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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 15/02/2022 22:25

🤷‍♀️

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/02/2022 22:27

Wtaf

So he works

You work, are 8 months pregnant, ill, do both your share of childcare, do all the night wakes, and have to cook as well?

You do know that those lists should be completely switched around right? Just stop. Everything. He can take some emergency leave and look after the toddler. He can use that time to shop and batch cook.

You really need to stop and look after yourself before you go into early labour with the stress you're putting yourself under. And also reconsider your relationship with a selfish lazy man with no regard of the health of his wife or unborn baby.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 15/02/2022 22:29

Yanbu

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:29

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Wtaf

So he works

You work, are 8 months pregnant, ill, do both your share of childcare, do all the night wakes, and have to cook as well?

You do know that those lists should be completely switched around right? Just stop. Everything. He can take some emergency leave and look after the toddler. He can use that time to shop and batch cook.

You really need to stop and look after yourself before you go into early labour with the stress you're putting yourself under. And also reconsider your relationship with a selfish lazy man with no regard of the health of his wife or unborn baby.

He just does not get it. One bit.
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/02/2022 22:31

I’d be buying ready meals, adding in boil in the bag veg. If he’s whinging about steak, he’ll never be happy. Wtaf?! Asshole.

CyberNan · 15/02/2022 22:32

i wouldn't be buying ready meals, i would be telling him to fook off.

2pinkginsplease · 15/02/2022 22:33

He is being unreasonable!

Just don’t make dinner one night, let him deal with it.

What’s he going to do when he has a toddler to look after and you are in hospital having he baby? Stop enabling him to be so useless.

Bel1991 · 15/02/2022 22:34

It's not 1954. Yoy shouldn't be expected to take orders for dinner at any time, let alone when you're about to pop, being unwell and looking after another baby.
You are not being unreadable whatsoever.
I'm sorry this is happening for you!
I hope you can have a conversation with your DH to let him know how much you're struggling at the moment, maybe he can help out a a bit.
I wonder if you could both try to work together to do some meal prepping on the weekend to get ready for the week/ weeks after you have your new baby
Good luck!

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:34

@Cherrysoup

I’d be buying ready meals, adding in boil in the bag veg. If he’s whinging about steak, he’ll never be happy. Wtaf?! Asshole.
He's never happy with what I cook. I just don't have the time to spend ages. I don't really cook for him. I cook for our child. We all eat the same thing. That's already enough work for the day. I don't cook terrible stuff, but nothing overly fancy. Just what I can. It's never enough.
OP posts:
Natty13 · 15/02/2022 22:34

He's not going to get it until you make him. Sorry but that's the cold truth. There are no magic words that will make him understand, only actions. It is a tale as old as time, there literally isn't any way to make him see until you stop skivvying around after him.

DowntonCrabby · 15/02/2022 22:36

Option 3. He can get to actual fuck, the lazy misogynist prick.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2022 22:37

When I was pregnant with my first I had hideous sickness. My DH never once expected a meal from me.

When I was pregnant with No 2, sick again. Not only did he do most of the cooking, he did a fair bit of childcare too.

Same with No 3.

Tell your H that the 1950s are calling. They're missing him terribly.

AFP10 · 15/02/2022 22:38

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Wtaf

So he works

You work, are 8 months pregnant, ill, do both your share of childcare, do all the night wakes, and have to cook as well?

You do know that those lists should be completely switched around right? Just stop. Everything. He can take some emergency leave and look after the toddler. He can use that time to shop and batch cook.

You really need to stop and look after yourself before you go into early labour with the stress you're putting yourself under. And also reconsider your relationship with a selfish lazy man with no regard of the health of his wife or unborn baby.

Could not agree more! Stop! This should have been addressed and rebalanced a long time ago but if not now then when?! It won't be easy, you may need some couples therapy to help address the underlying issues which drive his behaviour and lack of care towards you, toddler and bump. Speak with your midwife as they may be able to expedite this for you.
Good luck and please know you are worth being prioritised, cared for and supported! You're awesome holding it all together for this long.
billy1966 · 15/02/2022 22:40

I just cannot believe what I am reading.

You are having a second child with this lazy, selfish pig.

Yes that's right.

A lazy, selfish, PIG.

You work, do the toddler minding, up at nights and you are cooking for a waster, who has the absolute nerve to give out about the food?

What happened to you OP that you accept this and that your standards are so low?

So sad and so truly unbelievable.

You poor woman.

He is scum.
A total waster.

Another one.🙄🤷‍♀️

Notimeforaname · 15/02/2022 22:40

No, you'll have to stop cooking for him altogether.

Or you'll have to just deal with the comments he makes.

I'm sorry he treats you like this. Stop doing things for him.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:41

@AFP10 you really think I should talk to the midwife about this ?

I've been trying to get through to him for so long about all this and it just doesn't work. When he does stuff it's always bearing a grudge too.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 15/02/2022 22:41

Go to bed as soon as he gets home. Call him in advance and tell him he'll have to sort out food for you both as you are too exhausted to do it. Remind him you are pregnant, and growing a baby, and you cannot physically manage anymore.
Tell him he'll need to make arrangements for nursery drop off and pickup, and for the toddler's sick days as you can't manage it any more. Got to bed and stay there until you have had enough sleep. If necessary do that in a hotel or at your Mum's if you can.
My experience is, that if you soldier on doing everything, it looks like you can cope.
You'll need to have a full and frank discussion with H about buying in help if he's not prepared to shoulder a lot more of the burden.
As for him complaining about having steak, well, he's just being a git.

Rosebuud · 15/02/2022 22:42

Is there a cultural thing here op? I can’t quite fathom why you’re both behaving like this. Unless it’s cultural? You being subservient to him and him having expections of you doing the domestic work?

HelloPanda12 · 15/02/2022 22:42

Just stop cooking for him all together. What’s he going to do about it other than feed himself like a grown ass adult usually would? I’m also 8 months pregnant and I’m struggling without a toddler so I really feel for you. My fiancé never expects food to be ready when he gets home from work even though I’m home all day, in fact he’s come home and cooked for me a few times this past month (with instructions, he’s not the most confident cook lol) or helps me with the cooking every night.

He’s not taking you or your current struggles into consideration at the moment so you need to just do what you need to do for you, he’ll eventually sort himself out or failing that can piss off back to his mummy if he needs feeding.

puffyisgood · 15/02/2022 22:44

I can understand him getting home hungry and not wanting to wait long to eat but in the circumstances he should obviously be sorting something for himself even if it's only a sandwich. I doubt he'd mind that if you suggested it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2022 22:44

You are 8 months pregnant with a toddler and a variety of health issues. You shouldn’t be even THINKING of cooking for him. If he’s going to tantrum at the thought of going to the shops, then to maintain peace for now, get a bunch of ready meals and bits and bobs and fling them in the fridge/freezer. (Cook deliver, a lot of them are microwaveable, frozen mash rocks, etc).

And then, when and only when you have the strength, address why you are married to a selfish, sexist man-child, and how you are going to kick his arse till he changes, or lands on the pavement as you kick the front door shut behind him. Do you have a career to go back to?

Fluenty · 15/02/2022 22:44

So to confirm

You:

  1. Don’t sleep
  2. Care for sick toddler all night
  3. Care for toddler all day / do pick ups and drop offs
  4. Are growing a human
  5. Work full time
  6. Cook all meals

And you’re doing so with multiple health issues

He

  1. Works full time
  2. ….Nothing else

To make it worse, when he gets takeaway he just gets it for himself?
and he just complains about all the things you’re doing?

And he thinks that’s ok and you’re not sure if he’s an idiot?

Tell him to go f himself

billy1966 · 15/02/2022 22:44

If you don't give your head a wobble you are going to end up as one abused woman.

His behaviour towards you is not of a decent man.

He is a shit husband.
He is a shit father.

His treatment of you while you are pregnant complaining continuously is emotionally abusive.

Talk to your health visitor.
Speak to Women's aid.

With a man this awful, things will only get worse.

Have you any family?
Friends?

Contact them and tell the truth about his treatment and behaviour.

You are being ground down by him.
You may not realise it, but your are.

This is not a good man.

Please protect yourself.
Flowers

Picklesandbeans · 15/02/2022 22:45

Honestly I know this sounds horrible but this situation says more about you than him. Are you really going to put up with being a doormat ? Not fair to bring dc up thinking that's a normal relationship in this era.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/02/2022 22:45

And just to be explicit, why do you and H both think think that him being tired from shiftwork trumps you being tired from pregnancy, working and looking after a toddler?
You have to value yourself, and show that you treat yourself seriously. So what if he expects dinner? He'll have to unexpect it. If he grumps around, so be it. That's just him trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. In the tiredness stakes, you are the tiredest, do not consider it your job to carry on pandering to him.