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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
anyhue · 15/02/2022 18:23

I've had direct experience of this with a DSis (one child not her DHs). This was just a total shock to me, and I still don't know the details. What was meant to be a nice family research project turned into something else altogether.

HeadPain · 15/02/2022 18:25

I've read this thread and it's confusing but I don't think the conclusion your sister has come to is necessarily the right conclusion, and I wouldn't be so sure/wouldn't confront your mother unless you're more sure. Can you get DNA from someone close on your dad's side? Would that help?

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 18:26

Can you get DNA from someone close on your dad's side? Would that help?

Yes it would absolutely.

Georgyporky · 15/02/2022 18:26

How long ago did DF die ?
Is it possible that DM might have something with his DNA on it? Lock of hair, hairbrush etc ?

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 18:27

@BestKnitterInScotland
you really are rather rude!
How am I leaping to my own conclusions?
My sister has a degree in genealogy - she knows what she is doing and she knows what the matches are and what they mean

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2022 18:30

[quote lynfordthecrab]@AcrossthePond55 you are correct and have worded it much better than I can.
definitely not IVF that was relitively new and very very expensive way back then, would not have been an option[/quote]
Then I think my next step would be to try and trace the connection through this cousin so as to leave your mum out of it for as long as possible. Again, not an expert, but I'd think if they were cooperative you should be able to find out some 'possibles' and whether or not they lived in the same area as your parents during the time of your and DS's conceptions.

If cousin's family/uncle has no connections to your parent's area of residence at that time then chances are your dad was adopted. If there is, then I think you'd have to ask your mum.

Of course, it's entirely possible that this cousin is adopted. That would be another dead end. If someone contacted me as a DNA match wanting to find her bio-father I'd have no info to give them as I know nothing about him.

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 18:32

No intention to be rude. But Ancestry only suggests how other people who have taken tests may fit into your tree. As I said, cousin dna matches is a range from approx 400 to 1400. There are other possibilities which can’t be discounted.

RedHelenB · 15/02/2022 18:33

[quote lynfordthecrab]@BestKnitterInScotland
you really are rather rude!
How am I leaping to my own conclusions?
My sister has a degree in genealogy - she knows what she is doing and she knows what the matches are and what they mean[/quote]
But how do you know if the company have done the DNA tests properly. Without your Dad's dna you can't be 100% sure. I'd let it go, you'll juat make yourselves miserable as there is no way of categorically knowing the truth

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 18:34

"There are ethical considerations first though. These sites are used by crime enforcement to solve crimes, and some jurisdictions have the death penalty."

Interesting. Important to avoid US sites then as I suppose a lot of American companies own these things like they do other sites. Or is data from Europe protected?

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 18:35

It’s not a question of doing the tests properly. That’s very accurate. It’s interpreting the results which can be very tricky.

OhFuckBloodyHell · 15/02/2022 18:35

Even if he isn't your father, it doesn't mean ivf or affair. There's gags about turkey basters for a reason....

But, I think what I would do, is cross of people who you know you definitely aren't related to, via their dna.

So great uncle bobs grandson? - no match to his dna. Cross him off.

But great uncle bob? He's still in play. Maybe his DIL was cheating / they used ivf /adopted / whatever.

Hopefully that way you can work out where the definite lines of 'not related' fall, and can reduce the possibilities.

Remember there are possibilities that no one alive today would know about - DF may have been adopted and never told. (ffs, my dgm born in the 20s has a 'brother' that was actually the neighbour's - they just fucked off one day and left him behind!!) I'd really really not want my sister going off half cocked and accusing DM of something.

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 18:37

@RedHelenB
we dont. But the tests for my sister and I were done over a year apart. Chances of them both being wrong and giving us the same family when they have no idea who we are is pretty remote dont you think?
And as I said in my original post, I dont have the need to know but my sister does

OP posts:
Gowithme · 15/02/2022 18:41

Why doesn't your sister just ring your mum and say that something funny came up on the DNA that suggested your dad wasn't your biological dad? Then just see what DM says. Surely there doesn't have to be any huge fall out as your dad is dead. Or would your sister be devastated to find out your dad wasn't your bio dad?

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 18:48

@AcrossthePond55 my sister has been in contact with this cousin for over a year now. She only lives about 12 miles from me (the cousin), she even got her mum to do a DNA so we could discount cousins maternal side from the equation.
there are also a lot of links as to how her paternal uncles and my mother could know each other.
My sister did ask my mother last year when it first came to light and she muttered something about "what good is it bringing it up now?" and changed the subject so she knows something

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 15/02/2022 18:50

I couldn’t let it go OP. One day your mum won’t be here to give you answers. I’d want to know and then move on.

MollyRover · 15/02/2022 18:52

@CornishTiger

I couldn’t let it go OP. One day your mum won’t be here to give you answers. I’d want to know and then move on.
Me too to be honest.
Talk4000 · 15/02/2022 18:58

Do the tests show you have the same genetic DF, you and your DS?

If yes, it sounds like she has had an affair along the way. I'm so sorry but as you say, it doesn't change the history of your DF who brought you up.

Many years ago when genetic testing first became available, there was a study done on paternity. My Mum worked in the field somewhat.

She said in the end the results of the study were not released or made hugely public as it turned out that 25% of babies were not born to the father they thought was their father - it was someone else.

What I'm trying to say is that this is very very common. Much more so than we'd realise. I do hope you can cope with the aftermath though sounds like your DM is fairly unemotional - so perhaps she will admit it and that will be that. I wonder if genetic DF is still alive though because then I guess you might want to meet him.

What a challenging thing to come into your lives.

Threewheeler1 · 15/02/2022 18:59

Oooo, my head hurts.
I'd be rubbish at this. I have trouble working out what a second cousin is Grin

mnahmnah · 15/02/2022 18:59

@lynfordthecrab

Ah, so your mum does know something. She also knows that your sister is figuring things out. So it’s hardly going to be a shock for her to be asked more about it. I totally agree with PP that one day your mum won’t be here to explain anything and you may never know

WheresYourSnickers · 15/02/2022 19:02

@CornishTiger

I couldn’t let it go OP. One day your mum won’t be here to give you answers. I’d want to know and then move on.
This is so true. If there's any chance you may ever want/ need to know (and your sister definitely does) then you have to ask now. You'll never find out when your mum has died.
StoneofDestiny · 15/02/2022 19:06

I'd ask your mum - just say the genealogy search is throwing up some curious results about your dad. Ask if she can shed light. She may want to talk. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, just a conversation.

Always28 · 15/02/2022 19:07

I would definitely need to ask my mum if it was me. If your sister feels the need to know, she should ask.

This is making me more intrigued by these DNA tests!

NeverChange · 15/02/2022 19:08

Ii would be the same as your sister. It wouldn't change who I would consider my father but I would still want to know.

Your mum clearly knows the answer.

It really one can be down to a number of factors:-

  1. Your father was adopted
  1. Your father was switched at birth (discounting this one expect your mother wouldn't know if that was the case
  1. Your mother had an affair (potentially)
  1. Your mother had fertility issues (don't discount this due to time, it happened in more traditional ways)

Surely you must be in some way curious?

Your mother is probably expecting the question given your sisters qualifications and the fact she knows she is tracing the family tree.

Darbs76 · 15/02/2022 19:10

The question needs to be asked, I can totally understand why she can’t let this go.

Georgeskitchen · 15/02/2022 19:21

[quote mnahmnah]@lynfordthecrab

Ah, so your mum does know something. She also knows that your sister is figuring things out. So it’s hardly going to be a shock for her to be asked more about it. I totally agree with PP that one day your mum won’t be here to explain anything and you may never know[/quote]
Of course mum knows something. She has 2 children that are not her husbands!!