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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 15/02/2022 23:06

It's a bit expected that dinner is on the table for a man who goes out to work.

I think that you need to explain that this 1950s attitude will ONLY ever work when the man is pulling his 1950s weight - ie is earning enough to maintain the household. When he pulls his financial weight and provides like a 1950s man then you might consider cooking like a 1950s oppressed housewife. Until such time as he steps up to the plate financially he can take his turn in cooking. Suggest you eat with the real toddler and let the grown up toddler cook his own meal....

HaveringWavering · 15/02/2022 23:08

Bloody hell. My husband doesn’t expect me to make him dinner and I get 8 hours sleep a night and have no health problems. I do cook dinner quite often but he would never, ever take that for granted.
With your current pregnancy, sick child and health problems he should be cooking for you, shift work or not. What a cunt.

SeaToSki · 15/02/2022 23:08

Pack up and go to your Mums for a week, leave him to it (with the toddler too). Your Mum can cook you nice meals and help you get your strength back for giving birth and the newborn insanity

violetbunny · 15/02/2022 23:09

What a misogynist prick.

I would tell him that since he's never happy with what you cook, he is now in charge of cooking dinner for everyone, and cleaning up afterwards. If he wants to strop about it, ignore it and let him. You will no longer be providing him with any form of catering.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2022 23:09

I was unwell in pregnancy. Dp did just about all the cooking for us and our young boys for months. Batch cooked on weekends. Yours sounds awful and would have had his last cooked meal from me for a long time if ever. Just tell him the truth - he’s a healthy adult who works, does he want a gold medal? You’re a man unwell pregnant woman caring for a toddler who also works full time and he’s a selfish asshole who should be cooking for the whole family and getting up with toddler at nights, and you’re horrified now you realise how little he cares for any of you when you need some help, and you aren’t planning on cooking for him anymore, you need your energy to look after you and your children since none else in your relationship is doing that.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:12

He just does not understand it. It's so frustrating.

Apparently it's me and I nag him.

Once he said to me that I won't be happy with him, until he does everything. Like I am already just asking for so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:13

@SeaToSki

Pack up and go to your Mums for a week, leave him to it (with the toddler too). Your Mum can cook you nice meals and help you get your strength back for giving birth and the newborn insanity
I would love to. But I don't even have the strength for the journey.
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 15/02/2022 23:14

OP, do you really, truly believe you're being unreasonable here?

Without the title, your OP appears pretty clued up as to what a dickhead he is and how absolutely sexist and unfair and chauvinistic he is. Yet for some reason, you put the question in the title.

Why do you think you need to ask this? You obviously know he's being a total shit, so why do you feel some sort of obligation to peg a question on it?

I'm not criticising you. But if you can work out why you think you should be displaying self doubt when it's clear you don't REALLY think you're in the wrong (and nor should you), it may help to explain how this horrible situation came about, and how you can get out of it like you clearly need to do.

ThomasinaGallico · 15/02/2022 23:15

In your position I would be tempted to sprinkle his dinner with a special family herb mix like in Recipe for a Perfect Marriage. Only half joking.

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 23:15

Ha! Tell him to get stuffed

DrSbaitso · 15/02/2022 23:15

I would love to. But I don't even have the strength for the journey.

Can you ask your mother to help you? You need to find this strength somehow. Could channel your reserves by having him make his own dinner a few times.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:16

@DrSbaitso

OP, do you really, truly believe you're being unreasonable here?

Without the title, your OP appears pretty clued up as to what a dickhead he is and how absolutely sexist and unfair and chauvinistic he is. Yet for some reason, you put the question in the title.

Why do you think you need to ask this? You obviously know he's being a total shit, so why do you feel some sort of obligation to peg a question on it?

I'm not criticising you. But if you can work out why you think you should be displaying self doubt when it's clear you don't REALLY think you're in the wrong (and nor should you), it may help to explain how this horrible situation came about, and how you can get out of it like you clearly need to do.

Because of his reaction. Because he just doesn't seem to understand. So I end up questioning myself. Is it really me ? Am I the problem? Is it so much to ask to have dinner ready for a man who works so hard and such long hours etc ?

That's why I ask. It's like I know it's not OK, but because of how he responds to me, I end up having a doubt that maybe I'm selfish and maybe it's not that much to ask for a meal ?

OP posts:
Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 23:16

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

He just does not understand it. It's so frustrating.

Apparently it's me and I nag him.

Once he said to me that I won't be happy with him, until he does everything. Like I am already just asking for so much.

Your husband is an arsehole. It’s not about ‘getting him to understand’. Nothing being discussed here is complex or hard to grasp. He’s treating you like shit, and he is aware of it. He just doesn’t care. There’s no way you can ‘explain’ it to him that will make him care. It’s not going to happen.

So, what are you going to do about your situation?

coffy11 · 15/02/2022 23:18

Leave him. He's never going to get it, men like this never do.

FrecklesMalone · 15/02/2022 23:18

You need to open your eyes to what a prick you live with. Get someone to take you to your Mum's. He is a cunt living in the past. You don't have to put up with his useless arse.
My DH works shifts, on his day off he used to look after our 4 kids so that I could go to uni. He brings me breakfast in bed and now we both work FT he does half the cooking, cleaning and childcare. And why not.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:18

@Sweetlikejollof I think he thinks I treat him like shit !

OP posts:
zeg3885 · 15/02/2022 23:18

You poor thing. Your the parent of a man child. I too have one of those Grin, he is in training as we speak. It’s taken a while but we’re slowly getting there. Cut everything down the middle - Every. Single. Thing!! U do your half, let him do his half, let him whinge - he won’t whinge forever, he’ll hopefully adapt and if not tell him to fuck off!!

Cakeybubblespink · 15/02/2022 23:19

You poor thing!

Firstly you are no way being unreasonable.

I had hypermesis and I couldn't stand the smell of food I hardly cooked during my pregnancy due to this my partner had to do most of the cooking for himself and my ds.

Ontop of that you are 8 months pregnant working full time and looking after your child doing night feeds and I imagine your doing all the housework too. You really do not need this stress from him he should be looking after you right now not the other way round.

I can't believe his behaviour, he really needs a kick up the ass!

Sending my love ❤️

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:20

@coffy11

Leave him. He's never going to get it, men like this never do.
He just turns it around on me all the time. What a poor man he is that he doesn't get XYZ from me.
OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 15/02/2022 23:20

He is a class A cunt.

2catsandhappy · 15/02/2022 23:21

His mess making is deliberate, nasty, vicious and spiteful.
He is having cooked meals for lunch. He won't fade away.
His utter lack of respect for you speaks volumes that he thinks you are swanning about having a lovely easy time at home. You are being punished.
Utter, utter arse.
I am so sorry you are having a rough time. Online orders for ready meals and get yourself to bed. Or to mum.

Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 23:21

[quote ihavenamexhanedtoday]@Sweetlikejollof I think he thinks I treat him like shit ! [/quote]
And you know perfectly well that that’s bullshit. So, fuck him. Stop caring about what he thinks and focus on yourself. What are you going to do?

I’ve already shared this link today, but the abusive relationships are out in full force tonight. Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That’ has saved many women from abusive relationships. I hope you read it and that it helps you.

Here’s a link to a free PDF: ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 23:22

No more cooking for this partner springs to mind. You haven't any time anymore. Tomorrow when he asks where dinner is, I would reply; 'i didn't know you wanted dinner.' And repeat daily. Or say, 'i thought you were making dinner tonight'. Continue every day to act ignorant

Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 23:23

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 23:24

Is he okay at making meals?