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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:46

@puffyisgood

I can understand him getting home hungry and not wanting to wait long to eat but in the circumstances he should obviously be sorting something for himself even if it's only a sandwich. I doubt he'd mind that if you suggested it.
That's the problem, he minds ! I said, look in the fridge, there are lots of things to keep you going.. he just wasn't happy about that.
OP posts:
NeverChange · 15/02/2022 22:46

He is being so incredibly selfish and lacks complete awareness.

You are pregnant.
You are ill.
Child is ill.
You are working full time.
Have most of childcare & household tasks.

Anyone with half a clue would realise this is a difficult time for you.

He should be supporting and cooking for you if anything.

If it were me, he would get a frozen pizza chucked in the oven ever night or he could cook for himself.

You need to take it easy, rest, distress and mind yourself and your pregnancy. That should be your priority right now. He isn't going to starve or waste away.

If I was near you in the UK, I would even batch cook for you. Maybe a friend or family member could help you (not him, he can do without). You've a lot on your plate.

FantasticFebruary · 15/02/2022 22:47

Bloody hell, how in gods name did you get pregnant again? Absolute twat would be nowhere near me, Sid talking to the midwife!, talk to a solicitor!!

Mooloolabababy · 15/02/2022 22:49

Wow, what have I just read??!!
what a selfish prick he is!
Tell him to stop being such a winey arsehole and make his own dinner and maybe make some for you too seeing as you're doing 2 full time jobs right now (full time mum AND full time work) as well as being 8 months pregnant.
Tell him to wash the dishes afterwards too!!!!!

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:50

@Rosebuud

Is there a cultural thing here op? I can’t quite fathom why you’re both behaving like this. Unless it’s cultural? You being subservient to him and him having expections of you doing the domestic work?
Maybe a bit ? It's a bit expected that dinner is on the table for a man who goes out to work. That's how my mum/ his mum have always done it.
OP posts:
Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:51

@Mooloolabababy

Wow, what have I just read??!! what a selfish prick he is! Tell him to stop being such a winey arsehole and make his own dinner and maybe make some for you too seeing as you're doing 2 full time jobs right now (full time mum AND full time work) as well as being 8 months pregnant. Tell him to wash the dishes afterwards too!!!!!
Trust me, I do tell him and shout at him. But he told me to leave him alone and that I'm so difficult and nagging him all the time.
OP posts:
IWasFunBeforeMum · 15/02/2022 22:51

What an utter prick..I'd put a stop to this before baby 2 comes because honestly doing all you do (even on mat leave) his meal would be the last thing on my mind. What an arsehole.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2022 22:52

This is horrendous. I agree with what everyone else has said. You both do full time work. You additionally are ill and pregnant. He should be doing all of these night wakings, cooking etc. You should be resting - the work and the pregnancy are enough, and although I appreciate you want to spend time with your toddler, he should be doing all the hard graft there too.

What a lazy, misogynistic bastard.

Babynames2 · 15/02/2022 22:53

It's a bit expected that dinner is on the table for a man who goes out to work. That's how my mum/ his mum have always done it.

But you’re working as well, so why isn’t he expected to make you dinner? My DH works shifts and never expects to come home to dinner. He might occasionally text and ask what we’ve got in and I’ll offer to put something on but 9 times out of 10 he sorts it himself.

Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 22:53

Did your mum and his mum also work full time?

You’re heavily pregnant, working full time, doing all the housework, caring for a sick child…and getting into a tizzy because your husband expects a carefully curated dinner on the table every night. Surely you can see that this is just mad?!

Stop. Stop pandering to this misogynist. You cannot continue to live like this!

Mooloolabababy · 15/02/2022 22:54

Well I couldn't stay with someone like that op. It sounds like you're pretty much a single parent anyway, but with an extra man child to look after. At least if you're on your own you have one less person to feed and one less arsehole to deal with!

Bug8 · 15/02/2022 22:54

I feel for you OP, I have the same problem and feel like he will never understand how hard I work. Am 24 weeks pregnant and also have a toddler, work and have to cook and clean etc......thought I was alone going through this.

YANBU OP, your DH should really be more understanding and help as much as he can. Sending you hugs, stay strong, do what you can and don't stress especially being 8 months pregnant.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2022 22:54

It's a bit expected that dinner is on the table for a man who goes out to work. That's how my mum/ his mum have always done it.

But were they working too, for a wage I mean? That’s the problem with this type of man. They want to be waited on hand and foot like part generations of men were, but they are also very keen that their wives bring in money from paid work!

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:54

@Sweetlikejollof

Did your mum and his mum also work full time?

You’re heavily pregnant, working full time, doing all the housework, caring for a sick child…and getting into a tizzy because your husband expects a carefully curated dinner on the table every night. Surely you can see that this is just mad?!

Stop. Stop pandering to this misogynist. You cannot continue to live like this!

No didn't work full time. My mum is angry for me.

But when she comes over, she panders to him and cooks him nice meals.

OP posts:
Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 22:55

Trust me, I do tell him and shout at him. But he told me to leave him alone and that I'm so difficult and nagging him all the time

I cannot believe what I’m reading. Point out that he’s the one going the nagging, then take him at his word and leave him alone. Let him sort his own dinner.

TTstormtrooper · 15/02/2022 22:55

@Cherrysoup

I’d be buying ready meals, adding in boil in the bag veg. If he’s whinging about steak, he’ll never be happy. Wtaf?! Asshole.
Really? I'd be telling him to shove his dinner up his arse and telling him to do everything for himself from now on.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2022 22:56

I HAD one a bit like this - emphasis on the had! He didn’t actually complain about meals, but in similar circumstances was forever moaning about housework - but not actually doing it himself!

Redroceritsover · 15/02/2022 22:56

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EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/02/2022 22:57

Sod that shit. I'm probably quite a bit older than you and I've had the same from men twice.

You don't get to moan about my cooking more than a couple of times before I stop doing it completely

I had hg and a toddler at one point and struggled to cook at all and I wasn't working full time . Tell him to fuck off

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/02/2022 22:58

Did he actually moan about steak because he'd already had it in the day?

Sweetlikejollof · 15/02/2022 22:58

No didn't work full time. My mum is angry for me

Exactly. He wants the whole ‘head of the household’ coming home to dinner on the table schtick. However, you’re both working full time. He should be making dinner at least half the week, or doing a similar chore to offset it. You must see how insanely unfair this all is?

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 23:01

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Did he actually moan about steak because he'd already had it in the day?
Yes. Or he'll moan that he had pasta for lunch, if I've made pasta..

Then he says I should call him and ask him what he's had for lunch hahahahaha So I don't make the same thing. I told him to seriously F off. I said, you should be calling me on your way home and asking me if you should pick something up on your way home etc

OP posts:
FiftyStoriesHigh · 15/02/2022 23:01

OP can you list any ways in which he shows affectionate towards you? Because it sounds like he couldn’t give a crap about you. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy like that you poor thing.

Flickflak · 15/02/2022 23:01

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DrSbaitso · 15/02/2022 23:05

He just does not get it. One bit.

Then stop doing it. I can't believe this. He thinks you're a robot wife and nanny/housekeeper that doesn't even need recharging or voice control, you should just keep on going while sick and sleep deprived and he shouldn't even have to tell you what he doesn't want for dinner even as he tells you off for getting it wrong. He thinks you are white goods with tits. He needs to go fuck himself, yesterday.