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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 16/02/2022 01:13

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

So when he complains, I try harder. Cos you know, he does work hard and is never home.. and needs my support. Even my mum calls me sometimes and is surprised if I haven't cooked for him. We always had to rush back to have dinner on the table for my father too. All hell would break loose if dinner was big on the table. God forbid we were doing a nice mother daughter activity. Everything revolved around getting dinner ready for him.

This paragraph just broke my heart- you need to understand right now that you will never be able to get it right. He sounds exactly like my ex. Whatever you do to try to 'get it right' , will never be enough. He will always move the goal posts.

I used to get a whole speech from my ex about how he didn't ask for much just to be appreciated because he wasn't one of those blokes who went to the pub after work or smacked me around! 🤬
Like I was supposed to be grateful- but the kicker is that I took all that in and felt bad for asking him for anything or to do anything. Your man has got you the same way, you don't know which way is up and which way is down. Please stop right now tying yourself in knots trying to get everything right, because you can't and just imagine trying to maintain some kind of perfection when you second baby comes along?
You know in your heart what to do but that you will do in your own time when you are ready but in the meantime just do me a little favour and when you can watch "Shirley Valentine" . It's a very tangible way to see the world through the eyes of a hell of a lot of women before you. Please don't be us, learn from us. Big hugs doll. Thanks

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 16/02/2022 01:22

OP I come from a culture where the woman is expected to do everything for the Very important man. Even is she’s highly educated and earning more than him. My husband has a ‘very important job’. I’m a sahm. Once he’s home from work he has no choice but to roll his sleeves up. Many would think I’m being an entitled bitch which is why I come on mumsnet and feel I fit right in. Child rearing is not given the credit it deserves (understatement) and domestic drudgery shouldn’t be only the woman’s job unless she has a full time nanny and surrogate that’s doing the pregnancy thing for her. Men only treat us how we let them, if I was all apologetic to my husband about dinner, cleaning etc I’m sure he’d be tutting and all sorts. He also knows if he complains he can get a cook etc. I really have no time for this crap and he knows it. Some men are so entitled they do not belong in this century but stop being his servant and he should get used to it. If he doesn’t then you need reflect on staying with this man.

PrincessNutella · 16/02/2022 01:29

There are frozen dinners. He can put one in the microwave, three minutes and he's done. If he doesn't like it, he can stfu

newbiename · 16/02/2022 01:32

You need to get up one morning and lea e him to it. Toddler as well. Selfish bastard.

321user123 · 16/02/2022 01:44

@DrSbaitso

OP, do you really, truly believe you're being unreasonable here?

Without the title, your OP appears pretty clued up as to what a dickhead he is and how absolutely sexist and unfair and chauvinistic he is. Yet for some reason, you put the question in the title.

Why do you think you need to ask this? You obviously know he's being a total shit, so why do you feel some sort of obligation to peg a question on it?

I'm not criticising you. But if you can work out why you think you should be displaying self doubt when it's clear you don't REALLY think you're in the wrong (and nor should you), it may help to explain how this horrible situation came about, and how you can get out of it like you clearly need to do.

THIS RIGHT HERE OP!!!!! 👆👆👆👆👆👆
Wordleone · 16/02/2022 01:54

My mother was focused on getting my father's dinner on the table but he would have known better than to criticise as my mother would probably have walloped him with the steak. Actually she didn't like cooking much so she probably wanted to get it out of the way. She and he or sometimes I helped to do the dishes and put them away. Also, she was a housewife so he was supporting the family.

The thing is that if you want a 1950s wife with an a la carte menu, you have to be a 1950s husband so you don't need to work. (I wouldn't suggest you give up your job under any circumstances though.)

He doesn't want to understand. He knows you have a full time job, you get the toddler up and ready for nursery every day and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. You do all the cooking and I suspect all of the housework too when you are sick. If he was that worried and stressed about your health or pregnancy he would be sharing the cooking regularly and not acting like a petulant toddler wanting his dinner rushed to the table as he enters the door.

I never cooked when I had morning sickness which is much less than hyperemesis. My husband cooks 50% of the time. Sometimes he has to wait for hours for dinner if I'm busy with work or whatever. Our childcare was split down the middle. When my youngest was a baby my husband did the night feeds for a couple of weeks to let me sleep because I was going back to work in six weeks after a caesarean and he thought I needed the sleep to recover. I had a nanny during the day of course.

Anyway, it sounds like he has a cooked lunch so he can't be exactly starving. Is he really fat with having two main meals a day?

Your husband is not fixable. I wouldn't be concerned about cooking for him or having it ready on time because I'd have left him years ago! It is hard to see what he actually brings to the relationship. Life without him would probably be easier. He is an unreasonable idiot and I'd try picturing him in a toddler outfit whining about his dinner when he kicks off about it being 30 minutes after his arrival.

Raindancer411 · 16/02/2022 02:07

Personally I would be looking to leave, as do you want this environment where mum and dad are always shouting at each other for the kids?

You need to stone walk him and let it wash over you when he says why haven't you got dinner. You don't need to explain yourself as you have a lot to deal with, esp once you also have a newborn in the mix.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/02/2022 02:11

@ihavenamexhanedtoday so he has time and funds to have steak etc for lunch but still expects you to cook him a big meal at night when you are struggling atm

Honestly, he sounds so fucking selfish. Mine was pretty selfish but he did make me a sandwich and one for the toddler before he went to work in the mornings when I was pg and had hg.

Although his selfishness did become worse once I had the 2 dc thinking about it

StarryNightSparkles · 16/02/2022 02:16

This is the first time I've said this but you really need to LTB op. Sending you 💐 there is a much better life out there for you.

HerRoyalHappiness · 16/02/2022 02:17

Seriously, LTB. You'll be so much happier of you do, I guarantee it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/02/2022 02:35

Why on earth are you with him?

IAmAThreeButIWantATen · 16/02/2022 03:19

Crikey what is the poor man's job?
12 whole hours a day. Down the mines? Brain surgeon? Curing world hunger?
Regardles, you're working a full time job, covering toddler sickness or wrap around care and up all night with toddler..oh and 8months pregnant.
So his day is 12hrs with hotel services thrown in (manages steak and pasta lunches!) Wifebot does the household running.
Your day, given you're running on 3hrs sleep, is therefore 21hrs..daddy robot goes into shut-down mode upon his arrival home or trashes the kitchen in revitalisation for you having the audacity to refuse to cook a picky person's food.

Has he said what will happen once the new baby arrives?
Will you be doing toddler waking, baby, house and meals?

IAmAThreeButIWantATen · 16/02/2022 03:21

Retaliation. Not revitalisation.
Although sounds like he has plenty of energy to whine for 30 mins rather than make his own food.

LollyLol · 16/02/2022 03:58

OP, I have some sympathy for your comment about making it difficult to change DH attitude. You are stuck living with him for now, and he is behaving appallingly.

If you are cooking for you and a toddler (who must eat quite early?) and DH is out of the house 12 hrs a day, then presumably DH is eating separately and later?

I am also FT wfh, I’m have a toddler and a primary school aged child. My DH is also FT but pulls his weigh at home. I definitely “run the household” but if my DH complained about dinner, he wouldn’t be fed again by me for weeks. And I’d be furious and hell to live with!

When we were struggling to keep on top of everything a while ago, we went back to basics with food. Beans on toast with a poached egg. Loads of salad with something Shop-bought like quiche or cheese or smoked fish. Slow cooker ham with jacket potatoes and frozen peas. Falafels in pitta with salad and some mango chutney. Spiced Couscous from a packet with roasted tomatoes. red peppers and onions. I had a huge list of things we could a) persuade the toddler to eat and b)eitherDH or I could rustle up easily. We would also have Thai, Indian or Chinese take away once a week which was a bad habit I’ve now put a stop to.

Anyway if your DH is home too late to cook for the toddler, then do NOT be cooking separately for him. You cook three portions of whatever you and toddler are eating and let him heat his up when he comes home. There are plenty of easy suitable meals. Also don’t clean up the kitchen - leave it for him to do. Don’t say a word about it, just leave it.

Your DH problems that is a whole different thing - he sounds utterly vile and I have no idea how you fix that.

HW1989 · 16/02/2022 04:25

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Wtaf

So he works

You work, are 8 months pregnant, ill, do both your share of childcare, do all the night wakes, and have to cook as well?

You do know that those lists should be completely switched around right? Just stop. Everything. He can take some emergency leave and look after the toddler. He can use that time to shop and batch cook.

You really need to stop and look after yourself before you go into early labour with the stress you're putting yourself under. And also reconsider your relationship with a selfish lazy man with no regard of the health of his wife or unborn baby.

This. Time to go on strike OP.
BobHadBitchTits · 16/02/2022 04:31

Stop cooking for him. He's a prick to you when you do it so the result is the same, with less work for you.

lovingtheheat · 16/02/2022 04:48

You're not being unreasonable. From what you've written it would be easier for you to be single as at least then you'd have one less man child to pander to. So what he works. I'm on mat leave at the moment, whilst my husband isn't great at getting up (usually doesn't hear baby), he falls over himself to make me drinks, do dinner etc as we're partners. Not saying that to make you feel bad, just to highlight your current dynamic is NOT ok. And as for possible "cultural" issues at play,y dad is from the Middle East and he and my mum operated (still do) as a team re chores, cooking childcare etc so don't let that be an excuse for him to treat you poorly. You deserve better regardless of what he or any of your relatives might say.

Also, He doesn't think you treat my him like shit, I'd wager he is gaslighting you so you think that.

ChocolateMassacre · 16/02/2022 04:54

I can't believe what I've just read. You need to stop. Just stop doing stuff for him. You are wasting precious physical and mental resources on him that you need to conserve for yourself, your unborn baby and your toddler.

OP, tell him he's stealing from you and your children. He's taking your down time, your health and your slack and preventing you from being your best self and the best parent you can be. Worst case scenario, you risk going into labour absolutely exhausted and that may have knock-on effects for you and your baby.

You're running on empty here and still he's sapping resources from you.

End it. Tell him he is an adult capable of looking after himself and you're not his skivvy. So there will be no more dinners from now on and he can spend the time he presently spends moaning cooking something for you instead.

Long-term, I'm afraid I couldn't even look at him in your shoes so I'd be plotting to LTB. But you're understandably ground down and overwhelmed atm, so making plans may have to wait while you concentrate on the here and now.

Migrainesbythedozen · 16/02/2022 05:00

Why did you get pregnant a second time to this pig? Honestly he is scum, treating you like this! He should be cooking YOU dinner. I'd walk out of this 'marriage'. I really would he sees you as his slave, he doesn't give a fuck about you. Why are you with him? Get some self respect. This is 2022, not the 1940s. You are 8 months pregnant, a real man would be looking after you. Not the other way around. Do you want your children to be raised thinking that pig of a 'man' is how you treat a woman? Get out before the baby is due.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 16/02/2022 05:00

I hope that I am not breaking the rules by saying what I am about to say, but if I am, and it upsets anyone apart from OPs partner then my apologies, and please take it down.

OP, I presume that your partner is a manual labourer doing something equivalent to 10 or 11 hours down a mine hacking for coal (I know that thank God we don't have anyone in this country who does that anymore, but that he does something that is extremely hard physical work, with no breaks etc? I also assume that it is not something like working in his own shop, because to own a shop (or any business really) you need to have quite a lot of intelligence, and common sense, and your partner obviously has none.

He would need to know what products/produce sells well in the area he works in, he would need to understand how, why, and when he needed to order new stock, he would need to be aware of his storage facilities, both for how much he can store until it goes on to the shop floor, and whether it needs any special storage facilities, eg fridges, freezers, cold rooms etc. He would probably need to know how to employ at least one or two other people - and that in itself is a minefield, that I know very little about as I have never been in that position - but I expect that at the very least that they need a properly executed contract of employment, that will state their working hours, the type of things they are expected to do to fulfill their role, how much they get paid per hour, your partner's contribution to their pension, whether they get paid sick pay, and how much, and for how long (I naively thought that every person employed by someone else, got paid for their sick leave, someone who I am very close to told me recently that they didn't, and they are not self-employed - I was astounded). Then, of course, if your partner employs people, he will have to sort out all their tax returns etc, yes I presume that he could employ an accountant for that and all the other account issues to do with running a business, but I believe that many business owners prefer to do it themselves to save money, especially during the present and recent past, economic climate. Doing all of his own accounts could also go towards explaining why he is out of the house for 12 hours a day.

Your partner will also need to be 'personable' if he deals with either his own employees or customers, and obviously if he deals with both. If he doesn't know how to be polite and friendly with them he should very quickly find himself without both staff and customers. But being pleasant doesn't come naturally to your partner does it, he would have to work at it all day long at work, and I just can't see your partner being able to pull that off long term. So your partner can't need to employ people because his thoroughly obnoxious personality would not let him keep them. He can't run anything like even a small shop, because he hasn't shown any sign of actually having enough brain cells to achieve any of the necessary requirements to do so. His behaviour towards you shows a complete lack of both basic knowledge, and care, about how to treat another human being, let alone the person he is supposed to love even more than himself (sorry, but ha ha), the person he should respect and want the very best for, the person who in this case is also a mother to his first born, a mother to another one in her belly, you.

Even if your partner did work on a mine face, 12 hours a day and with no breaks, he should not expect you - who works 24 hours a day (even if some of that is 'on-call' duty) looking after the most precious things in the world, much more priceless than any gold in a gold mine, your and his children - to have a meal ready for him, a clean house,and ever open legs (another apology OP, one for my crudeness, and one for the vomit that just came into my mouth even contemplating having sex with someone who could look like a young Omar Shariff, but would make me feel violated if he came anywhere near me).

OP I assume that that awful prankster 'love', with the rose coloured spectacles, that he gives out to anyone eager to accept them - I am not insulting you here OP, in my younger days I have been known to wear those dazzling pink glasses, many of us otherwise intelligent and discerning women have fallen prisoner to those particular eye pieces - is what made you be with this semblance of a man, but I really hope that you have managed to take them off now, your thread suggests that you have? If you have discarded them, then I hope that the many great answers here by previous PPs, have helped you realise that: as you do all of the child care, all of the house care, nearly all of your partner's care, but very sadly hardly any of your own care, and that the only thing your partner provides is finance (and you even do part of that too), that you need to leave this parasite, this is not a symbiotic relationship, he brings you nothing but self doubt, heartache, and very hard work, and eventually he will do the same for your children.

I am so sorry if I am being too harsh on you here OP, that is definitely not my attention, hearing about your seemingly worthless partner, has left me feeling so angry at him, and with so much sympathy for you and your children, that I felt compelled to try to encourage you to leave him, or rather to throw him out if that is possible, and for you to realise that without him you will actually have less work to do, and much more happiness to savour.

jennytogether · 16/02/2022 05:10

OP do you have anyone in your life who you can talk to about this, who can support you? Can you make your mum see more clearly perhaps, or I’d there a friend or work colleague that can offer you moral support?

To mr, relationships should be mutually beneficial partnerships. If you ask yourself the question, would my life be easier or harder without him? And the answer is easier, then you’re his servant.

With another baby on the way, wouldn’t life be simpler without having to also look after the big baby??!? I think you should leave.

tillytown · 16/02/2022 05:32

Just leave him?

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 05:38

@jennytogether

OP do you have anyone in your life who you can talk to about this, who can support you? Can you make your mum see more clearly perhaps, or I’d there a friend or work colleague that can offer you moral support?

To mr, relationships should be mutually beneficial partnerships. If you ask yourself the question, would my life be easier or harder without him? And the answer is easier, then you’re his servant.

With another baby on the way, wouldn’t life be simpler without having to also look after the big baby??!? I think you should leave.

Only my mum. She is very angry about it and thinks it's very unfair. I was complaining yesterday about his behaviour on Sunday to my mum.

He had a lie in ( I never ever do ) and then god for it, he emptied the dishwasher and just was so miserable about it, huffing and puffing and almost shaking his head as he was doing it. He also always just chucks everything in the wrong place if he does empty it. Think all the knives and forks just get chucked in the drawer, rather than in the right place. Same with all other stuff and then it's hard to find and looks messy, childish. I've told him a million times but he continues.

In any case, the way he emptied it, huffing and puffing really fucked me off. So I didn't want to talk to her again today because I know it really upsets her. Yet she does think it's my duty to have his dinner ready when he gets home from work. The other day she asked me what I made for him and I said, nothing. I'm exhausted and barely keeping it together so I ordered a burger. I said, he can't expect dinner every night at the moment and she said yes you're absolutely right. So she does get it a bit, but old habits die hard don't they. She's so conditioned to have dinner ready...

When she comes to see us ( she lives a flight away unfortunately ), my husband loves it. She makes him creative meals every night and sets up the table all perfect for him. ( I usually, especially now, just leave something on the stove for him, because I've already eaten with toddler ). She pours him wine, everything is nicely set up for him and he just loves it and always comments how I should try some recipes of hers etc and be more creative and not always serve the same things.

He just says it's not much to ask apparently...and he doesn't see how it's such a big deal and then says ' fine I'll do it myself ' if I say I just can't do it. Like he's some hard done by man.

I may add, food is a big thing in both families. So that adds to this. You just can't serve him a microwave meal etc or beans on toast. I'm much more flexible and can just eat whatever. But everyone else, including him, is really picky and want to be fed a variety of meals etc and good food. All stuff that takes a lot of time and effort- to shop for and to make.

OP posts:
wildseas · 16/02/2022 05:45

I agree with everyone saying to just stop doing it. You’ve got the perfect reason at the moment.

Eat your own meal at the same time that you feed your toddler and go to bed when they go to bed. Read a book, get a magazine, watch something on a laptop in bed. You don’t have to sleep straight away - although it sounds like you’re tired enough that you might - but definitely don’t get up.

On the first day you’ doing it text your husband to explain that you feel poorly with your pregnancy and ask him to sort his own dinner.

How he reacts to you starting doing this will give you a clear idea of what your next step needs to be

Scarydinosaurs · 16/02/2022 05:45

So 12 hour shifts are tough - but what is his shift pattern and what happens on days he’s not working?

You say he has steak/pasta for lunch so who is making that?

Do you work Mon-Fri and his shifts are on/off?

I’m trying to work out if this is a ‘two days of the week’ problem, or every night?

How is the rest of the housework split? Is this row occurring because you cook and he does everything else?

The age old ‘make a list and show him what you do’ might work.