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AIBU?

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Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 17:12

What do you mean you don't have any matches on the paternal side? Do you mean there are no matches to the man you grew up with as dad? Or do you mean there are no matches to a paternal side?

One thing I would recommend is the model "Truth Tellers vs Secret Keepers". Some people want to know information and facts. These are the Truth Tellers who can get stick for being disruptive. Others are Secret Keepers, they don't feel the need to know. They don't want to rock the boat.
I like this model because it keeps both approaches in an "Ok position". Neither is wrong or flawed, they are just different.

Flaxmeadow · 15/02/2022 17:13

If your father had not done a DNA test then how do you know he is biologically related to that side of the family you are matching with? As others have said, he could have been adopted. Another possibility is the other matches are just too distant

McClary111 · 15/02/2022 17:13

If your father was adopted then your dna will not match his relatives. Depending on when he was born, if he was adopted he may never have been told.

AgathaX · 15/02/2022 17:13

You've already asked your mum and she said she didn't know?

TurquoiseDragon · 15/02/2022 17:17

@McClary111

If your father was adopted then your dna will not match his relatives. Depending on when he was born, if he was adopted he may never have been told.
But if, as it seems from OP's posts, an uncle has a very high % match as a relative, then the possibility of an affair can't be ruled out either.
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 15/02/2022 17:18

@butterflymum

Just in case you weren't aware, there is a Genealogy board:

Mumsnet Genealogy board

Some folks there might have experienced similar and be able to offer suggestions.

Seconding this suggestion because you will find some informed guidance there for this sensitive area.
Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 17:22

Sorry it would appear I have confused you all somewhat.
The cousin we match with is NOT a relative we knew about.
We match with my mothers side and this new found cousin.
The new cousin is not a relative of my mothers.
The DNA shows that one of the new cousins uncles have to be bio father, because she shows as first cousin to us.
So our DM shows as DM and we have a 1st cousin that is not known to the family which implies one of the new cousins uncles is dad

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 15/02/2022 17:23

So it looks like your father is your maternal cousin’s, dad’s brother?

NoCauseRebel · 15/02/2022 17:24

Personally I think no good can come of these DNA tests.

Quite aside from the frightening willingness of people to give their dna to random companies with absolutely no idea as to what might happen to it in future, some things just aren’t meant to be known.

The father is dead. He is the father they knew and presumably loved. For all anyone knows there could be valid reasons why he wasn’t the father of these children, but that’s assuming that the paternal family have even provided DNA samples, which they may not have.

It may have been an incredibly difficult time for OP’s mum, thinking she couldn’t have children and not knowing why. These days we have the ability to find out about fertility and explore further, back then we didn’t.

And realistically, what do you want to achieve by this. To go NC with your mum due to the assumption she fathered two children by the same man therefore betraying the man who thought he was your father?

By scrubbing the memory of your father from your life given he never was your father?

It takes far more than DNA to be a father.

caranations · 15/02/2022 17:26

which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s

She must have been unbelievably lucky to find any records going back that far, because there are very few indeed - unless there's a connection to landed gentry in the tree. If she's taken most of it from other people's trees online she is almost certainly barking up the wrong one.

wordler · 15/02/2022 17:30

This is much more likely that your father is your and your sister's bio father but he is not biologically related to the relations on his side of the family who have added their DNA to the system.

Have you seen his birth certificate? Do you have any relatives on your father's side that you could ask?

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 17:31

@caranations she's done a degree in genealogy, its taken her years. she knows what she's doing. But thats not relevent to a DNA match anyway

OP posts:
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 17:31

OP what's the actual match in centimorgans?

Have you done the Leeds' method on your results?

Theworldisquiethere · 15/02/2022 17:32

ah okay so maternal cousin was a typo? so him being adopted could still be a possibility

Skeam · 15/02/2022 17:32

some things just aren’t meant to be known

But who decides? Isn't it fair to say that, now that two women have the likely knowledge that the man they thought was their biological father wasn't, that they also have the right to know the truth about their own origins?

In the past, adoption was often kept secret, or at least not discussed, and an adult who wanted to trace biological family was faced with endless obstacles, some legal, others along the lines of 'some things aren't meant to be known' and 'your parents are the people who brought you up'. And some adult adoptees didn't and don't want to know more, but some do. Similarly with sperm donation in the past, or a child being 'hidden' in the family, as with someone I used to know who discovered in her early 20s that the woman she thought was her mother was in fact her grandmother, and her mother was her eldest 'sister'.

Neither position is wrong, but what I do think is wrong is telling someone who wants correct information about their own origins that they are wrong to do so.

WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 17:32

I would have to ask DM as she don’t be around forever and I would just like to know our of curiosity.
I doubt it would make me feel any differently towards her.

She could have cheated, used a special donor or your bio dad didn’t want to be involved/died and your dad stepped up as a step dad.

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 17:33

@NoCauseRebel I agree. Which is why it makes no difference to me. The man who brought me up will always be my dad. My sister however, wants answers. I only did the DNA to try and give her peace of mind after she did hers

OP posts:
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 17:33

@NoCauseRebel That may all be true for you, but you cannot assume it is true for everyone.

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 17:33

@WonderfulYou my mum and dad had been married for over 5 years before my sister appeared and 8 before I did

OP posts:
DonorConceivedMe · 15/02/2022 17:34

I think you are probably the product of sperm donation. If you have the real name of your cousin’s father (ie your potential father) you can search the medical register of the General Medical Council and see if he appears — many sperm donors were medical students. I identified my bio dad this way.

I was conceived via sperm donor — please feel free to DM me.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2022 17:35

So what does your brother's DNA show?

SunshineCake1 · 15/02/2022 17:35

I think you both have the right to ask as the man you called dad isn't your biological father and while the person who brought you up is important there is no denying the biological importance either.

I think your sister should ask but she must be kind and thoughtful.

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 17:35

@Theworldisquiethere No. the match with this new cousin means one of her uncles has to be bio. There is no way my "dad" can be bio

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 15/02/2022 17:37

Let me get this straight.

You found a match to some random person that was unknown to you and was to your knowledge unrelated.
You didn’t find any matches to anyone on your father’s side.

So either your father isn’t your bio father
or
your father is not related to the people he thought he was either through adoption or his father not being who he thought he was.

Theworldisquiethere · 15/02/2022 17:37

[quote lynfordthecrab]@Theworldisquiethere No. the match with this new cousin means one of her uncles has to be bio. There is no way my "dad" can be bio[/quote]
But is there the possibility that your dad is biologically her uncle but was adopted?