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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
Crucible · 15/02/2022 15:53

Your mum could have gone for donation, if your dad was not fertile (before Sis steams in..) people kept these things very quiet in the early days of the practice.

DanceForeverUnderTheLights · 15/02/2022 15:54

Perhaps your DF couldn't have children and they chose to use a sperm donor. You could start a conversation with your mum about doing your family tree, and that you and your sister and thinking of doing Ancestry and having your dna tested. Dont tell her you know yet and see if she volunteers anything. She might be more likely to if you take a softly softly approach, rather than accusatory. It's definitely a difficult one though.

DanceForeverUnderTheLights · 15/02/2022 15:54

X post!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/02/2022 15:55

Yikes.

I mean I'd 100% want to know what happened, who my real dad was and why I was never told...but on the other hand, is it worth all the upset? Has anything really changed? Is she hoping to find your biological dad?

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:56

@Crucible we did consider this but very unlikely given the years we were born, how accessible it was then and the same father 3 years apart

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 15/02/2022 15:56

I can understand it not bothering you. I can also understand your sister wanting to know.

Are there any matches about who of your FF or family you don't know that's coming up?

Also, can I ask which company did you use?

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2022 15:56

Do you both share the same father?

Chances are its donation whether your dad knew about it or not

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2022 15:56

How did she get a sample of DF DNA if he is dead?

ArnoldBee · 15/02/2022 15:57

Has your DF done a dna test then?

The issue with my father's paternal tree is that it seems to be a family trait not to be interested in family history so I have no dna or tree matches in that part of tree!

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:58

sorry don't mean to drip feed. She knew my sister was doing the family tree, she also knew DS had done DNA but the original assumption was one of our uncles had played fast and loose! She was asked and said she didn't know.

OP posts:
WoozieFloozie · 15/02/2022 15:58

I'm just being curious as you said your dad is no longer alive and wondered how you checked this with his DNA, did u get your dad's DNA before he passed away?

mamakoukla · 15/02/2022 15:59

In terms of donation - it may have been done the traditional way, so to speak. I know of a happily married couple who went this route and a third person

butterflymum · 15/02/2022 16:06

Just in case you weren't aware, there is a Genealogy board:

Mumsnet Genealogy board

Some folks there might have experienced similar and be able to offer suggestions.

Pedalpushers · 15/02/2022 16:12

I don't understand how you have matched or not matched to your parents without them submitting DNA?

L40Postcode · 15/02/2022 16:14

How did you get your DF’s DNA if he’s dead?

WheresYourSnickers · 15/02/2022 16:19

@lynfordthecrab

sorry don't mean to drip feed. She knew my sister was doing the family tree, she also knew DS had done DNA but the original assumption was one of our uncles had played fast and loose! She was asked and said she didn't know.
I'm confused as to who the "shes" are in this post. To be honest I can see your sister's side, I think I'd want to know too.
OhFuckBloodyHell · 15/02/2022 16:25

I'm struggling, like PPs, to figure out how you know you're not related to DF, assuming you didn't dna test DF?

What do you know for fact? That your DSon and you aren't related to... Who? Whose dna are you comparing to his that should be related and isn't?

From your comment about uncles, are you comparing to one of your nieces or nephews?

Peccary · 15/02/2022 16:25

The question on how she got the paternal sample is an important one, have any other paternal family done the DNA?

GladysAndFred · 15/02/2022 16:28

I would want to know!

Merlott · 15/02/2022 16:28

Well presumably your mum was there at conception so she knows your father isn't your biological father?

It's not going to be a shock to her, so "fallout" is only going to be for your sister. You already said you don't care and your mum already knows so.. this doesn't have to be dramatic

GladysAndFred · 15/02/2022 16:30

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s.

She probably wasted so much time tracing her "father's" line 😆

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2022 16:30

@Peccary

The question on how she got the paternal sample is an important one, have any other paternal family done the DNA?
My sons matched with a great uncle on there fathers side I matched with my father's cousin neither of my parents took the test
Georgeskitchen · 15/02/2022 16:31

You mum surely must have done a dna as well? I'm confused

mnahmnah · 15/02/2022 16:31

I think DS is her sister? So and ‘her’ in the last post is her mum, who knew she was doing research, but doesn’t know the DNA findings?

ThreeRingCircus · 15/02/2022 16:32

It's not going to be a shock to her, so "fallout" is only going to be for your sister. You already said you don't care and your mum already knows so.. this doesn't have to be dramatic

I agree with this and personally, would have to ask. Not in a dramatic/accusatory way but it would drive me mad not knowing.