupidity and demands on his wifebot do not put you in the wrong...and I do think you know that. Have a little confidence in yourself.

I cannot see this getting better with another child in the mix. What do you want and how can you improve the odds of making it happen?

DryOldCaper · 15/02/2022 23:28

I’m so sorry that you’re married to an unmitigated c*nt.

Your sex life is non-extistent, right?

Because no woman in her right mind would actually want to have sex with a man like this.

formalineadeline · 15/02/2022 23:28

He sounds like he stepped out of the pages of the Freedom Programme course book.

It's textbook coercive control. I have no idea why some posters have been giving you cooking tips in response to a clear description of abuse.

He knows exactly what he is doing but believes he is justified, because you as an inferior woman were put on this earth to serve gods like him. Genuinely, that is his belief system here.

The problem isn't the food, it's that he wants to exert power over you and keep you in your place (ie beneath him since you are a mere lowly woman) - hence all the headfuckery.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 23:31

I doubt this person has thought deeply about having power over their partner. Sounds dramatic. It probably is as simple as, I travel to work and you are at home working.

formalineadeline · 15/02/2022 23:31

I just think it's hard to understand how hard things are at the moment for me.

Even a child could understand that.

It's really not hard to understand, that's just a line he's fed you.

PickAChew · 15/02/2022 23:32

If he was a single man and worked all hours, he'd be bloody happy for a tin of ravioli heated in the microwave.

DorsVenabili · 15/02/2022 23:32

Even ignoring the pregnancy and toddler - if you are both working full time you should share chores evenly - and this includes cooking,

Does he actually understand this? does he think your job is less hard than his? less important?

Once you layer on pregnancy and a toddler - he should be doing a lot more chores than you.

Not only are you doing more than you should - he has the nerve to complain and sulk!! and you are questioning whether he is right?

You need to spell it out to him and stop pandering to him and getting others to pander him - are you scared of him/his reaction?

LizzieSiddal · 15/02/2022 23:32

Honestly he’s not a nice person. Most people would be bending over backwards to help their pregnant, ill wife but he’s doing the exact opposite. Instead of helping you he’s making things worse!

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t give a shot about you?

LizzieSiddal · 15/02/2022 23:33

*shit

Suzanne999 · 15/02/2022 23:34

He really is pushing his luck isn’t he.
He begrudges doing anything.
Wants you to phone to ask what he had for lunch so you can cook something different.
Expects a meal to appear when he walks through the door
Doesn’t get up in the night to his own child.
Did he fall through a time slip from the 1950s???
Point out the fridge, food cupboard and cooker ( he sounds unfamiliar with them) He cooks his own meals from now on. He should be cooking for you.
Do NOT pander to this oaf any longer. And remind him it’s 2022, not 1952.

formalineadeline · 15/02/2022 23:34

@Jvg33

I doubt this person has thought deeply about having power over their partner. Sounds dramatic. It probably is as simple as, I travel to work and you are at home working.

Who said anything about abusers having deep contemplative thoughts reflecting on their motivations for their behaviour?

That's not generally how humans work, we just respond to our internal needs and core beliefs.

You don't understand coercive control, fine, that's your lookout. Doesn't mean that's not the dynamic.

DrSbaitso · 15/02/2022 23:35

@Jvg33

I doubt this person has thought deeply about having power over their partner. Sounds dramatic. It probably is as simple as, I travel to work and you are at home working.

No, he probably hasn't thought deeply at all...arseholes rarely do. It's not entirely conscious. But on whatever level, he thinks the robowife is there to service him at mealtimes - she even has to guess correctly what he wants so he doesn't even need to make the effort of engaging voice control - even though she works full time and is sick and pregnant, not sleeping and coping alone with an ill toddler.

He's not THINKING about the fact that he considers her to have no needs and be not fully human like he is, but he's certainly doing it. And men like this don't get better with age or more children.

Hufflepuff21 · 15/02/2022 23:38

When I was pregnant with DS1, my husband bought himself takeaway every night and ate it IN THE CAR because I had hyperemesis and couldn't cope with the smell!
YANBU. At all. Please put your foot down!

Merryoldgoat · 15/02/2022 23:38

Another day, another useless prick of a man.

Just be prepared OP - this relationship doesn’t have legs. Just get ready and prepare. Because he’s of no use or support to you and you’ll be better off without him.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 15/02/2022 23:38

Why are you having a second child with this disgusting misogynistic knobhead?

Chichimcgee · 15/02/2022 23:39

Oh OP.

You do know the way he’s manipulating you is going to get worse and worse until you apologise for making him shout, until it’s your fault he hit you.

Ask your midwife for help and support.
Get out while you can.

Pallisers · 15/02/2022 23:39

he is seriously fucking shite.

Original poster

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:43

@DryOldCaper

I’m so sorry that you’re married to an unmitigated c*nt.

Your sex life is non-extistent, right?

Because no woman in her right mind would actually want to have sex with a man like this.

I just can't. He resents me for that so much. I think it adds to how unhappy he is with me and why he gives me a hard time about dinner.

OP posts:

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